» My Worst Date

A Spanking Good Time?
I met an American girl in a bar and we exchanged numbers, all very prim and proper. We spoke on the phone a couple of times until late one night the conversation started getting a bit steamy and she jumped in a cab to come over to my place.
However, very shortly afetr she arrived I realised I had let myself in for more than I had originally bargained. She'd brought a massive sports bag with her. At first I thought she was trying to move in, but then she opened the bag and began to arrange its contents on the table in my bedroom... I have never seen such a nasty collection of whips, paddles, old slippers and shoes, plus the usual "toys". I was really scared; she wanted me to pretend to be her older brother's best friend and "punish" her for being a "bad little girl". I intimated that there must have been some kind of misunderstanding and that I didn't have it in me to do that, but she was insulted by this and got really aggressive. She said that she wouldn't have come half way across London in a cab if she knew she wasn't going to get a beating! In the process of delivering this rant, she pulled her skirt up and her underwear down to prove she was for real - to reveal thighs and a backside almost mutilated from serial S&M torture. She pointed to the worst scar and said "I even paid for that one honey!".
Anyway, to cut a long story short (if it isn't already too late to do that), I managed to calm her down, helped her pack away her mobile dungeon and arranged a cab to come and pick her up. That was 6 years ago but the memory of it still makes me shudder. Seems that the throw-away remark she made in the preceding phonecall - "are you gonna spank me" - wasn't throw-away at all. Sorry for long (first) post.
(Fri 22nd Oct 2004, 12:55, More)

» That's when I knew it was over...

I knew it was over when...
...a South African girl I was dating years ago decided it would be romantic to sing/whine "If I can't 'ave you, I don't want nobody baby..." to me on a packed Northern Line tube. Stone cold sober and in the highest squeakiest failed-Pop-Idol-audition voice you can imagine without a hint of irony. I'm not a shallow person and if any one factor had been different, I might have appreciated the gesture, but there was something a little unhinged about it that made me cringe. I told her I had to break it off cos I was mentally ill. Which sort of became true, so er... let that be a lesson to anyone considering using a terrible lie like that to get out of something!
(Wed 27th Jul 2005, 14:57, More)

» Office Christmas Parties

Double-Crossing No-Good Posh zeppelin
In April 2004, I left the most miserable company I've ever worked for after 3.5 years of gruelling service.

I organised the Christmas Party in 2002 and it was huge success... Nice meal at a posh hotel, followed by a suitably cheesey disco. It was the perfect mix of comfort and cliche, to make partying with a bunch of tossers almost bearable.

The following year, I was all geared up for a repeat performance, albeit at a different venue, but our posh sod of a boss discreetly asked me to organise something mega-cheap, as he'd blown the profit my team had made on one of his crackpot ventures and things were going badly.

So I found out that one of the local pubs was doing a free buffet so long as you pre-ordered some booze. "Great!" I thought, we can put on a do with food, drink and entertainment for the price of a few beers. The tight toff was very happy.

However, apparently some people in the company weren't very pleased about it being a suped-up trip to the pub when they'd been given slap-up meals in previous years, and consequently they complained to the boss. A colleague overheard, and apparently he told them it was entirely MY idea to change the format, because I'd said it was a poor use of company money to treat the staff to a nice meal when all they ever want to do is get ratted!! LYING GIT!!

Some of the longer-serving nerds still believe him over me and hate me for it!

Apologies for length. I hate being misrepresented, so wanted to put it all in context.
(Mon 20th Dec 2004, 16:04, More)

» Crappy Prizes

Eat My Shorts
I grew up in a really sleepy market town in Buckinghamshire, and in an attempt to "give the kids something to do" during the Summer holidays, the local swimming pool used to stage "Beach Parties". There wasn't a grain of sand in sight, so I think "Pool Parties" would have been a more appropriate description, but I'm perhaps being a little pedantic... The atmosphere they TRIED to create was one of a Californian beach party.

Aaaaanywayyyyy, as part of the experience they used to hold various competitions... Mostly diving and swimming based, but with the odd wacky contest thrown in for good measure, to include the less sporty kids.

One particular evening, I watched every 1st prize winner emerge with an annual cinema pass, which I thought was a very cool prize, so was delighted when they announced that the next competition would be for sexiest boxer shorts. At 12 years old, I somehow seem to have obtained a pair of boxer shorts bearing images of cartoon couples having sex in lots of different positions, so I dropped my kecks for all to see. OK, they weren't sexy, but they were quite shocking, and for sheer novelty value alone I won first prize... "Yes! Free trips to the cinema for a whole year!" I thought. But what did I get???
The bloody 7" single of Aswad's 'Don't Turn Around'.

I went home after that.
(Thu 4th Aug 2005, 15:36, More)

» Pretentious bollocks

Stir Crazy
I once saw a "video art installation piece" that was just a close up of someone mixing cake mixture in a bowl.

The worst thing at the Tate Modern at the moment is that f*cking glass of water on a high shelf that the artist claims is actually an oak tree.

Both the length and girth evoke a startling post-modern paranoia with a woodberry compote of claustrophobia, creating a visceral experienced, referencing reinvention in a Berlin brothel.

Sorry, I have just disappeared up my own @rse.
(Fri 30th Sep 2005, 13:19, More)