» Sleepwalking

Airline Fun
An ex of mine told me on many occasions about my fondness for shouting obscenities in my sleep. Not just swearing, but bellowing running commentaries on the wrongest, most degrading sex dreams that anyone could ever have. I think it used to worry her initially but after a while she found it quite funny.

Once, on my own on a flight between Australia and the UK I found myself being rudely awoken by a concerned looking stewardess.

"Are you alright?" she asks me.

"Well I was fine until you woke me up!" I replied, rather testily.

"Yes, sorry about that... We were just a little worried about you... You were, um... shouting."

At this point I look around the cabin to see about a hundred other passengers, mostly with their Qantas blindfolds pushed up on foreheads, staring daggers at me with looks ranging between shock, anger, genuine fear and repulsion.

"Um... what was I shouting?" I ask the stewardess sheepishly.

"Never mind... we just wanted to check you were ok."

I never did find out what filth I was screaming at my fellow passengers, but I think it's safe to say that it wasn't pleasant judging by the looks I got for the next 13 hours.
(Mon 27th Aug 2007, 3:17, More)

» Restaurants, Kitchens and Bars... Oh my!

McVegetarian Anyone?
When I was an impoverished college student in Bristol I had the misfortune of working part-time in McDonalds. It was the most foul and physically and mentally exhausting job I have ever had. I witnessed many a revolting "extra" going in the burgers, but as I wasn't involved in that (and because I'm sure there will be at least a hundred other responses to this question admitting such wrong-doings) my story is somewhat cleaner.

On a particularly busy Saturday afternoon, while being shouted at to do at least 10 things at once, a manager walked up to me wielding a Big Mac and asking me what the hell I thought I was doing. Allegedly a customer had returned the burger complaining that there was no meat in it, but I protested and convinced the manager that the customer must have pulled the meat out to try it on.

Truth be told, I realised that I was so knackered I must have made a whole tray load of Big Macs complete with bun, lettuce, onion, pickles, special sauce, but no burgers.

The best part is that because all but one of them went through the drive-thru I got away with it! I would have loved to see the expressions on the poor driver's faces as they tucked in while already on the M5...

Apologies for lack of meaty length etc...
(Fri 21st Jul 2006, 13:28, More)

» Rock and Roll Stories

Rolling with the Big Dog...
Several years ago, I was given some free tickets to go to the Homelands festival as I had recently done some work for "Dangerous" Dave Pearce. Said tickets included passes to get backstage at the Radio 1 stage, so needless to say I spent the vast majority of the afternoon ogling Carl Cox's entourage of teutonic blondes, having a conversation with Seb Fontaine about portaloos and making the most of the bar.

We were having such a good time of it that some hours had passed before we spotted a big black GMC van parked just outside the back stage area. The van was covered in graphics of explosions and the like (and possibly "big dogs" - I honestly don't remeber) but it wasn't until we spotted the foot-and-a-half high lettering down the side that we got really excited. Yes, we had clocked the Westwood-mobile.

Half an hour and several beers later, we were trying to decide how we could sabotage the vehicle in protest at the twatty son-of-a-vicar, when my mate decided that I should go and show my respec' by pissing on his door handle.

I rush off around the corner and return a couple of minutes later with a sly grin on my face. Mate goes off to the bar to congratulate me on a mission well executed.

Did I do it? Did I bollocks. There were three enormous security guards guarding the bling wagon and I bottled it. Still, it seemed churlish to spoil the fun for my mate...

Apologies for length and girth - in fact perhaps that's why I was less than inclined to show it to the securty guards...
(Mon 3rd Jul 2006, 13:58, More)