» My Wanking Disasters

Auto-Fellatio
My brother walked in on me trying to suck my own cock. I was soooo close too. Bastard.
(Tue 1st Jun 2004, 18:22, More)

» World's Sickest Joke

Man gets out of prison...
First thing he does is go straight to the nearest brothel. Once inside finds the cost of a shag has gone up since he was there last, and so asks for the cheapest lady of the night who's working. He's directed to the room of "Good Time Lil" an 85 year old pro. Thinking "every holes a goal" he decides to go for it. After sucking on her tit for a moment he say "wow, you've still got milk?"... "No" she replies "I've got breast cancer".
(Thu 9th Sep 2004, 19:07, More)

» Have you ever been rude to a celebrity?

Richard Bacon - Crack
The Big Breakfast held a christmas party live on TV in our office early one morning in December 1999. We had no choice but to keep dropping the word "Crack" around Richard Bacon at every opportunity. It wasn't helped by the fact the crew kept plying us with champagne and onion bhaji's (let me remind you we were live and it was 8 in the morning!). I can be clearly heard on more than one occassion asking Richard for "Crack"ers and asking him if he's enjoying the "Craic". Credit where credits due he was a really nice bloke, if not a little annoyed by a bunch of drunken insurance brokers blowing party horns down his ears every 5 minutes. Bless.
(Wed 14th Apr 2004, 20:30, More)

» Take my Mother-in-law...

Don't get me started.....
My M-I-L... Words cannot describe her! But heres a stab. OK, the wife and I get seperated (long story). Being skint the M-I-L offers to help furnish my new flat. Great, she buys me a 28" widescreen TV, chairs, pots and pans and all the usual gubbins you know you need but forget to buy. All is good in the world until the night before a very important work related exam. She rings up about the fact she has to baby sit that night, when I'm at home alone (the ex is out with her new beau). She goes absolutley fucking mental! I mean M-E-N-T-A-L. When I explain about the exam, the fact it was her daughters decision to end the relationship and that her daughter had been shagging strangers she met on the internet in her car she then really flipped. I was threatened with all sorts of nasty violence. Her "beloved daughter would never do such a thing!". I slept fully dressed that night, with a metal bar next to the bed and my trainers on in case she and her alcoholic husband (who also rang a month later threatening me) decided to turn up for a pakka. Luckily for me the new place I lived in had a 100 ft drive with iron electronic gates and 2 nasty rottweilers prowling the grounds. Well, that was enough for me to decide to move oop north. Out of sight out of mind!
(Thu 8th Sep 2005, 21:31, More)

» Scary Neighbours

"Washing"
I live with my mighty fine lady in a ground floor maisonette in Heaton, Newcastle Upon Tyne. Our new upstairs neighbours have to share our yard for hanging washing etc...
They moved in 8 weeks ago while we were away, and after a few days we worked out it was 1 guy and 2 girls up there. No problem in that, its 3 bedrooms and the area of Newcastle we live in is mainly occupied by students in shared accommodation.
Then they started hanging washing in the yard. Now most normal people get their washing in once it drys. Not these guys and gals. It stays out until its been rained on. Twice. How do I know this? I have a broken leg (see profile for pic) and spend my days in a Hitchcock "Rear Window" style watching the goings on outside. Luckily for them, in even in August, it rains at least once a week in the North east. The record so far is 5 days left on the line. There are 5 tea towels out there now, 2 days on and still no rain....

Oh yeah, we offended them yesterday. They had a party on Tuesday night and one of the girls popped down on Wednesday morning to apologise for being noisy. My GF said "No problem, we just guessed it was a student party". The reply? "We're not students!" .... The mystery deepens.....
(Thu 25th Aug 2005, 20:14, More)