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Profile for Albert the Mildly Deranged:
Profile Info:

My name is not Albert.

Although some say I may be deranged. (If only mildly.)

I'm no longer putting my real name on here, for I fear what future employers may dredge up...

If you are a future employer and you're reading this, I'm really a nice, hardworking, employable person - but everybody needs to unwind somewhere, right? You've stumbled across my "where".

I will, however, tell you this:

I've got two hats:
(from my hips to the ground)

Albert the Midly Deranged and his amazing enamel-powered rocket!Dear God this thing took too long to make... zoom in on it, please!




From the archive:

Let me see, I have this:


And this:


And not forgetting this:

(Enclickulate for standard largenedness)


There is other stuff here:
Akk! Gophers!

Including this:

and some flash stuff.


Apparently, I'm these:

You are .tar You are rarely seen without your buddy gz. You're talented at bringing ideas together, so they're easier to work with.
You are Amiga OS. Ahead of your time.  You keep a lot of balls in the air.  If only your parents had given you more opportunities to suceed.


StupidTester.com says I'm 0% Stupid! How stupid are you? Click Here!

What Flavour Are You? Cor blimey, I taste like Tea.Cor blimey, I taste like Tea.


I am a subtle flavour, quiet and polite, gentle, almost ambient. My presence in crowds will often go unnoticed. Best not to spill me on your clothes though, I can leave a nasty stain. What Flavour Are You?



And I've been listening to these:






HUZZAH!



Recent front page messages:


none

Best answers to questions:

» * PFFT *

Not exactly about farts,
but close enough.

OK, when I bought my new phone, and was experimenting with all the features, (I had an antiquated 3310 before), I thought it would be amusing to record myself saying various words, a la Bob Fossil from the Mighty Boosh. The phone is quite good, and when these recordings are played back on the speaker they're easily recognisable as my own voice.

Skip forward a few months, and I'm taking a crap in one of the toilets at my University. It's quite a small bathroom, with only one cubicle and a couple of urinals. A few minutes in, I hear somebody taking a leak outside. Just as he finishes, I receive a text and the word "GORILLA!" sounds true throughout the room. God knows what he thought was going on...
(Sat 14th Jul 2007, 0:26, More)

» It was a great holiday, but...

Oh god, the year nine trip to France...
I had one too!

The first night, somebody fell onto the phone on the wall, and it fell off (the bracket as well, not just the handset - the whole lot just dangled there on its wire)

They served us such delicacies as black chicken, very dubious fish and what most of us suspected to be rat; while the teachers and hotel staff dined at their own table on champagne and chocolate cake. The (exact) same amount of salad always came back the next day as went away the last.

Also, we all bought BB guns and cheap cider from the supermarket - while we were all pissed off our heads down by the river, a gendarme popped up and told us to put the guns away, as they were illegal...


Also, in Year 7, I embarked upon an exchange trip funded by the EU, also to France.
With only the flight to pay, we were promised rides on the TGV, excellent accommodation, and probably a whole load more that I can't remember...

We never got the train ride, (too expensive), but I recall during our 6-hour coach journey from Lyon to Strasbourg, a railway line ran alongside much of the motorway, and every now and then I'd see an orange blur shoot past... That is what we in the business refer to a pisstake.

But the fun didn't stop there! In an incredible stint of generosity by our funders, we were allowed to stop at a 0-star motel, rather than sleeping on the coach! Three people to every two beds, (I slept on the floor, which was actually more comfortable), and in the morning breakfast in the car park, mingling pleasantly with the flies and the exhaust fumes from the adjacent motorway.

Oh, and while trekking round Strasbourg, we had to wear these stupid far-too-big or far-too-small t-shirts with the European flag emblazoned across them.


Nothing else comes immediately to mind, but I'll be sure to let you know if it does...
(Tue 26th Apr 2005, 18:04, More)

» Ignoring Instructions

GCSE Chemistry
Apparently, we were told not to shake the test tubes.

I guess my hearing must have been faulty, as I stuck my thumb over the top and gave the tube a vigourous jiggling. The caustic aluminium solution inside immediately began to froth up - but my thumb was still tightly pressed over the top.

This resulted in a high-pressure spray of toxic silver gunk across friends, desks, floor and exercise books alike, and a subsequent angry telling-off from the teacher about how I was lucky the chemicals hadn't wreaked some horrible vengeance on my skin for their premature agitation...
(Fri 5th May 2006, 12:33, More)

» Dentists

Mr Stiff?
I had a dentist called Mr. Willy. I shit you not.

I had to ask if I'd heard right when they told me his name at the reception desk, and then it was all I could do to keep a (reasonably) straight face until I got to the waiting room (which fortunately never contains any staff to hear my guffaws).

And no, he wasn't a giant willy that spunked Listerine. He was just a normal human guy. More's the pity :(
(Thu 2nd Nov 2006, 21:47, More)

» World's Sickest Joke

If a motorcyclist runs over a woman, who's to blame?
The motorcyclist - he shouldn't have been riding around in the kitchen!
(Sun 2nd Apr 2006, 23:34, More)
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