» Out of my depth

More Military Humiliation
To "boost" morale for the troops stationed in the middle of the desert with a ratio of 6,000 men to 1 woman, the Commanding General was fond of throwing impromptu competitions on Fridays and having each unit hand select a team for said competition.

Due to equal equality and minority rules and all that, I was usually the "token female" for each and every blasted event, no matter what that event might be.

So along comes Friday, my Captain calls me into his office and announces that I will be taking part in a base-wide swim meet.

Two problems - #1 I am a horrid swimmer, adept only at flailing and floating but not necessarily moving. #2 The only bathing suit I own is a racy two-piece number, clearly not suitable for a General Sponsored Event.

I borrowed a swimsuit from my dippy roomate, a blonde from Iowa who walked with a permanent limp, caused, no doubt, by the aforementioned men to woman ration. She was hungover, and waved towards her wall-locker and indicated that I help myself.

So there I am, getting ready to swim the 100 Meter Butterfly. I don't even quite know what that is but I'm a sport, right, so I watch other people and practice on the side by trying to imitate their arm and leg movements. A General's aide asked me if I was all right. I scowled at him. Clearly, as a US Marine, I was invincible and destined for winning.

I hit the water, begin flailing and flailing for all I am worth, sending up mighty spouts of water and large waves to my lane partners. I was clearly on fire, I was going to somehow win this thing, even without knowing the damn swim stroke because I WAS THAT GOOD.

Cut to the next scene. I come up to the end, gasping and gulping, grab the side of the pool and look around. There is no one around me. I'm thinking that victory is mine, I have finished first. No such luck. Everyone is already done and out of the pool, drying off and laughing at me.

Dejected but not completely defeated, I try to drag my exhausted carcass out of the pool. This results in a very unattractive posture wherein one foot is up and I am hanging on with one arm, splayed open for all the world to see.

That's when the collective gasp goes up from the crowd.

It turns out that the bathing suit I am wearing is a Tanning Swimsuit, the kind you can get a Tan through, if you are into that sort of thing.

It isn't meant to get wet.

When it does get wet -

It becomes totally see-through.
(Fri 15th Oct 2004, 13:49, More)

» Shoddy Presents

Spooge Goggles
When I was in the military, I was roomates with this young lass who was always having crazy sex with her boyfriend that culminated in her getting spooged at in the eye. This would be followed up with a trip to sick call for massive pinkeye infection, whereupon the doctor would sigh and give her some drops. A couple weeks later, the same thing would happen. I tried to talk to her about the finer aspects of oral sex and the need for her to avert her head but apparently she didn't listen.

Somewhere in the midst of all this sexual eye infection problem, there was a big military christmas shindig, all formal and obligatory, with our uniforms all pressed and our commanding officers present. These guys were so stiff I wanted to check them to see if they had a pulse, at they stared at all of us with laser eyes and were followed around by some poor soul who took notes on the festivities.

The best part of the whole damn thing was when we all gathered around so that the enlisted folk (that was me and my peers) could exchange their secret santa gifts.

Imagine my roomate's surprise when she opened her box to discover a pair of laboratory goggles with a big engraved metal tag hanging off of them that said, "SPOOGE GOGGLES".

About 25 enlisted people, in full dress blues, had to run to the bathroom real quick whereupon we all collapsed against the stalls in a fit of hysterical laughter.
(Thu 23rd Sep 2004, 17:14, More)

» Obscure Memorabilia

Obscure memorarararabilia
- A human hip bone found outside of a convicted serial Killer's House. This guy was bringing hookers home, killing them, performing acts of necrophilia and then he would just toss the bodies on the floor of the house. He did this for years and years, until he got caught. About a year or two later, I was jogging in the area and looked down to see a strange white rock rolling along with me, being pushed by a strong November Wind. I pocketed it, forgot about it. Then I did . . .ummm...I mean, DATED a geologist and I was showing him my rock collection. He took the rock to his lab for study. The result? A human female hipbone. Found in front of a serial killer's house. I had a pagan friend of mine bless it and say a prayer over it before I put it back into my rock collection. Do I need professional help, do ya think?
(Fri 5th Nov 2004, 13:57, More)

» My Worst Date

Blind Date Gone Bad
I was on armory guard duty in Okinawa, Japan for the Marine Corps. Part of my duties, aside from carrying a loaded M-16 and looking like a bad-ass chick, was to call the Military Police every hour and use the "Password of the Day" in a sentence, thus signifying the safety of the armory. There was an MP who worked the same shifts I did who had a voice that was to die for. It was like butter, it was like cream, it was so sweet and sexy and sultry. An amazing voice, it gave me goosebumps. A man with a voice like that had to be nothing less than superhero-like in appearance. When he asked me out on a date, my knees went weak and I said yes. We agreed on where to meet and exchanged descriptions on what we would be wearing.

So there I am, at the military club, when in walks this guy with the largest head I have ever seen on a human being. A small patch of hair covered only the top 5% of the head, leaving the rest of the head exposed in all of its cratered and bizarrely distorted glory. As my eyes scanned him, I also couldn't help but notice that he had no neck, his eyes bulged and were placed really far apart - like a fish. His body was super-long in the torso and slightly heavy up tight with really really skinny and short legs. And his lips were so dry they looked like chalk.

His eyes met mine and I knew there was no polite way to get out of it, this was my blind date and he knew that I KNEW he was my date.

In quick fashion I got really really really drunk and tried to be chipper and talkative. He seemed to have no clue that he was an ugly bastard and I found that by turning my head slightly to one side I could listen to his voice and minimize the effect his physical appearance was having on me.

At some point during the evening, my drinking caught up with me and I threw up on his shoes. It is the only time in my life I can recall being delighted over being vomitous. He took me home and I never spoke to him again.
(Wed 27th Oct 2004, 14:47, More)

» Shoddy Presents

Hydroponic Christmas Shopping
Went Christmas shopping several years back while highly annihilated on a potent strain of smoke. After sitting in my car for about fifteen minutes contemplating the state of my dashboard, I went in to the store to go shopping. I, in my mentally devastated state, purchased the following items for various members of my family:

Dad: Bag of Marbles. I thought this was hilarious and laughed in the toy aisle for a while until I got paranoid I was going to be kicked out. I should note that my Dad is an engineer who smiles about once a month and listens to opera for fun. He was baffled by my gift. And, the next day, so was I.

Sister: A fake leather shirt, two sizes too small and with a big bow on it. Note: Sister is a tomboy and likes t-shirts.

Other Sister: One of those pillows you use in bed to prop yourself up while reading. It was bright blue with an awful courdoroy pattern - nice & stiff, guaranteed to give someone instant backache.

Boyfriend: A Teakettle from a Second Hand Store. It was copper . . . at one time. When I bought it, it was grey and smelled like mold inside. When my boyfriend looked at me, confused, I yelled, "BUT IT HAS A PATINA!!!!"
(Thu 23rd Sep 2004, 19:08, More)