» Why should you be fired from your job?

Shit restaurant...
I currently work in a small independent (read shit) restaurant. Generally i do fuck all in the kitchen, apart from the occasional gobbing in the arrogent fucker who sends his food back (i dont do it to any other customers, only the odd cunt who pisses me off). the boss runs the restaurant with his hot wife (who fancied the fuck out of me), and he is a right cunt.

a while ago, we had a large delivery of fillet steaks. i was so pissed off at the boss at this point that i dropped them over the floor, and threw them away. it cost him about £120. by this point, he was really pissed off with me, and cut my wages by £10 a day until the £120 was payed back. naturally, i was extremely fucked off at this point, so i went upstairs into their flat and wanked into his hot wifes panties.

about a week after this he was being even more of a cunt, and left me to serve a table of 20 on my own while he went to the supermarket, drinks and everything. so i did the only thing i could think of doing, and went to his flat abve the restaurant, leaving the only waitress to do the cooking, and fucked his hot wife for about 15 mins.

anyway, the order went out as the waitress was fucking good, and all was well. as it was closing time, i left the cleaner to work, and gave his wife another good seeing to.

i got a call from him the next day telling me im fired, because i used the bar and wasnt meant to.

during the next few weeks, i continued banging his hot wife, and eventuallly they split up because "i cant stand his shit anymore".

said hot wife is now hot girlfriend, and i continue to bang her to this day.

apologies to hotgf... erm i mean sally.
(Sat 11th Aug 2007, 21:00, More)

» Being told off as an adult

I jumped down 5 stairs at a certain retail giant to intercept the delivery of a pallet in a lift, where I work
and the duty manager (who is also head of health and safety) was walking up them. he went "Right, tell me why that is dangerous". I stare at the ground and say "erm, i could fall and break my neck". he says "correct, and apart from the company getting sued, who else could get sued...hmm?" i go "erm...sorry, sir"
"if i catch you doing it again, i will take action. ok?" "yes, sir" "good."

he walks up the stairs, i wait until he got to the top, and jump a further 8 stairs to the bottom.
(Thu 20th Sep 2007, 17:51, More)

» Scars with history

no little finger
once, when i was five my brother who was 4 decided it would be funny to chop the end off of my finger. with a meat cleaver. and then spray my dad's deoderant all over it. cue me crying my eyes out like fuck, brother with a very sore arse and a worried paramedic trying to find the top of my finger. they found it in a sippy cup in my bro's room. next week i pushed him down the stairs and he lost 2 front teeth


no apologies for lenth
(Fri 4th Feb 2005, 15:15, More)

» Toilets

asda wallmart loo
at derby, about 2 month ago, i had to use the bogs at the asda wallmart in spondon. i finished my business and was then greeted by the sight and smell of a stupid twat who somehow had managed to cover himself, his clothes and his wallet in shite. he said "its not shit"
obviously it was, as he smelled like the river thames, and he was covered in brown marks!
cunt

no need for girth, its the length that matters (or the lack of it) eep!
(Wed 7th Sep 2005, 9:06, More)

» I Drank Meths (pointless teenage things you did to shock)

Back in the day, when I was about 14, I visited some mates in Milton Keynes.
Walking into town, me and said mates had a series of challenges to see who was hardest. The game involved lifting wheelie bins above our heads with one of the lighter members of our group inside. I got the bin and lifted it up, and the girl inside fell onto the cold hard tarmac of 1st street. She broke her arm.

Also, a couple of months later we decided to run around like loons inside the shopping centre. This ended up with one of my mates being thoroughly fucked up by the police on 6th street after knocking over some poor woman. Breaking her arm. And legging it.
(Thu 19th Jul 2007, 19:42, More)