» Karma

I work with a man who is utterly abhorrent.
He's an arrogant American chap who, at Christmas, rammed his version of festivity down the entire office's neck. This included lots of tinsel, a singing nativity set and an advent calendar that he guarded WITH HIS LIFE. So, one of the guys ate the largest chocolate (designated for Christmas Eve) and left this in its place.

I'm not sure it's strictly karma, but it was fucking awesome.
(Mon 25th Feb 2008, 14:11, More)

» Petty Sabotage

Chewits
a guy I used to work with had the annoying habit of "cheekily" nabbing a bit of food from me if I happened to be eating close by to him. He mainly did this with crisps, but also with sweets. To begin with I let it pass, but it turned to hate pretty quickly. On one occasion, he invited himself to a whole finger of Twix, and this caused me to snap I suppose. Although I wanted to tear his face off, I realised it might get me the sack. Instead I purchased a packet of Chewits on my way home, sat down in the kitchen that evening and very craftily sliced each Chewit in half, scooped the middle out and filled it with chilli powder. I melted each sweet back together slightly, so as to keep the chilli powder in, and then re-wrapped the lot. It took fucking ages. Was worth it though, the next day I left them on my desk and the greedy git scoffed the lot before realising something was wrong. That taught the bastard.
(Wed 4th May 2005, 14:39, More)

» When I met the parents

Mid-parental argument
I was but 17 and seeing a rather lovely, if slightly dull young man. After about 3ish weeks he invited me round for dinner, and I duly accepted the offer. So, sunday arrives and I turn up on the doorstep and ring the bell. No answer. Ring again. Still no answer. But I could hear vague shouting. 10 minutes later and the door is answered by a somewhat disgruntled looking boyfriend, "sorry, parents arguing," says he. So I finally get inside, say hello to his parents at which point his mother said this to me; "he's like his dad sweetheart, dump the useless fucker now, you'll be doing yourself a favour." That's how to make someone feel welcome.
(Thu 19th May 2005, 14:55, More)

» Now, there was no need for that...

Coincidence?
My uncle recently committed suicide (by hanging) and since then every attempt I've made to cheer my terribly bereaved mother up has been thwarted by sheer coincidental references to hanging. Firstly I suggested we have a game of hangman. Then I took her out to see a film, it was nice until we popped into this metal pub (she was a goth in the 80s so I thought she might like it) on Wardour Street where they have a cruicified sculpture with a noose around its neck. Nice! Our drinks were accompanied by the fabulous 'Pretty Noose' by Soundgarden, why I pointed this out to my mum I'm still unsure. Lastly, I bought her a copy of Fortean Times as she enjoys that sorta thing. The front cover displays a hanged woman. I should've just given up at hangman really.
(Thu 16th Jun 2005, 16:17, More)

» Putting the Fun in Funeral

At my uncle's funeral, a good two hundred people attended,
being that he was a popular man.

Much of the service was made up of his friends recalling various anecdotes of debauchery – all with some degree of hilarity. The priest didn't look entirely impressed.

Then came the journey to cemetery. How do you get two hundred people from a church to a cemetery? Double-decker buses.

Upon the burial, we discovered that the planks of wood surrounding the grave had been spaced too narrowly, so the coffin wouldn't fit. This lead to various shouts of, "JACK, YOU FAT BASTARD," which caused almost all of us to collapse in fits of laughter.

It was a good send-off.
(Thu 11th May 2006, 15:39, More)