» Crappy Prizes

I am a priest living on an isolated island off the Irish coast
A while back I needed to raise some money to fix a hole in the roof of my house. I had the idea of holding a raffle, but that started to go wrong when the car I got from the bishop got smashed up in an amusing incident involving smoothing out a dent.

So I borrowed an identical car from a friend. However, as it was borrowed, I quickly came up with another cunning plan - the raffle would be rigged so that my curate (who we'll call Dougal) won, thus enabling us to return the car to its owner. After I tried to explain the plan to him (with hilarious consequences) the raffle began.

Soon after he almost didn't win (by looking at the number 11 upside down) it transpired that an elderly priest who was also living with me (let's call him Jack) had, in a drunken stupor, crashed it into two trucks (which he explained loudly with the help of several empty beer cans).

However, we then discovered that the car's owner had recently died of a dancing-induced heart attack. At least we didn't have to get him a new car, and we still had the money raised by the raffle.

But then I found that it had all been stolen by a bearded twat in a stupid jacket to pay for gambling debts which, ironically, had accumulated through buying a huge supply of tickets for the raffle.

And just to make it worse, someone went and televised the whole thing.
(Sun 7th Aug 2005, 19:16, More)

» The Onosecond

Well, this semi-counts
Around the time the last World Cup was on, I was talking to my girlfriend on MSN and we both happened to be in a certain mood (not because of the football, though. That would be a bit odd.) So I fire up my webcam and have been happily fwapping away for several minutes when I suddenly remember that I'd also had my webcam open for a 22 year old Belgian bloke, and forgotten to close it. Fucksocks.
(Sat 28th May 2005, 10:03, More)

» Encounters with Royalty

I met the Queen
....when I was about 4 or 5. She visited my school, and for reasons known only to the teachers, the entire school had to dress up Victorian-style for her visit - not just us kids, you understand, the classrooms were also decorated and the teachers put on an all-singing, all-dancing musical spectacular for Her Highness. I do have one theory that due to a breakdown of communication, the organisers believed it was actually the reanimated corpse of Queen Victoria that was visiting - who knows?

Anyway, my memories of it consist of rather haunting visions of my teachers singing 'Daisy, Daisy' while swaying and waving their hands and me getting angry because my parents wouldn't let me wear a flatcap even though all my friends had one (they were too common, apparently).

But I'm getting to the point. My particular job was to sit on the grass and play marbles - a challenging task, of course. I have no recollection of the next part, but I'm told by all relatives present that one such marble became temporarily misplaced, and Queen Lizzy, having just wandered over, pointed and said "It's over there!".

So there you go. Queen Elizabeth II helped me when I lost my marbles.
(Mon 7th Aug 2006, 11:41, More)

» World's Sickest Joke

I'm not racist, so retelling this makes me feel slightly dirty, but never mind....
Black guy goes on a skiing holiday, gets to his hotel and sees a sign outside:

"WHITE PEOPLE £50, BLACK PEOPLE £50"

So he thinks "ah, that's good, equality and all that", books in and goes to a restaurant for his dinner. He sees another sign outside the restaurant:

"WHITE PEOPLE £10, BLACK PEOPLE £10"

He's thinking how nice it is that everyone's equal here, has a great meal and goes back to his hotel to sleep.

The next day goes for a ski, and again he sees a sign:

"WHITE PEOPLE £20, BLACK PEOPLE £1"

Again he's happy that there's no racism here, there's even positive discrimination. He pays his £1 and is taken to a seperate ski slope. He's having a great time, he gets to a big jump and flies off it. In the distance, he hears one word:

"Pull!"


I'm sorry.
(Sat 4th Feb 2006, 14:05, More)

» It was a great holiday, but...

Well, I didn't stay around to see the result, but still
On holiday in Crete last year, I soon discovered that Cretan toilets generally only have a very thin pipe to send the water through when you flush them, thus most toilets had warning signs in them telling you not to flush bog roll. But alas, I happened to be taking a dump in a toilet that didn't bear one of the aforementioned signs, and flushed a large wet turd's worth of paper without thinking. I decided it was probably time to leave when the pipe started shaking more and more and looking as if it was about to explode, and promptly legged it.

Oh, and there was also the time when, on an all-inclusive holiday in Mexico, I decided it would be funny to get my parents as drunk as possible by repeatedly filling their glasses with wine. Not a wise move, as I discovered that night when they were having unpleasantly loud sex.
(Fri 22nd Apr 2005, 13:56, More)