» Old People Talk Bollocks

My gran
My mad Irish grandmother is a family legend.

There are too many classics to go into here, but here's a few for your consideration.

If she sees a bird or animal washing itself, she'll say it's pruning itself. (I think she may mean "preening", but knowing her as I do I can't be 100% sure.)

She once sent me a "deepest sympathy" card for my birthday. When challenged about it, she said she "liked the flower on the front". That's all right then...

My stepdad, god bless his long suffering heart, was giving her a lift into town one day. So there he is, tootling along, with her sitting in the passenger seat making her usual inane comments. Suddenly she clutches his arm and screams "watch out John, there's a bus coming!" Stepdad nearly drives into a lamppost. Turns out there was indeed a bus coming...it was pulling into a bus stop ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE FUCKING ROAD.

And finally; one Christmas, the family are sitting around the table eating the usual Christmas din dins. Mad Gran is rambling on as per, and everyone is more or less ignoring her - as per. Suddenly she starts yapping on about an actress..."you know that woman... that woman....you know her...yes you do..." etc for about 15 minutes. My exasperated mother eventually said "no, mother, I have no idea who you're talking about." Mad Gran falls silent for a couple of minutes. Then she says "I remember her name! It's Facility Kendall!"

My sister and I nearly wet ourselves laughing.

It concerns us both that we have inherited genetic information from this woman....
(Thu 11th Mar 2004, 16:47, More)

» Pure Ignorance

Full of cretiny goodness..

Pringle-wearing twunt at work to harassed subordinate: "It's not rocket surgery, is it?"

Rest of office: "...!..."
(Fri 7th Jan 2005, 19:01, More)

» Evidence that you're getting old

"Grandma, we love yooouu, Grandma, we dooooo..."
I've got grey hair (that's 'hair plural', not 'hair singular', I'm afraid.)

People in shops call me "madam", and I'm automatically a "Mrs" to telemarketers etc.

On the rare occasions I go out, I feel absolutely friggin' geriatric amongst all the alco-popped-up 16 year olds, who make me want to ask them if their mothers know they're out so late, and don't they think they've had enough to drink now?

I've thrown out all my strappy heely footwear and tight fitting clothes to make way for flat shoes and comfortable items with elasticated waistbands. Mainly in black.

I worry about interest rates and pensions.

I can't wait to sit down and have a nice cup of tea after I've been shopping, 'cos my feet are aching, you see.

My right knee is really giving me gyp. )And don't get me started on my left hip...)

I've just bought an electric blanket and some slippers. And I drink Horlicks before beddy- byes.

I'm starting to squint at things I'm trying to read...

My favourite program is Grumpy Old Men, because I agree with EVERY.SINGLE.WORD. Even the stuff Jeremy Clarkson says.


I'M ONLY 27 YEARS OLD!!! How the hell did this happen, and what am I going to be like at 40, for chrissakes?!
(Tue 2nd Nov 2004, 21:43, More)