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- a member for 20 years, 0 months and 4 days
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» That's when I knew it was over...
3 weeks ago
By email on a Monday morning when I got to work.
9 years together. 2 kids. House. Everything.
At least by the 3rd week I feel less suicidal.
Sorry if you're looking for humour, but what do you expect with a QOTW such as this?
(Thu 21st Jul 2005, 14:37, More)
3 weeks ago
By email on a Monday morning when I got to work.
9 years together. 2 kids. House. Everything.
At least by the 3rd week I feel less suicidal.
Sorry if you're looking for humour, but what do you expect with a QOTW such as this?
(Thu 21st Jul 2005, 14:37, More)
» Losing Your Virginity
Breaking the banjo.
I got the big come on from a nurse in my local one night. I was a late starter - about 21 - and she was as rough as a badgers arse. And ginger. It must have been the uniform......
God knows why, but I agreed to go out for a drink the next night. All went well, until it came to drop off time outside her parents house. She started massaging my neck, and after some fumbling it became clear that:
1) She wasn't wearing a bra under the baggy jumper, and
2) She did indeed have fantastically enormous lils.
After some frottage of the close encounter style, I suggested we go somewhere a bit more private than her parents driveway, and ended up in an apple orchard shagging in my Ford Orion. Needless to say it wasn't the most romantic or comfortable of settings, and before long biscuits were blown.
The next night she took me out for a drink, and when she dropped me off at my parents, she came in for a nightcap.
Parents upstairs, me kneeling in front of the sofa and banging her arse off. When all was said and done and pull out time came, I realised there was a lot of blood, and that my foreskin was the wrong side of my helmet! Talk about shocked! Once things had settled down (read soft) I managed to pop everything back into place, but the banjo had been split - so no more banjo playing for a couple of weeks.
What I didn't realise was that in my panicked state, I'd bled all over the rug. I had to throw it out and lie that I'd had a nosebleed.
It lasted 5 months in all. The end came when her mum made her stay in and knit rabbits for an Easter Fayre rather than come out with me, and she put up with it! She ended up marrying a mate of mine - but that didn't last long either.
No apologies for girth. You love it really. Just be gentle when playing the banjo.
(Thu 3rd Mar 2005, 17:24, More)
Breaking the banjo.
I got the big come on from a nurse in my local one night. I was a late starter - about 21 - and she was as rough as a badgers arse. And ginger. It must have been the uniform......
God knows why, but I agreed to go out for a drink the next night. All went well, until it came to drop off time outside her parents house. She started massaging my neck, and after some fumbling it became clear that:
1) She wasn't wearing a bra under the baggy jumper, and
2) She did indeed have fantastically enormous lils.
After some frottage of the close encounter style, I suggested we go somewhere a bit more private than her parents driveway, and ended up in an apple orchard shagging in my Ford Orion. Needless to say it wasn't the most romantic or comfortable of settings, and before long biscuits were blown.
The next night she took me out for a drink, and when she dropped me off at my parents, she came in for a nightcap.
Parents upstairs, me kneeling in front of the sofa and banging her arse off. When all was said and done and pull out time came, I realised there was a lot of blood, and that my foreskin was the wrong side of my helmet! Talk about shocked! Once things had settled down (read soft) I managed to pop everything back into place, but the banjo had been split - so no more banjo playing for a couple of weeks.
What I didn't realise was that in my panicked state, I'd bled all over the rug. I had to throw it out and lie that I'd had a nosebleed.
It lasted 5 months in all. The end came when her mum made her stay in and knit rabbits for an Easter Fayre rather than come out with me, and she put up with it! She ended up marrying a mate of mine - but that didn't last long either.
No apologies for girth. You love it really. Just be gentle when playing the banjo.
(Thu 3rd Mar 2005, 17:24, More)
» Embarrassing Injuries
Split banjo
Years ago I was seeing this ugly mare who was a nurse - her only redeeming feature being fantastic baps.
We'd been out on the razz one night and she drove me home. Got outside my folks house, and things got a bit heated, so we popped indoors for a quickie on the sofa (my folks were upstairs asleep). After I'd blown my biscuits I looked down to see blood - lots of it. Once I'd recovered the old chap from the murky depths I found that I'd split my banjo - cue much "Oh Shit, Oh Shit". Once the old boy had softened up a bit, there I stood with skin between thumb and forefinger trying to pull the hoodie back to it's rightful place.
I was only light duties for weeks after that.
Tolds my folks that I'd had a nosebleed, hence the blood all over the lounge rug......
(Thu 2nd Sep 2004, 14:57, More)
Split banjo
Years ago I was seeing this ugly mare who was a nurse - her only redeeming feature being fantastic baps.
We'd been out on the razz one night and she drove me home. Got outside my folks house, and things got a bit heated, so we popped indoors for a quickie on the sofa (my folks were upstairs asleep). After I'd blown my biscuits I looked down to see blood - lots of it. Once I'd recovered the old chap from the murky depths I found that I'd split my banjo - cue much "Oh Shit, Oh Shit". Once the old boy had softened up a bit, there I stood with skin between thumb and forefinger trying to pull the hoodie back to it's rightful place.
I was only light duties for weeks after that.
Tolds my folks that I'd had a nosebleed, hence the blood all over the lounge rug......
(Thu 2nd Sep 2004, 14:57, More)
» People with Stupid Names
Stoopid names
I used to deal with a tax inspector called Mr. Puddiphat (I tort I taw a pudditat.....)
And one of the Olympic drug testing team is apparently called Dick Pound.
(Thu 26th Aug 2004, 11:48, More)
Stoopid names
I used to deal with a tax inspector called Mr. Puddiphat (I tort I taw a pudditat.....)
And one of the Olympic drug testing team is apparently called Dick Pound.
(Thu 26th Aug 2004, 11:48, More)
» Foot in Mouth Syndrome
Dead mans chair
Not just me - but a whole office:
A few years back I started a job in the accounts department of a big dental company on a Monday, and everyone seemed very nice apart from one chap who was ever so shy and quiet. Wednesday lunchtime comes around, and Mr. Shy goes off as usual, and doesn't come back. Seeing as my chair was knackered I thought I'd borrow his for the afternoon. The entire office then spent Wednesday afternoon joking about where he'd got to, with the usual "perhaps he's been run over by a bus...."
You guessed it.
Thursday morning and the whole office is called to a meeting with the MD, who informs us that Mr. Shy had apparently gone, without telling anyone, for an interview with one of our competitors. The interview must have gone badly because as he came out of their offices he walked across a dual carriageway - right in front of a truck.
Cue me swapping chairs back quietly......
(Fri 23rd Apr 2004, 12:36, More)
Dead mans chair
Not just me - but a whole office:
A few years back I started a job in the accounts department of a big dental company on a Monday, and everyone seemed very nice apart from one chap who was ever so shy and quiet. Wednesday lunchtime comes around, and Mr. Shy goes off as usual, and doesn't come back. Seeing as my chair was knackered I thought I'd borrow his for the afternoon. The entire office then spent Wednesday afternoon joking about where he'd got to, with the usual "perhaps he's been run over by a bus...."
You guessed it.
Thursday morning and the whole office is called to a meeting with the MD, who informs us that Mr. Shy had apparently gone, without telling anyone, for an interview with one of our competitors. The interview must have gone badly because as he came out of their offices he walked across a dual carriageway - right in front of a truck.
Cue me swapping chairs back quietly......
(Fri 23rd Apr 2004, 12:36, More)