» Hidden Treasure

Messages in pot pourri
Moved into a flat in ye olde Edinburgh during my student days. Found, in my wardrobe, a little pink pot-pouri doll bearing the message "Happy New Home". A nice present from the previous occupant, I assumed.

A couple of days later my flatmate found a letter from the previous tenants, stashed in a drawer under her bed which just said something like "Any problems with the flat, feel free to call us on..." and then a mobile number. All very nice, we thought, the people who lived here before us must be lovely nice people, must be just in case we have trouble figuring out how to work the boiler etc etc. Eh no.

The flat turned out to be a total hellhole. For a start it was haunted. And I mean HAUNTED. Numerous sightings of a very nosey and vocal woman ghost, who was prone to violence, especially when it involved knocking over things made of glass. It got so bad that there were occasions, during our exams, when we all slept in the same room for "safety in numbers" reasons. By the end of the year we were nervous wrecks. It also doubled, as all student hovels do, as a reputable hotel for the local mouse population. Imagine a scene from that well known pied piper tale with the rivers of rats running everywhere and they had a particular penchant for swinging on our grill pan, which they used as their own personal obstacle course. Bits of the toilet had been stuck together with sellotape and the landlord was a totally dodgy git, although I probably owe him my degree, as I'd never spent so much time in the Library in my life, just so I didn't have to go home.

We never did call the previous occupants. They'd probably have just laughed at our misery.

Happy New Home? Sarcastic bastards...
(Mon 4th Jul 2005, 16:03, More)

» Useless advice

A potential cause of blindness...
Of all the parental advice dispensed to me as a youngster e.g. "Don't talk to strangers", "Look both ways before you cross the road" etc etc, the most useless was:

"Don't touch dog poo and then rub your eyes"

My mother used to tell me this every time I went out to play. Apparently, it causes blindness. Yes, well - of course it does - you won't be able to see...because you have dog shit smeared all over your eyes!

Thankfully, although the general rule of thumb for being a kid is to do absolutely everything your parents tell you NOT to do, I was never tempted on this one.

Although, in saying that - having found out that at least one other commonly rumoured cause of blindness is complete bollocks, who knows the real truth?
(Thu 19th Oct 2006, 21:57, More)

» I just don't get it

Tingling
Durex invent new condom called "Tingle" - so called because it provides tingling sensation when used.

What's one of the main symptoms (apparently) of genital herpes and other sexually transmitted diseases?

Yep, tingling...

What I don't get is how this idea managed to go from, presumably a random product development brainstorming session to an actual new kind of johnny without somebody going: "Hang on guys, what is it again that contraceptives are supposed to prevent?.."

Yeyhey! Lost post virginity on the subject of safe sex...
(Wed 6th Apr 2005, 15:53, More)