» Scars with history

It's all Flash Gorden's fault you know
Upon witnessing the genius film that is Flash Gorden my brother and I decided to recreate the infamous woodbeast scene utilsing only the cushions from the sofa and our lunatic ginger tomcat. The cushions were set up so that the aforementioned cat was inside and was covered so that there were 5 places in which to stick your hand left. Now, if you touched the back end of the cat you had just enough time to get your hand out before the bastard got you good. Put your hand in by his face and you acquire scars like those running down my fingers, that are still plainly visible nearly 13 years later. This cat has also scarred my upper arms, nearly pulled my Mum's lip off once and used to attack all small children that went near him. I do love him though.





He am ginger.
(Tue 8th Feb 2005, 16:46, More)

» My Wanking Disasters

Wankers cramp.
Right then. I was knocking one off in my room and had just reached the jester's shoes when I was struck with the most horrifying cramp. This was easily the worst cramp i had ever had, I could see the muscles moving under my skin like fucking snakes and I couldn't cry out too loud because all my housemates might come in and see me writhing around butt naked, covered in cum, in full lob and holding my legs. And weeping. So i just bit the pillow and endured. Within a couple of hours my legs were back to normal but covered in black bruises like i'd been hit with something. I've nver seen anything like it, or had worse cramps. Made me scared to wank for at least 3 days. Moral of this tale? If you feel like a wank is going nowhere, do not get the leg tensing in.
(Thu 3rd Jun 2004, 16:40, More)

» My Worst Vomit

Vomming on the job
Short and sweet really. Highly bladdered on the old wife beater and had managed to pull a girl from Redditch (not very hard) She had a double water bed and I got sick very quickly. I vomited all over her face whilst I was conkers deep but she didn't care and wiped it off and told me to carry on. Feeling much better, and still maintaining wood, I carried on. Oh, and a girl puked on my dick once after I'd coughed my filthy youghurt in her mouth.
(Fri 20th Aug 2004, 14:19, More)

» Schadenfreude

And down she goes
Me and a friend of mine were sitting in the Friends meeting house gardens eating our pizzas when a pneumatic blonde stalked past. Smartly dressed, high heels, beautiful. She catches us pair of grebs ogling her out of the corner of her eye and gives us the evils. Just then her heels catch in the pavement and she goes down hard. Proper faceplant. We both started howling with laughter, she picks herself up and off she went, suitably chastened.

I don't think I'll ever get tired of people falling over.

And all hail Harry Hill for ushering in a golden era for You've been framed.
(Thu 17th Dec 2009, 18:43, More)

» Oldies vs Computers

NHS
I work in the NHS and the amount of idiot fat women of a certain age who work there who have no bastard idea about computers is staggering. One lady had to be taught how to use a mouse (now you've got to double click...no, it's got to faster than that..no faster than that..)
And another lady wanted to know how to make her browser screen go bigger, so i told her to press f11
A period of silence is broken by 'i can't find the 11 key'
What the fuck thinks i. I wander over and she's holding down f and looking hard for the 11 key
'do i press 1 twice for 11?'
sigh
and the government wants all medical records to be kept electronically now.
i would hate to be in IT in the NHS
(Fri 22nd Sep 2006, 17:07, More)