» Political Correctness Gone Mad

Non-racial 'attack' ends in marriage and unemployment.
A few years ago my best friend (who I will call 'Donald', even though his name is Simon) got an office job in England after returning from a year in Japan. Upon starting work, he found that the next desk belonged to a cute Japanese girl named Naoko. He quite liked this girl, and after a few days of indecision, finally decided to try and impress her with a little bit of Japanese.

"Konichiwa," he said. "Hajimemashita, Donald des." This means: "Hello. Pleased to meet you. I'm Donald."

Naoko was clearly quite taken by this, and things looked good. That was until he was called to his manager's office later that day and summarily fired for a 'racial attack'. It seemed one of the other workers in the office had assumed he was taking the piss and made a formal complaint. As Donald was on his three month probationary evaluation period, he could be fired in this way with no negative effect on the company, and the company was not interested in the pitiful defense attempts of a racist.

Quite pissed off, Donald packed up his things and left, pausing to say goodbye (but NOT sayonara) to Naoko.

Eight months later they got married and are still together, all happy, the bastards. Donald also got a much better job almost immediately, for more pay and less work. I don't think anybody at that office ever mentioned this to Naoko, probably worried the same would happen to them.

Still, not a bad outcome to a 'racial attack', eh?

Apologies for my considerable length, and for the fact you've been staring at it for the last minute or so.
(Fri 23rd Nov 2007, 13:48, More)

» Rubbish Towns

Formula for posts this week:
[Insert town name] is the worst place on the face of the earth because:

[Insert list of petty irritants which are not funny]

[Ignore the obvious fact that it is inevitable you will despise the place you live/spend most of your time because familiarity most certainly breeds contempt and that, really, all places are equally shit. You only think your town is worse because you see more of it]

[Claim moral and intellectual superiority]

[Final LOL and length gag]
(Thu 29th Oct 2009, 16:18, More)

» Things we do to fit in

Five Years...
Today marks my fifth B3ta birthday. I don't post much, and have never come up with anything of note. But logging in today, seeing that little candle, seeing the "0 months, 0 days", seeing that it was five years ago today that I first joined up has made me reflect on what has happened to me since 20th January 2003.

Materially speaking, I now have considerably less than I did then. I have less money, a smaller house and a fridge filled primarily with cheese. I have no job, having recently been made redundant for the second time in a year, and so am facing the soulless nightmare of the dole for the first time.

My dreams of being a writer are in ashes, having not written a thing for months now, and having mild palpitations whenever I try. My characters lie dead or dying on the page, my dialogue is just so much empty bleating, my plots are the worst dregs of grave-robbing cliché. I am not the man I thought I was.

I have a couple more crow's feet and my hair is a shade thinner than I remember it every time I look in the mirror. My back hurts when I stand up or sit down. I am gradually coming to realise that I have come to the end of my potential, and I still have a good few decades of this left.

While this may sound self-pitying and a cry for a dissenting opinion, that's actually the last thing I want. This is me trying to be honest about what's landed me here. The simple fact is that I have placed emphasis on fitting in with the world of recreation rather than the world of responsibility. There has always been another chance waiting around the corner. There has always been something else in the pipeline. There has always been tomorrow.

Fitting in is not necessarily a bad thing, no matter how you do it. What's important is to fit into the right way of thinking and then follow it. I'm at the point now where this actually rings true, and doesn't sound like the kind of empty platitude you read in a lazy advice column, and so I wonder how January 20th 2013 will find me. Rich/poor, ill/well, happy/miserable. Either way, I hope to see that little candle again, and the "0 months, 0 days".

And some kind of Goatse abomination, because that's what it's all about.
(Tue 20th Jan 2009, 16:15, More)

» Stalked

When my father was in the army...
...he was once followed by a very persistent tiger in a Malaysian jungle which, by all outward appearances, wished to eat him.

Does that count as being stalked?

If so, you could argue that, as I hadn't been born yet, and was a part of his corpus (quite possibly a sperm swimming around in his gonads), that I had been present (sort of), and would have been subject to said stalking also?



Look, at least I'm not doing a bloody pun.
(Thu 31st Jan 2008, 15:57, More)

» I don't understand the attraction

This QOTW
I don't really see the appeal in a QOTW that can only possibly result in a long, rambling list of petty irritants which will be neither amusing nor insightful because it's based purely on personal preference and holds no relevance for anyone other than the author.
(Fri 16th Oct 2009, 12:56, More)