» Now, there was no need for that...

2005 has been rubbish.
It started with be being done for drink driving after a major car accident. Thankfully I didn't hurt anyone apart from myself - but it was spectacularly large crash, and spectacularly stupid. I screwed up, I'm sorry, and I'm repaying my debt to society - but my karma seems to have other ideas, and has been biting me on the arse. Hard.

Firstly I lost my license and had to go to court, etc. The solicitor even thought I might well go to jail. I was understandably shitting it all the while, and just to make matters worse my girlfriend found out she had skin cancer.

I managed to avoid going to jail, and thought that I'd be able to be a good supportive boyfriend, and that everything would be OK if I just kept quiet about the court case. Unfortunately, a week later I find my name splashed across the front page of the local rag. As a result I had no option but to confess all to my place of work, which I thought would definitely result in me getting the sack... However through much grovelling and remorse I managed not to (praise Jebus).

Now as far as I'm concerned I deserved everything up to this point - apart from the girlfriend with cancer thing. There was really no need for the rest...

Shortly after this crisis I find out my girlfriend is a loon. Whilst I have shitting a brick about the court case, and have been pushed almost the point of breakdown worrying about her medical condition she has been lying to me. About the cancer. That's right, the whole cancer thing was a lie to stop me from leaving her - even though I had no intention of doing any such thing. I figure I should stick by her - and manage to for a while, but then I discover some of her other fabrications which I have been taken in by, like her (ficticious)younger brother who died in a tragic car accident. She then decides that she's going to start accusing me of cheating on her too (I wasn't) which resulted in a lovely acrimonious, bitter break-up.

Given the crap year I was having thus far (it was about mid-March by then) I go for a night out with some mates. My karma still hasn't had it's fill, and manages to orchestrate events so that that during the course of the night I manage to fall over and both dislocate my knee-cap and fracture my radial head (elbow) at the same time. That wasn't fun.

Then, just to top it all I got sacked from the job that I had previously managed to keep for a really minor breach of the email policy that I had unwittingly committed 9 months previously. It was my birthday two days later.

Woo.
(Thu 16th Jun 2005, 19:36, More)

» Look! It's me in the Local Paper

Not me but...
a mate (my former boss infact) once took a pan lid, covered it in tin foil, suspended it from a tree by fishing line and took an out-of-focus photo of it.

Its been in a few local papers, featured on TV, and I quote:

"it could be one of the most important [UFO photos] ever to be taken in the past 50 years..."

The reason it's so important is that it strongly resembles a couple of other well known UFO photos

"...It will mean that the same or similar object has not only been seen, but also photographed in three different Countries, in a space of 50 years. It could mean that someone on Earth has disc technology that works, or dare it be said, someone from elsewhere."

I guess people have had pan lids and fishing line for a while.
(Fri 11th Feb 2005, 14:52, More)

» World's Sickest Joke

Bindun?
It's Jesus' last night before he's off to be crucified, and after supper the disciples decide to treat him to a night of passion with a hooker.

They all wander off to find a brothel, go inside and find the prettiest one there. They each chip in a few pieces of silver, and with much jeering send Jesus off upstairs with his new companion.

Five minutes later the disciples hear raised voices from upsatairs. It sounds an awful lot like Jesus' whore swearing and cursing at him.

One of the disciples spots him looking very sheepish at the top of the stairs:

Disciple: "What are you doing there mate? You're meant to be enjoying yourself!"

Jesus: "Yeah, I know."

Disciple: "We paid for a full hour - you've only been five minutes!"

Jesus: "I know."

Disciple: "So what's up?"

Jesus: "Well we both got naked, and I started having a good feel, after a little while I moved my hand down to between her legs and began touching her chuff."

Disciple: "That's what she's paid for... so what's the problem?"

Jesus: "It healed."



eyefanqueue
(Wed 1st Feb 2006, 19:03, More)

» Missing body parts

Not a 'part' per se...
But I lost my sanity once, and found myself in a mental hospital for a month.

It's amazing how normal you suddenly become when you're surrounded by people who are really PROPERLY mental.

I know it's a shit story but I'm first, so there.
(Thu 1st Jun 2006, 18:30, More)

» World's Sickest Joke

What do you call an upside-down blonde?





a brunette with bad breath.
(Fri 3rd Feb 2006, 13:58, More)