» Shit Stories

I have to add this as well
I have just rememembered another tale of poo.

I was told this by an old associate and I believe him.

While at university whenever they moved into a new house they would always play a game called "hide the turd". This meant each new housemate would plop out a log and conceal it somewhere and the challenge would be to find it.

They all hid their turds. The first two were found quite quickly. The third one took about 4 days, it was concealed at the bottom of a cowboy boot only to be discovered when a foot was placed in it. Imagine squishy poop inbetween your toes.

But what about the fourth poo? Weeks went past. No sign of the poo yet. Until one day some students came over to the house. They were a bit peckish, propably had the munchies so they decided to chow down on some nice white rubber bread. They dug deep into the margarine which was a massive family size tub and running low.

What did they find in there?

Concealed in the bottom was the 4th poo. It had been hidden under the marge all this time.
(Thu 6th May 2004, 9:14, More)

» Child Labour

Cut me some fresh!
My first job was at a deli counter, in a newly opened super market.

Downside, weak weak pay, upside, taking prime cuts of food. My boss was an extremely subintelligent worm, with thick bright blue framed glasses, (a man!) how I wanted to kill him. He used to say things to me like "Are you fick or sumfing?" why did he risk his life like this? All around were a huge variety of big cleavers, prongs, and the meat slicer. I dreamed of clamping his fucking face down and gently rocking him back and forth, slicing his head thinly while his muffled screams slowly faded.

And then the blue hairs, the biddies who would insist on fresh slices of corned beef, get the fuck out biddy, fresh corned beef. Still they were not to be of this earth for long being blue hairs. And to prove to them that the lights were tinted at the counter, and really all the produce was a shitty grey colour. Their cataract riddled eyes would light up like stinking gas lights in amazement of the trickery.
I worked there for about a month so I would get my pay and then told them to fuck off which was cool.

I'm a loving and kindhearted person, let me cuddle you, but my time there started to awaken a dark side, best thing I quit before Mr. Gunton, (name easily changed) ended up next to the Honey Roast.

I love you all.
(Tue 21st Feb 2006, 7:56, More)

» Job Interviews

BBC
I went for a job at the BBC, glad I didn't get it in the end, I mean it is in the middle of nowhere and an "institution"
Interview went well I thought, two smiling "freaks" on the other side of the desk asking me questions which I confidently answered well.
Interview ended and the smaller "freak" led me to the reception whereupon as a gentlemen I shook his hand to thank him.
I don't have a macho handshake and I hate worms who try to assert themselves with this act.
Imagine my horror when his hand seemed to crumple like paper, I felt his bones move all over the place and his faced winced in agony. He pulled away his crumpled flipper with tears in his eyes.
I didn't get the job. Maybe there was something in their coffee????
(Sun 23rd Jan 2005, 10:37, More)

» My Collection

Child Molesters Shrunken Heads
I like to collect child molesters heads. Shrunken down using an old Inca Technique, they end up about 5" tall. The smallest is about 4"
Making them is my secret hobby. The thrill of the chase, the quick euthanising, chilled box for storage.
I have about 8 so far and 1 a work in progress. I have them hidden outside my place as the girlfriend doesn't know, and also believes that everyone should be given a 2nd chance??????
(Sat 13th Jan 2007, 9:12, More)

» Guilty Pleasures

Snout Digging
I love masticating some good bogeys. I am not even slightly ashamed, it's actually good for you and helps you develop a strong immune system.
Strangest habit I have though, around the anus are small pores, they fill up with a weird orange cheesy type substance, not sure what it is or why it is orange. I am compelled to squeeze these out but need to look into a mirror cheeks wide open to get a good view of what I am doing.
Look at your own anus (your chocolate starfish) the wings may feel lumpy a little, maybe you have some little orange cheese of your own. Let us know what delights you find.
(Thu 7th Apr 2005, 12:31, More)