» Accidental animal cruelty

Frog Wars
When I was a young-un, there was this large-ish pond in the woods near our house. Each year, for some un-known reason, the pond used get full with hundreds of frogs. You could just plunge you hand in an almost always come out with a frog.

Being gentle, kind-hearted kids we came up with a great game "Frog Wars". Frog wars basically involved throwing frogs at each other whist running around the pond. There weren't really any rules, you just had to throw frogs at someone.

During one particular game, I hurled a frog right across thge pond at another kid. It was one of those perfect throws that you just knew was going to hit its mark. The world almost stood still as the frog-weapon arced above the water towards my target. Unfortunately for him, he happened to be shouting just at the point of impact and my aim was true. It wasn't just a head shot but a mouth shout. The frog landed right in his mouth. It was probably one of the funniest / most disgusting things I have ever seen. The poor kid screamed and vomited on the spot.

This was to be the end of Frog wars. I think that he went home and told his mum and we all got a bollocking.
(Thu 6th Dec 2007, 14:24, More)

» Ripped Off

Sucker!
I'm such a sucker and would happily buy some magic beans if someone offered to sell me some.

A few years ago I got a letter from some company saying that I was going to be included in a book called "Who's Who of Britain's Young Business Elite" (I own my own company you see). To get a personalised listing and a copy of the book I had to pay them something like £60.

Being the complete sucker I am, I duly sent off my £60. Low and behold, a month or 2 later, the book arrived. It obviously had sod all to do with the real Who's Who books and was simply some dodgy company getting a list of company directors from Companies House and spamming them all.

I occasionally come across it on the bookshelf and it reminds me of what a tosser I am.
(Thu 15th Feb 2007, 16:56, More)

» Mad Stuff You've Done To Get Someone To Sleep With You

18 years for a few extra shags
I agreed to have a baby in order to get more action from the missus.

I expected at least 6 months of frantic banging before anything happend. Only took 2 goes.

Damn my fertile loins.
(Mon 16th Apr 2007, 16:51, More)

» The Onosecond

Oops
When I was in my 6th form of school (far too long ago now) the 6th form common room was in a seperate small old building from the rest of the main school. One day two little machines (about the size of a shoe box) appeared in there which seemed to be sampling the air. Me and a mate thought it would be really funny to tamper with them and broke of some small bits from these asbestos type boards that were behind the radiators (they were like the ones you used to put your bunsen burner on. We then crumbled these bits into the bit of the machines that were obviously sucking in the air.

After this I just went home for lunch thinking nothing more of it. Later that day I got a very panicky call from my fellow saboteur saying that the building had been evacuated and shut. I went up to the school and there was red tap over the door saying "Hazardous - do not enter". The machines had recorded massive levels of asbestos in the atmosphere. Within 6 months, the building had been demolished and re-built.

I bricked it for about 6 months after that, convinced I was at least going to get expelled or sent to jail or something. Luckily niether happened. And we got a brand spanking new common room!
(Fri 27th May 2005, 16:56, More)

» I'm going to Hell...

Holy dog poo
Last year, I went to visit my sister who lives in the middle of a small town in Devon. I took my dog with me who is normally very well house trained and can hold it in for hours.

Whilst we were in my sister's flat, Molly (the dog) started looking very restless and whimpering a bit so I thought that she must need a wee.

As my sister lives in a 1st floor flat, in the middle of the town, there was a distinct lack of grass around and Molly is very particular where she goes to the loo and will only ever do it on grass (don't ask me why).

Just over the road from my sister's flat is a church with a very grassy grave yard around it. I thought that God wouldn't mind her doing a cheeky wee on hallowed ground.

As soon as I got her on the path (leading up to the door of the church) Molly squatted and did the biggest, most smelly, evil and runny poo I have ever seen. It just kept on coming and coming and was almost bigger than her. I don't think that bones she had eaten the night before agreed with her.

Just at that very moment, the door of the church opened and a bride and groom exited followed by the the rest of their wedding party, heading straight for the huge steaming pile that Molly had just finished building.

She hadn't even finished properly but I knew that it was time to leave before I was smited or at least beaten up by the groom so I dragged her out of the gate, still in poo position and scuttled off down the road, feeling very guilty.

Now, I'm normally very diligent when it comes to picking up after her. However, this poo was so big and runny I would have stood no chance with my little poo bag. It would have required a shovel and dustbin bag at least.

So, if you had your wedding in a nice little church in Devon last year and it was ruined by some lout letting his dog do a massive, evil poo in front of you, sorry, I really didn't mean for that to happen.

Ticket, one way please.
(Fri 12th Dec 2008, 14:25, More)