» Putting the Fun in Funeral

buy one, get one free
a couple of years ago, the uncle of a good friend of mine passed away. i was invited to the funeral, but, what with it being in a provincial coutryside church and all, i decided to pass. with hindsight, that was a very poor decision indeed.

shortly after the funeral began, the priest introduced the first hymn, and the organist began to play. however, as the song went on, each verse was progressively slower than the last one, with the bereaved nervously glancing at one another as they had to adapt their singing to the organist's unpredictable tempo. finally, during the fourth verse, the organist stopped entirely, and slumped over his organ, producing a loud, off-key drone.

those who are familiar with organs will know that, unlike pianos, an organ will keep playing a note for as long as its held down. the drone continued.

the priest - who was also trained in first aid, etc - walked briskly to the back of the church (he refrained from running - this was a funeral after all), tried to see if the organist was ok, but he clearly wasn't. to make matters worse, he was a fat bastard, so no amount of heaving could lift him off the organ. needless to say, the emergency services were called.

what with this being a provincial english funeral, everyone was polite as possible, and kept looking forward - staring is awfully bad mannered. i can only imagine the looks on faces as people stared unflinchingly at the altar for fifteen minutes while waiting for the emergency services to arrive, with a dischordant organ droning in the background, only to later be added to by an ambulance siren, and the shouting of paramedics trying to perform CPR. as a final touch, the shrill whine of defibilators (if you've watched any hospital drama, you'll know the sound) was added to the cacophony, as they tried to resuscitate the organist for 20 minutes before declaring him dead.

the funeral was rescheduled.
(Thu 11th May 2006, 16:11, More)

» Childhood bad taste

christmas '99
self explanatory, really.






serious effort went into tree decoration that year. i'm still rather proud of the Angel of Death, come to think of it.

the scariest thing is, i was only 12.

bad taste. good times.
(Fri 10th Dec 2004, 22:48, More)

» I'm an expert

I'm currently writing an extended essay on...
"Why did the motif of the grasshopper take on particular significance in 17th century cavalier poetry?"

Anyone got three metres of sturdy rope?
(Thu 23rd Jun 2005, 19:43, More)

» Impromptu Games You Play

being hideously drunk
is essential for this one. oh, and you need an old school bowling alley where the returning balls get shot down a channel at the side, incredibly fast and straight back to you.

you can imagine what happens next. man drinks too much, man sits on chute with legs spread, man takes ball to the nuts. it's a great game. as long as it's not you in the hot seat.

sounds like just a stupid drunk thing to do? well, you're not far wrong. but the game is this: getting complete strangers to do it. and, believe it or not, it's doable. not easy, mind you. oh, and a rule is that you're not allowed to buy drinks for them. just smooth talk.

the record is three in one evening. beat that.
(Wed 31st Mar 2004, 15:14, More)