» Letters they'll never read

To my daughter
Just in case something awful happens to me, I'd like you to know that I really did try to do things right for you when you were a baby.

I broke up with your mother before you were born, because she was a violent, abusive, suspicious, paranoid mental case. She acquired the password to my mobile records and would secretly ring them daily to hear a call summary. She locked me out of my own flat (along with my indoor cat) in freezing weather so I had to kick my own door in to get in. She went for me with a knife once, and punched me in the face when I was DJing because I was chewing gum, which suggested to her that I was planning on kissing some made-up woman in the venue.

She covertly took an copy of my doorkey and, when I'd broken up with her, sneaked into my house, went through my shredder and pieced together a phone bill to check up on me. When you were born she wouldn't let my mother see you when you were in intensive care, when she'd spent two hours travelling up to see you. Then she forbade me to see you - I didn't see you after the day you were born until you were four months old.

To achieve this I had to take your mother to court. It cost me and my family over £6000 we didn't have just so I could see you for 1.5h a week, which went up to 3h. Given her way it would have been 1.5h every fortnight. Your mother (who used to smoke crack and was a famous drug fiend, who hadn't done a day's work in three years before you were born) claimed to the court that I couldn't be trusted around you - despite the fact that I ran a £1.5 million turnover business and never missed an appointment to see you.

You will never read this letter - and I shall never tell you anything about all this because I want you to love your mother and think she's great, not be disappointed and disillusioned to discover that the woman who raised you is an evil, spiteful, manipulative cunt who did everything in her power to prevent you spending time with a father who adores you, just to have her twisted revenge.

Lots of love

Your father Monty.

PS hope you like the jumper.
(Thu 4th Mar 2010, 17:24, More)

» Thrown away: The stuff you loved and lost.

I've posted this before
...but this REALLY hurts.

My Grandfather was an English professor - in the 70s it was his expert testimony that enabled the Sex Pistols to call their LP 'Never Mind The Bollocks' as he attested 'bollocks' was not technically an obscene word.

The band gave him a copy of the LP signed by them all, thanking him for his pivotal assistance.

My lovely old gran gave it to Oxfam in the 80s, unplayed.

AaaaaaAAAAAAAaaaAAAAARRRRGhhHHHHH!!!!


Incidentally during the trial the prosecution tried to belittle my grandfather; 'so, you're an expert on the word 'bollocks' are you?', they asked him (he was wearing his vicar's dog collar for added effect).

'Oh, no', he replied, 'I can tell you all about 'fuck' and 'shit' too'.
(Fri 15th Aug 2008, 13:50, More)

» Real-life slapstick

Sadly another repost - but a fucking cracker, nonetheless.
A not-so-bright lad from my home town, called Bungle, was larking about with his pals in a local copse one day, when, for reasons unknown, decided he was going to have a shit from up in a tree. In front of said pals.

He sat on a branch, dropped his trousers and underpants, hung his arse over the back of the branch and proceeded to deliver his payload.

Sadly at the crucial moment his balance faltered, and to correct this he swang his legs back just in time to catch the turd in his pants.

He then fell out of the tree and ended up in a shitty heap on the ground below, to howls of laughter from his audience.

Poor old Bungle.
(Thu 21st Jan 2010, 14:33, More)

» Grandparents

Reposted for a second time as it is relevant to Q:
I've posted this before
...but this REALLY hurts.

My Grandfather was an English professor - in the 70s it was his expert testimony that enabled the Sex Pistols to call their LP 'Never Mind The Bollocks' as he attested 'bollocks' was not technically an obscene word.

The band gave him a copy of the LP signed by them all, thanking him for his pivotal assistance.

My lovely old gran gave it to Oxfam in the 80s, unplayed.

AaaaaaAAAAAAAaaaAAAAARRRRGhhHHHHH!!!!


Incidentally during the trial the prosecution tried to belittle my grandfather; 'so, you're an expert on the word 'bollocks' are you?', they asked him (he was wearing his vicar's dog collar for added effect).

'Oh, no', he replied, 'I can tell you all about 'fuck' and 'shit' too'.
(Fri 3rd Jun 2011, 10:54, More)

» Turning into your parents

My dad's a part-time radio DJ
He plays old rock'n'roll & doo wop, that sort of stuff.

I've always found it embarrassing to hear him blathering away on his show so I've avoided it like the plague when browsing the old FM dial.

One day I was searching for something good to listen to and by mistake found I'd stumbled onto his programme - and worst still my mum was on there too.

That's right kids - I realised I'd tuned into my parents.

*dies*
(Wed 6th May 2009, 16:35, More)