» Claims to Fame

Anyone sad enough to
be watching channel 4's new series of 'Brat camp' may have noticed a girl called -redacted-. This particular individulal is a nasty peice of work, and going to school with her for two years is one of my few modest claims to fame. And now all the shit that the channel 4 forums won't let me show:

*Her real name is -redacted-, according to her passport, a copy of which one of my mates nicked from her bag when she pissed us all of. Yet the name on the school's register was ;

*She used to stuff her bra, prooved when her ex-boyfriend showed the entire 1st XI rugby team nude photos of her before the game against -redacted- college. We drew the match;

*She honestly thought for a long while she was black, her idiom changed accordingly up to the point where she would spurt such profanities as 'im gonna kick yo ass biatch' in a defined middle-england boarding school accent;

*No-one liked her, ever, not even her parents;

*She used to charge £20 for blowjobs down the woods, and a conspiracy even formed that teachers were taking advantage of this offer. later prooved to be bollocks, but the blowjob bit is true;

*Her nick-names have included frog-face, platypus, terry's chocolate orange, prick tease;

*In year 11 she had really bad facial hair and she was presented with a gillete sensor excell quatro (the best a man can get), which was hilarious, as the stubble on her face was visible at close range;

*She once inserted a tampon with 4 other people in the room. Sick bitch;

*She used to set off fire alarms at 2am in the morning (this is a boarding school remember), entirely on the motive of being able to run down, half naked to the fire assembly point, in front of every male member of the school;

*The schools she has been expelled from include -redacted-, where I knew her, and her name will forever live in infamy.

Yea, as I said, that was just the stuff I couldn't put on the C4 website, possibly because there are laws against it or something. This has mainly been for the amusement of the author.

Oh yeah, and I ordered steak at Rick Stein's resturant once when I was 8 and told the great man himself it was 'shit'.
(Thu 24th Feb 2005, 21:18, More)

» Injured Siblings

Defacing the property
of an older sibling is never a good plan. So anyways, myself (at the time 13) and my brother (16) had just become the proud owners of a couple of BB guns (cheers mum and dad!). Now this isn't exactly a open and shut case of 'bullet in the eye'. Oh my no.
So we're running round the garden doing the whole SAS thing, trying to blast the balls off each other. And then... I decide to go and slip on the mildly wet grass, twist my ankle round, doubling it back round to my ass with an awesome "CRACK!". So off to the hospital we go. Diagnosis: fractured ankle. Remedy: surgery, with charming metal plate.
So I'm booked in to have the operation a week after the initial A & E visit and I'm chilling at home in a soft temporary cast waiting for my appointment. Without school to keep me occupied, I had found entertainment through drawing beards on the posters on my brother's wall, most namely that of Dave Grohl of Foo Fighters fame.
So my brother gets back from school, observes my handiwork, storms down and kicks my said injury off the coffee table. Worst pain I've ever felt. Week later, after the pre-op X-ray... amended diagnosis: broken ankle, multiple fractures. Remedy: another metal plate. Ow. 4 years later and we both went to see the Foo Fighters together, and subsequently met Dave Grohl. He already had a beard. I don't think he'd have cared anyway.
(Mon 22nd Aug 2005, 1:49, More)

» Childhood bad taste

This one got passed round my dad's office a bit:
I went to the bog in a local pub with my dad, aged about 6 and saw a vending macine with lots of pretty colours and names of flavours on the outside. My then fragile un-corrupted mind instictivley asked my father for two english pounds to purchase what I percieved to be sweeties from this mysterious mechanical vending contraption.
Needless to say, I will never ever use flavoured condoms EVER. Even if it means going without.
(Wed 15th Dec 2004, 21:40, More)

» Claims to Fame

Maybe,
but if you ever met her you would agree that this was pennance enough for her very existence. Besides, I believe cruelty and ridicule lie in the very spirit of this website and should be encouraged at every possible oppertunity.
(Thu 24th Feb 2005, 21:41, More)

» Claims to Fame

But if she was here to defend herself...
it would be hilarious.
(Thu 24th Feb 2005, 21:36, More)