» The Credit Crunch

Since you mentioned Woolies...
When it was announced that Woolworths was going toes-up, overnight my local branch became a dumping ground for all the old crap that no other branch had ever managed to shift. Someone, somewhere in a Woolworths warehouse far far away obviously thought "Sod it, we're going under, let's just ship all these boxes of shit out and see what sells". Consequently, my local branch became a one-stop shop for;

- 'Fame Academy's David Sneddon - My Story' DVDs
- Diet Irn-Bru
- Alongside the DVDs and CDs, a whole rack of actual VHS videos
- Several hundred 'Worth It' toilet seats

Strangest of all though was the sudden arrival of about a thousand 'Worth It' ironing boards. One aisle was filled with the bloody things. It became something of a landmark, pile upon pile of cheap white ironing boards, all being completely ignored by everyone.

That was until the last day, when it was 80% off everything. Apparently there's something about the offer of an ironing board for 50p that triggers an involuntary reaction amongst the over-60s, compelling them to buy. They flew off the shelves in scenes reminiscent of the Cabbage-Patch riots of the early 1980s. Consequently, the High Street that day was awash with pensioners clutching 'Worth It' ironing boards under their arms.

So for all the bad things about Woolworths going under - The job losses, the end of an iconic brand etc - One positive did come out of it. For one day only, walking up the High Street felt like being in a care-home production of Point Break.
(Thu 22nd Jan 2009, 13:43, More)

» Cheap Tat

*insert unsavoury title here*
As a student, I used to live on the Tesco Value range. This went surprisingly well when, for example, I discovered that Tesco Value White bread is exactly the right size to accomodate four Tesco Value fishfingers (a sandwich which has never been bettered, in my opinion).

Being a boy though, I never had much use for one product in their range, thank god. At the end of the aisle one day, my housemate and I spotted the Tesco Value Sanitary Towels.

Christ on a pogo-stick, they were MASSIVE. a pack of six towels was the thickness of a decent-sized school gym crash-mat. If they'd slipped one of these things between the mattresses in The Princess and the Pea, she wouldn't have felt a thing. I doubt they had wings, what with the risk that a sudden gust of wind could transport the wearer into the nearest jet-stream.

Ever since then, I've wondered whether Tesco Value condoms are available. If there's a god, they won't be flavoured.
(Mon 7th Jan 2008, 16:42, More)

» Call Centres

Annoying Caller Habits, #61; Lying bastards who try to get special treatment by being lying bastards.
Not *quite* a call-centre story, but it does involve me answering the phone at work and speaking to a bell-end, so hopefully it's allowed. I used to work for a lovely small web design company which, because of its micro-size and low prices, attracted more than its fair share of mentals. This meant we hosted a lot of bizarre sites for odd businesses and fruitloop groups.

One customer asked for a website which he would use to provide information to the masses. We built it for him at a bargain price. Once it was online, he asked for the FTP details so that he could change bits himself. For the less-techie reader, this is like selling someone a puppy and then allowing them to deal with fleas themselves by providing them with a hammer. The boss agreed however, taking care to point out that any changes he made would invalidate the warranty.

A month later, the phone rang. The customer had decided to install a forum on his site, made an almighty bum-up of the security settings and was now stuck with a website which included a comprehensive directory of links to WAREZ sites, replica Rolex dealers and cock-pill salesmen. He wanted us to fix it. For free.

"Sorry, but we didn't add that to your site so I can't help" I explained.
"But you built the site!" he argued.
This went on for five minutes, him telling me we were responsible and me explaining that we couldn't just fix any old crap he decided to plop onto his site.
Eventually, he decided to play his persuasion trump card.
"Well, it's a shame you won't help me. And to think I was about to place a big order with you for twenty brand-new top-spec PCs, laser-jet printers, projectors and a network. I suppose I'll have to go somewhere else now"

How foolish I felt. I'd just blown a big-money deal with someone whose website was created to warn you that you should wrap yourself in tinfoil so that the government couldn't read your mind.

On the plus side, it meant we didn't have to try and convince our suppliers to accept payment of three bin-bags of bottle-tops and a handful of warm shit.
(Thu 3rd Sep 2009, 17:00, More)

» Top Tips

Credit Card Companies
Save money by not printing and sending out chequebooks with customers' credit-card statements, along with chirpy little notes saying "We thought you might find these useful!". In case you hadn't noticed, over the last couple of years, cheques have become the immigrant paedophiles of the financial world. Most shops would rather let you pay with a handful of tepid faeces than sit and wait as you fart around writing a cheque and filling in the stub, then realising you put the date as 2007. No bastard accepts cheques. Cash Converters might do, but then they also accept Zimbabwean dollars and still-warm car stereos, so it's to be expected. Cheques are shit. Nobody wants cheques. Stop sending them out. We don't find them 'useful'. They're just a massive pain in the arse because it's another thing to shred.

*checks smallprint*

What's this? You'll charge me £3 each time I (or whichever sorting-office agency worker handles my post) use one of your cheques? Jesus Farting Corbett.
(Wed 13th Aug 2008, 22:43, More)

» The most cash I've ever carried

Very nearly on-topic
I work in an office which I share with the secretary, the boss and the other web designer. Their conversation is rarely anything less than filthy, whilst I am a paragon of taste and virtue, rising above their endless innuendo.

One day the secretary was dealing with a huge pile of banknotes, running into the thousands. She was clearly excited about this.
"What's the most you've ever had in your hand?" she asked the office in general.

"My cock", I accidentally replied.
(Thu 22nd Jun 2006, 13:33, More)