» Sacked

Fast Food
I had the misfortune of working in the fast food industry for several months and during this time met some very interesting people. Of all these people I eventually found getting close to a girl by the name of S. One day, much to my dismay, she broke the news to me that she was moving and therefore leaving work. To make sure people would remember her after leaving she decided to get sacked in spectacular fashion with me as her partner in crime and not hand her notice to management in the normal way. Her day of reckoning arrived and the companies list of sackable offences memorised. As the day progressed we succeeded in having a sauce fight, which included filling each others caps with a lovely mix of mustard, mayo and BBQ sauce and turning our plain red uniforms into something out of Joseph. We had a sword fight with the big, pinic table umberellas in the pouring rain and used them to caterpulte huge piles of sloppy mud at each other. Other offences were carried out and sure enough at the end of the day she was called into the managers office and told that due to recent performance levels she was sacked (I managed to escaped punishment as it was my 1st offence and would no longer have a bad influence).
I set off for work the next day and recieved a text from my now out of work mate reading "Wait till you see what else I did" and found out that she had sneakily booby-trapped the place at the of the day to make her sacking even more memorable. For days we found bits of chopped up burgers and hotdogs shoved in the popcorn machine, mouldy chips shoved in random chip boxes which had been re-stacked and WASPS, yes WASPS!, trapped in the umberellas so the next poor soul who opened them was attacked by a swarm of angry wasps.
(Fri 24th Feb 2006, 23:10, More)

» Heckles

Innocent
Picture the scene I'm on stage performing in the local pantomine and in this particular scene my character's blissfully unaware they're dealing with a ghost. I waffle on about how pale this ghost looks and encourage shouts of "Its a ghost" from the audience. All the other performances had gone well and audience partcipation had been at an all time high until this performance. The ghost "ghosted", I bumbled and the audience sat in dead silence forgetting that tradtionally the audience join in in pantos. It was beginning to get embarassing and so the prompt had to shout out "It's a ghost" for us as this was a key part of the scene. I opened my mouth to speak my next line and was beaten to it by a child "whispering" to their mum in the audience "Some people are so stupid it's obviously a man in a sheet". It woke the audience up as they all burst out laughing and this comment actually got the biggest laugh of the performance!
(Fri 7th Apr 2006, 21:04, More)

» School Sports Day

Oops
A memorable sports day moment has to be when I was in year 9 and a teacher had hooked his car radio up to speakers to entertain the crowd. The local radio station was put on and we all joked about ringing up and putting in a song request. As far as I knew nobody dared do it as mobiles were banned and anybody caught with a phone was serverly punished. All this changed though when over the speakers the DJ annouced "I have a request here from a pupil at ****** school who says she's bored ats sports day and needs cheering up". Cue every teacher in the school marching round demanding we turn our pockets out and every student in the school lobbing their phones into nearby bushes.
(Fri 31st Mar 2006, 16:11, More)

» Crap meals out

McDonalds + Germans
Many moons ago went to Germany on a school trip and the food wasn't exactly great. Breakfast consisted of a bread roll and jam and what was left over from breakfast was expected to be wrapped up in clingflim and taken as our dinner. Evening meal was always coloured water masquerading as soup served with another bread roll and usually some type of meat that tasted disgusting. As you can imagine we were very hungry. This meant that the little spending money we were permitted didn't go on the usual tacky souvenirs, but went on whatever edible food we good lay our hands on.
Our 3rd day was a visit to Cologne and as we pulled up outside the Cathedral our little hearts jumped for joy as we spotted the famous golden arches over the road. Our mouths literally drooled at the prospect at "proper" food and we were promised if we behaved in the cathedral we could have 30 minutes in McDonalds. The cathedral tour went by in a haze as I dreamt of what wonders I could buy for 10 Deutsche Marks. I believe I skipped across the road and when I reached the till I could have died from the joy. "Fries and lots of them" I asked as the German assistant stared inquiringly at my eager face. "And ketchup" I added hoping he understood what ketchup was. My chips are served to me and my heart sinks, I'm given a tiny, tiny portion of chips and mayo in place of my beloved ketchup. Arguing follows, much hilarity is to be had over the language barrier and I didn't get my ketchup or lots more chips. Those German's sure know how to crush a young spirit
(Thu 27th Apr 2006, 18:22, More)

» Putting the Fun in Funeral

Waiting for the off.....
So we're sitting in the car outside my Gran's house waiting for my Grandad's hearse to arrive and the start of the journey to the crematorian. My dad's trying to keep us upbeat and prevent the tears so comes out with this about the order of cars in the convoy and my gay uncle...."Now your uncle x should be bringing up the rear, he's got the most experience!" We all laughed our heads off including my younger siblings and it was a bemused looking funeral director that drove passed us in the hearse.
(Thu 11th May 2006, 21:18, More)