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» Accidental innuendo

Great big ones.
So my colleagues and I had got around to discussing apples; it was one of those days. We were three that day - me, my supervisor (ex-Army bloke) and a Bangladeshi lady, very sweet and innocent.

Anyway. Apples were the subject, and we were comparing our favourites. I volunteered Braeburn. My supervisor said Granny Smith. The Bangladeshi lady smiled and said:

"Well, I think English Cox are the best!"

Cue my supervisor and I going purple and eating lots of desk.
(Sat 14th Jun 2008, 2:29, More)

» Buses

Maybe you're gonna be the one that saves me...
Not a crap story - a rather sweet one, really.

I'd just got on a bus headed for Oakwood Underground station, and found myself sharing the back row with a young hippie couple and their equally hippie (but extremely blonde and photogenic) two-year old son. Traffic is heavy, the rate of progress is consequently slow and, sensing that their offspring may be getting a tad fractious, the couple start to sing to him.

"Twinkle Twinkle Little Star"? "Old MacDonald Had A Farm"? No, far too bourgeois for such unrepentantly New Age parents. They gave the tot a near-perfect a capella rendition of "Wonderwall".

Once I got over the initial surrealism of the situation, I decided to join in, and I must say, the wee one seemed pleasantly amused by all this.
(Thu 2nd Jul 2009, 13:01, More)

» Hotel Splendido

I got the Atlantic City blues...
I'm not pouring wrath on Atlantic City. I'm really not.

Okay, yes, I am. It's a complete shithole, and my only defence is that it wasn't my decision to go there.

However, go there we did, and since it was a spur of the moment decision (I reiterate: NOT MINE) my then-fiance and I ended up hoofing it, looking for a place to stay.

We found a motel (it had to be a motel; there were no guard towers or bars on the windows) and were shown to a room. I did a spot check, wandered into the bathroom, lifted the lid of the bog and turned a rather fetching shade of pale green. It was swimming, brimming and other words ending in "-imming" with yellow diarrhoea.

I staggered back out of the bathroom and very weakly asked for a new room, which we were duly afforded. In truth, it wasn't much better, but at least the toilet didn't look as though Ewan McGregor had just been on it.
(Fri 18th Jan 2008, 17:58, More)

» Claims to Fame

My own little crap claim to fame...
When I was a postal cadet in 1991, I worked alongside the nephew of William Gaunt, star of 1960s TV series "The Champions". Er. That's it. Oh, and my cousin plays for QPR, which is a slightly better claim to fame - but anything would be better than the first one!
(Sat 26th Feb 2005, 2:42, More)