» Shops and Supermarkets

Mistaken for a sales droid.
One Saturday many moons ago I found myself by coincidence all dressed in black in a certain retail outlet where the staff wear an all black uniform. Whilst there I was accosted by a gentleman who proceeded to quite abusively tear strips off me for "my" companys shoddy customer service, he wasn't happy with the product he bought, etc., etc. I tried to butt in a couple of times and tell him I didn't work there, he kept telling me to be quiet and let him finish. Eventually he does and signs off with a triumphant "Well, what are you going to do about it!?".

"Well.....I'm going to say you're a massive fuckwit" I responded and returned to my browsing. He went purple, spluttered and stormed off to return shortly with a bemused manager, who asked him what the issue was. He pointed widly at me and stated I was very rude to him, the manager looked even more puzzled and enquired as to why this should concern him to which said gentleman shouted "I WANT AN APOLOGY AND I WANT HIM FIRED!".

The manager looked at me, I grinned, he looked back at the now foaming gentlemen and calmly said "But he doesn't work here, sir". This was just too much, the guy howled with rage and stormed out of the shop, leaving me to explain to the now very confused manager what had just happened. I got discount on what I decided to buy after I'd told him the story.
(Mon 14th May 2012, 22:46, More)

» Breasts

Memory is a wonderful thing....


When I was at the tender of 15 I used to go swimming a lot, in one of those old style pools where the deep end was properly deep, not just up to your knees like ones these days.

Anyway a couple of girls I went to school with also used to go at pretty much the same time on a Saturday as I did, one of them (lets call her Ethel to save her blushes, just in case) was stunning, and I mean truly truly STUNNING. Tall, slim, long auburn hair, slighty olive skinned and with a just perfect in everyway set of sweater puppies. There wasn't a boy in school who didn't drop about 60 IQ points and loose the ability to coordinate when she walked past, and I considered her a friend, cos I knew I'd never get any further than that.

So the three of us were horsing about in the pool and I was doing my usual thing (at the time) of sitting on the bottom at the deep end for no other reason than because I could. It was at this point that Ethel decided to take a run up and dive in. Unfortunately I think her costume (a one-piece) was slightly too big for her and as she entered the water it peeled neatly down to her knees. As the bubbles cleared there she floated a few feet away from me, almost completely naked, hair floating out around her head in a halo, and those perfect breasts just swaying slowly in the water, once it dawned on her what had happened she naturally struggled to correct the situation.

I pretty much gasped on the bottom of the pool, and therefore nearly fucking drowned before I made it back to the surface. She knew I'd seen but never said anything and neither did I, and I never have until now.

Apologies for length?...none, it's been over 20 years since that happened and I can still see her as clearly as if it was yesterday.
(Sun 9th May 2010, 14:23, More)

» Annoying Partners

Like a kipper....
Several years ago I found myself on a project with an individual who's technical knowledge would haved struggled to fill a postage stamp. However, through being a friend of a friend, he ended up blagging his way into a role way above his skill set. He made up for this by being a sneaky little bugger, when an issue arose he would hang on the shoulder of myself or the other member of our merry band of three whilst we worked out what was wrong. As soon as you uttered what you believed the issue to be and how to fix it, off he would shoot like the flash, locate the nearest most senior person and, yep you guessed it..."We've worked out what the issue is, it's XYZ and I think we should do XYZ to fix it".

After about 3 months of this, I was getting pretty hacked off, until one day the perfect opportunity arose. A serious production problem occured for which I new what the fix was before I looked at (a fairly simple one), however I logged on, went through the motions with matey watching all the time, then stated that the problem was XYZ and the fix for it was to reboot the server, a drastic fix to a live service to say the least. Before you could say "faster than a speeding bullet" he was off.....

So cutting a long story short, he gave the powers that be the wrong diagnosis, got them to prepare to reboot a live service affecting a large amount of users, before I stepped in. I explained what the real problem was, that I'd already fixed it, there was no need for a reboot and asked how he'd managed to come to that diagnosis for the problem. Of course he tried to blame it on me, but that just made him look worse, he ended up on a "performance improvement plan", and he never bothered me again.



Apologies for length...
(Thu 4th Aug 2011, 16:24, More)

» Twattery

Summer job helping out at a country fair...
Twat screams onto the car park (read field) in an escort with a ridiculous (and very low) body kit scattering parents and children in all directions in a flight for their lives. I flag said twat down and politely ask him if he'd slow down and warn him that the fields not very flat. He promptly told me to do something unspeakable to myself and sped off......

*CRUNCH*

Twat climbs out of his car, walks round the back to retrieve the now detached (and mangled cos he ran over it) front half of his body kit and proceeds to cram it in the boot of his escort....before deciding to leave.
(Thu 12th Apr 2012, 18:54, More)

» Best Comebacks

Oh this takes me back.......
Went out for a "quiet" meal with my wife one evening to a little restaurant. It was royally spoiled by some loud monied twunt, who basically thought everyone wanted to hear what he was saying. Every other word he shouted was some form of expletive, and every other sentence was about how wonderful he was.

By the end of the main course I was well hacked off with him and I went to the bar (which was right next to his table) to order another drink. He chose this moment to exclaim loudly that he ran a company that employed 500 people.

I turned to him and said fairly loudly myself "Really, and I bet they all think you're a twat like everyone in here does".

I got a round of applause and he shut up after that.




Also when at school many many moons ago, I got thrown out of a Home Ec class due to asking the teacher "Should we eat it or bury it?" with regards to the vegetarian lasagne she had just made. Also for following that question later by when she asked what would really finish it off replying "Coffin lid".
(Thu 29th Apr 2004, 19:36, More)