» Embarrassing Injuries

many an embarrassing
1) got booted by a horse which broke my knee. thought it'd be a good idea to chase a big bastard horse around a farm, with a sheepdog biting at its legs

2) got my thumb trapped in our car boot, and i now have one thumb about a centimetre shorter than the other. stupid mum being so hasty

3) whilst being a little tear-away playing footie on the park after hours we got locked in and had to climb the fence to get out, standard stuff really. but whilst climbing the fence i got my pants stuck on one of the spikes at the top without noticein, went to jump off, did a full 180 spin and was falling head-first off an 8 foot fence onto concrete, so you do the obvious thing, stick your arms out... i was lay on the deck with torn adidas trackies and a shattered elbow, pushed my lower arm into the joint and anhaillated it. had to walk home a mile with my cousins and mates going, shut the fuck up you mard bastard. me actually screaming.

4) last day of high school on the friday, decided thursday night at the su would be appropriate. needless to say 40 quid got pissed up the wall and we were stumbling, so on the walk home we decided to run to the local kebab house, me being in a sorry state looses footing crossing a road and hit the deck. sat there for 5 minutes while my mates ran off for a donner, thought aah fuck i cut my hand, walked down to catch them moaning about my hand. made it home, woke up in the morning in excruciating pain, i had snapped my collar bone all the way through (i think i smashed it on a kerb) and was almost poking out of the skin, and no one noticed? the worst part was people patting me on the back going, i'll miss you mike, twats.

5) went to a mega party a few months back, drank two cocktails, a litre of vodka and a couple of cans of special brew. bladdered wasn't the word. especially when your talking over about two hours. so on the way to get a curry with a mate, a group of 5 guys walk past and one of them decided to hit me, square in the face, being a big bastard i took it in my stride, so my mate was like, leave, hes not done anything else, and theres 5 of them. so again in my stupor thought to myself fuck this, lyed into the first guy, knocked the second on his arse too, and he went back and knocked his newly-wed-that-day-wife over then i took a bit of a kicking. anyway, was alright, few cuts and bruises, got my curry and went back to the party. everyone shocked looks on their faces, i'm sat there tucking into my scran, and there just staring, i goes, oh this, yeah just got battered by 5 guys, everyone goes, aah ok then. proceeded to see the rest of the party out, woke up in the am, suprisingly unhungover. but couldn't move my hand, broke it on the first guys jaw, ouch

6) lastly, the worst one, which i decided to tell a very large group of complete strangers at the ritz in manchester. my mate brought up some embarrasing wanking stories, and these guys joined in, my best one was, at the time we had chipped itv digital meaning we got all the porno channels gratis, so whilst watching titney spheres, i dropped the remote, and being pissed i decided to kneel to get it, but carry on wanking, then couln't be fucked moving, so continued in that position, then when i spilled my man custard i pulled both of my calves so bad i was screaming in pain, to which my dad come running in going whats up? suprisingly i got my pants up and disposed of the tissue, but i'm lay on the floor of my room with porno on, and crying in pain on the floor.

not sorry for length, you wanted stories, i gave them to you
(Tue 7th Sep 2004, 11:00, More)

» Obscure Memorabilia

hahaha
i found this the other day actually.

last night of the leeds festival 2002. just watched foo fighters play their hearts out. i thinks to myself, i need something to remember this by....

hows about a single section of the removable flooring. i seem to remember waking up hungover monday morning with it in my pack pocket?
(Thu 4th Nov 2004, 11:31, More)

» The Onosecond

worth it
one time out on the lash with the gang, walked into our local shithole SU. Standard of a thursday night. 'pon wherest i managed to kop with the finest brunette placed on gods green earth. so much in common, all over me etcetera. gave it a couple of days and called her up for a secondary meeting that night; which ended up being called off, and again, left with the boys for another heavy session.

i awoke on the kitchen floor later the next afternoon to a phone call. dazed and confused i heard the sound of some burly young fool saying he had ound this number on his girlfriends phone, and was ready to kneecap me, and he knew where i lived.

so i was like, fuck it, she's not too fit to be bothered i'll leave it. if she had a big black boyfriend, i can't be arsed with severe pain

a few weeks later, around 3 months to be relatively accurate, i got absolutely slammed at a cheap and sleazy pop night after a bar crawl. i then decided to anooy a good friend of mine putting the lyrics to dirty dancing on a wednesday at 2am, (IIIIIIII, HAD THE TIME OF MY LIFE, AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE).

finger slips, text goes to beth, not ben.

SHIT, why did i not delete the number.

but it was concieved as a really romantic gesture, we went out on the saturday, and i'm still doing her!

hurray for when drunken texts go well
(Thu 26th May 2005, 20:46, More)

» My Worst Vomit

the worst vomit
it was a friends 16th birthday, and being 16 at the time i was young and stupid. so after a weekend of solid drinking i turned up with my drinking buddy, i personally got through a bottle of archers, a half of vodka and half a bottle of imported ouzo. then i set to work on about half a case of carling. normally i'd just be out of my mind, but then the weed got broke out. i had a plentlyful amount, including buckets. this send me under no-end. to which i was handing my mobile to people at the party saying i was going to die, ring an ambulance. i chatted loads of crap about smell vibrations, then passed out. i awoke two hours later and as i was lay on my back i vomited vertically, spurting chunks into the air, to whcih gravity came a cropper and covered me in it. to which my friend whose party it was had to clean and change me. then i was lobbed outside and threw up on the grass and lay in it. what a party!
(Wed 25th Aug 2004, 10:28, More)