» Intense Friendships

Pooh sticks
My friend any myself used to play Pooh Sticks with a difference. My house was a 5-storey building with a soil pipe that ran up the entire height of the back of the building. Down at ground level, there was a pipe that came from the sink in the basement and flowed directly into this soil pipe. It was not glued on, and only held in place by a C-shaped bracket, so could easily be moved up or down, allowing access to the soil pipe.

So, what we'd do was to save up our pooing times until we were both allowed out to play. Then, one of us would rush up to the 2nd floor and curl one out. The other person would stand downstairs with a large twig (or twigs) inserted into the soil pipe and catch the brown bundle of joy. 2 floors up ensured that the poo was nearing terminal velocity by the time it reached the sticks. You can imagine the results. It was then customary to throw the prized catch at each other.

I haven't played with poo for nearly 20 years now.
(Fri 28th Jul 2006, 15:16, More)

» Urban Legends

Exploding chocolate and the reintroduction of the half-penny piece
Once worked in a newsagents. Managed to convince the two slightly dappy women who worked in there that certain chocolate bars would explode if not stored correctly. Back in the days when good-quality laser printing was the thing of (some people's) dreams, I created an official-looking letter from the Authorities. Said that one of two things would happen -either the chemicals in the wrapper would melt and cause a "torrent" of chocolate to run through the shop, or the wrapper would react so severely with the chocolate that it would blow a 2 foot-wide hole in the ceiling. I left very clear instructions on how the chocolate should be laid out. Came in the next day to find that my instructions had been followed to the letter!

Also managed to convince them through a similarly official-looking letter that the half-penny piece was to be reintroduced. Printed out a load of stickers that could be added to things and came in the following day to find that all the cigarettes had gone up to £2.75 and a half.
(Tue 10th Jan 2006, 16:00, More)

» Pure Ignorance

Sleet
Several years ago I was on the bus into college. on miserable December morning. The college had a large hairdressers' training school and was inhabited by everyone who didn't qualify for the local nitting courses.

Anyway, there are these two girls at the back and it started sleeting. The conversation between them went something like this:
Hairdresser 1: Oh Look, it's started doing that thing where it rains and snows at the same time
Hairdresset 2: What? Sleeting?
Hairdresser 1: Yeah, but there's a special name for it. It's where it rains and snows at the same time
Hairdresser 2: Yeah, Sleet
Hairdresser 1: NO! There's a special name. It's like when it... like rains and snows at the same time.
Hairdresser 2: Yeah, Sleeting.
Me: It's f*cking Sleeting, now shut up.
(Fri 7th Jan 2005, 16:09, More)

» Clients Are Stupid

Pooping myself
I used to work in a small paper shop in one of the posher areas of Bristol. The shop was regularly full of toffee-nosed eejuts who thought they knew better.

One such customer was a lady that used to walk around in brightly coloured shell suits with a bikini on underneath -she must have been in her mid sixties, so the sight was not one of pleasantness!!. One day she came in and was thumbing through a magazine on the counter and suddenly looked up at me and said "Pardon?"
Not having said anything, I was quite shocked.

The rest of the conversation went something like this:
Woman: Yes you did. You said "shit"
Me: Er, no I didn't.
Woman: Yes you did. Do you have a toilet here?

(our only toilet was at the back of the shop and I didn't want her rummaging around out there)

Me: No, sorry we don't.
Woman: Well what do you do if you need to go to the toilet?
Me: We have to go in our trousers or use one of the special bottles provided by the manager.

She turned her nose up at me and left -I never saw her again after that.
(Fri 2nd Jan 2004, 13:30, More)

» Irrational Fears

Empty Swimming Pools
I have a recurring dream where I'm either in a swimming pool that is full and emptying, or a pool that is empty and starts filling up. Either way, I feel slightly nervous whenever I see a swimming pool that is empty in real life.
(Wed 28th Jan 2004, 16:28, More)