» In the Army Now - The joy of the Armed Forces

Armies
My armies are in my sleevies.

Thanks kids, I'm pissed.
(Fri 24th Mar 2006, 2:38, More)

» Barred

Weatherspoons in Loughborough
A couple of summers ago, I was on a week long residential course at Loughborough Uni. It had something to do with leadership and teambuilding and all that bollocks. One night we all went down into the centre of Loughborough and managed to find a Weatherspoons (I think it was called the moon and bell, or something like that, but I could be horribly wrong).

Anyway, after drinking a certain amount of pints (I don't remember how many), I decide I need to relieve myself but being outside in the beergarden at the back, the toilet was much too far away, being upstairs inside.

Clever little me spies the fire escape steps which climb up the back of the building and are clearly visible from pretty much everywhere, being 2 stories high. I climb diligently to the top and proceed to let fly from the top, into the road which ran along the side of the pub.

When done, I rejoined the party to a few shocked looks but nothing else. When we all came to leave I was approaced by the manager who promptly told me he'd seen what I'd done and that he'd had complaints. I didn't believe him, but apparently 5 or 6 families were all disgusted with my behaviour. He told me that if I did it again, I'd be barred. "Fair enough", I think.

I'd love to say I went back the next day and did it again, but as soon as I walked in the manager chucked me out again. Apparently he'd changed his mind and I WAS already barred. THe lying cunt. Been back since though AND used the toilet.
(Thu 31st Aug 2006, 13:55, More)

» My first love

Hannah.......that bitch!
A girl called Hannah was my first love, and good god was she ever the wrong person to fall for! I'm only just now starting to realise how fucking horrible she was!

The story all starts at the beginning of secondary school, where I fancied her from the off. Over the next few years she graudually made her way through most of my friends whilst continually overlooking me, telling me how we were "really close friends". Eventually, at the beginning of year 11 she decided she was a lesbian and started going out with this fucking weirdo girl who really did look like a boy. This really pissed me off as it kinda ruined my chances of EVER being able to get in her nickers. After about a year of lesbianism she suddenly decided she wasn't a lesbain anymore and that she actually fancied me, and told me that she pretty much always had done. Naturally, i'm overjoyed at the thought of turning a lesbian back to the straight side and we started going out. However, once that happened she started using me. All my mates noticed it and tried to tell me, but I was just so glad at being able to see her breasts that I ignored them all. Then came the fake epeleptic fits, and pretending to be an alcoholic to try and get attention. Oh, and the time she pretended to take an overdose. Eventually, after destroying me inside she decided she actally fancied my very best mate in the whole world, and left me for him. Bastards. Total relationship probably lasted about 3 months.

Haven't spoken to either of those cunts in a good couple of years now.

Not that I'm bitter about it or anything.
(Fri 21st Oct 2005, 17:28, More)

» My computer gave away my secrets

Penis size
When i was a young wee lad I was very paranoid about my length and girth (as I imagine most teenagers are) so I googled "What is the average male penis length?".

Unfortunately the next day, or possibly the day after (its not really important when), I was watching my dad looking at the internet (possibly out of paranoia) when all of a sudden my teenage googling appeared on the screen.

He asked if it was me and I couldn't think of anything to do other than stand up without a word and go hide in my bedroom.

I'm pretty sure he still thinks I'm a gay one.
(Fri 10th Feb 2006, 13:56, More)

» It's not me, it's the drugs talking

Birthday messiness
It was my 21st birthday last September and as you can imagine, i felt it was my duty to get absolutley off my rocker. I go to Leeds university, and to celebrate the occasion me and a mate (also their birthday) rented out a nearby bar called The Faversham (mainly because it was free as I work there). Started drinking at about 7 o'clock until at approximately 11 someone bought be a shot of absinthe and made me gas chamber it. For those who don't know this is where you light the absinthe in a glass and collect all the fumes in a big wine glass, blow it out, neck the shot then use a straw to inhale the fumes. From here on my memory is very sketchy.

I DON'T remember trying to suck a girls neck, missing said neck, falling over whilst dragging the girl with me and slicing my ear open on the side of a plant pot. I VAGELY remember arriving at hospital and CLEARLY remember discharging myself about half an hour later without it being treated or stiched in anyway, after being told it had a 90% chance of being infected. Apparently I did alot of swearing at a policemen whilst there.

Anyway, back to the party I go cos I want to keep drinking. The next memory I have is waking up at 11 the next morning.

I've been reliably informed that after closing time at the bar, we all went back to my mate's boyfriends house for an afterparty. I gobbled up about 5 pills and proceded to talk UTTER SHIT to everyone and everything. Such behaviour included, after being given a drink, saying "Thanks, i'm just gonna see if Harry wants some" and offering said drink to the wall, when it was Harry that gave me my drink in the first place. Also, looking at absolutely nothing at all and saying "That's a fucking lovely car that is" repeatedly.

By about 5 in the morning people decided it was time for me to leave, so Harry decided to walk me and my blood drenched hair back to the nearest available place to sleep. Apparently it took about 2 hours for me to get myself unconcious as I was still chatting to all the people at the party, depite it just being me and him there.

Took about 2 days of feeling really weird inside to recover from that party. Brilliant.

I'm not gonna make a joke about length of girth or any of that bollocks because I think it's shit.
(Sun 18th Dec 2005, 13:07, More)