» Performance

My best show ever..
I am a dancer.I have been on stage literally thousands of times.I have danced with Jennifer Lopez,Janet Jackson and a few other famous-esque people.But my best show ever was when I had to go and pay a visit to an elderly,almost dead relative in a hospice.My mother (bloody woman),piped up "OOOOOOHHHHHH,I bet they´d all love to see you dance".......Cue a red-faced Shirleytemplesarse doing a Justin Timberlake in a manky "Games Room" in front of a group of bemused,dribbling octogenarians with no music and accompanied by arhythmical clapping courtesy of Mother,and random squeaks and groans from my captive audience.

However,despite this not being the kind of thing you want people to see on youtube,I have never been more proud and moved by the reaction.The reason is,that after my little recital,my elderly relative boomed "NOW THAT´S DANCING,NOT THAT FUCKING JIGGING ABOUT THEY MAKE US DO IN HERE,FOR CHRIST´S SAKE"...and another old lady with no hair said she felt like she´d just seen an angel.

Mother burst into tears,bless.

Sorry it´s not funny,but I like it.So ner.
(Wed 24th Aug 2011, 16:59, More)

» The nicest thing someone's ever done for me

Parents.
I know that most people think their parents are either fabulous or utter bastards when they are 15.We´ve all been there and huffed when they tell us off,given them the silent treatment and general self-centred door-slamming bollocks because "they just wouldn´t understand".After all,no-one else in the world has EVER been what through you´re going through,especially your own parents.

I was precocious,only in the fact that I twigged I was gay very early on.To me it wasn´t really an issue(OK,i did write some terrible angsty poetry,but nonetheless).Long story short,I had made a new friend who was clearly gay,and this raised some eyebrows.Before I knew it,I guess I fell in love.With hindsight,it was reciprocated infatuation.Anyhoo we wrote to each other every day and the phone bill went up enormously.Until he wrote to say that we should spend less time together and he was scared of what he felt.(We were 15,after all.)

Cue Youngarse going into hiding.I was devastated,and could barely string together a sentence without bursting into tears.

After two weeks of this,my parents sat me down for a chat.They gave me a few beers and the ashtray to help.
The upshot is that,although we had never been a very "open" family we had a 4 hour talk about everything.My homosexuality was discussed,my friend was discussed....you get the picture.

My mother ended the conversation by saying that no matter what happened,I was her son.And nothing could be more important than that.She told me to walk tall,head high and be me.She explained that love comes to you when you least expect it and can literally change your world,(I´ll vouch for that).She said she would time to adjust to my "situation",but assured me that even if she was upset or quiet or irritable,she would be there.I found years later that she took time off work because she found it hard to cope,joined a "parents of gay children" group to try and help me andeven had words with my headmaster (all boys school,you see.....)

So really,Mum,this one´s for you.You probably have no idea that the reason I´m sane and happy is because you were there.

I think the nicest thing you can do for anyone is love them,and have a little space in your heart for them.I try to do that,but then again I had a great teacher.

Apologies for lack of laughs-I´ll try harder next time.
(Wed 8th Oct 2008, 16:23, More)

» Desperate Times

Coal Scutter..............
I used to stay at my Grandmother´s house for a few weeks during summer,and of course being in my teens,needed to fwap it on a regular basis (ah,those were the days...............)Granny didn´t have much hardcore porn in her house (surprised?)so I used to wait until she threw out the "newspaper" into the garage to look for rudey pictures.
Being of the pink persuasion,"Emma" from "Stoke" and her 36C jugs didn´t really do anything for me,so I religiously searched for the "Page 7 Fella" (often ugly but nonetheless muscly bloke in speedos).Sadly they didn´t print one every day so i would wait until she was in bed,Sneak down to the garage,shuffle through HUNDREDS of copies of the paper,arrange my dastardly treasure in a semi circle and spaff into the coal scuttle.
It was only when she mentioned the she thought birds were getting into the garage and shitting in the coal that I stopped,and happily found out that quite a lot of 16/17 year old boys in the area were .........ahem,.....curious,and I could get blowjobs off most of them no questions asked.

Desperation often precedes revelation,my friends...
(Thu 15th Nov 2007, 18:35, More)

» Too much information

Grandad´s manky willy
Wasn´t there personally,but apparently t´was one of the defining moments of my younger brother´s life.
Picture my parents and brother begrudgingly sitting through the twice annual luncheon with my Granfather(RIP)and his rather batty wife.
To be fair,she had had a brain tumour removed years ago,and was on the wrong side of sane-we loved the stories her friends would tell us about how she ran into shops and collapsed or dropped her skirt etc.....
ANYHOO...during this ill fated dinner,my Grandfather needs to go to the men´s room,and while he´s away his wife pipes up(in a very loud voice).....
"JOHN REALLY OUGHT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR,YOU KNOW.HE HAS A DISGUSTING GREEN DISCHARGE LEAKING FROM HIS PENIS.IT SMELLS VILE".
Cue choking and stares from across the crowded restaurant and spontaneous embarrassment combustion from my nearest and dearest...
He returned from the toilet and when he sat down he asked why everyone was looking at them.Poor bugger.
FIrst post and obligatory length remark.At least mine doesn´t leak goo.....
(Mon 10th Sep 2007, 18:38, More)

» Pointless Experiments

Pant jumping.
Sadly not my own work,but nonetheless,pretty stupid and indeed foolhardy.

My mother told me one day (over a dry Martini),that it was a wonder I was ever born....

WHY???Mother....????

Apparently my father used to be a bit of a show-off,doing wheelies on his scooter,drinking lots etc....and so she regaled with their first ever "post-shag" story.

To impress her the morning after his heroic enterprise,he decided to hold his boxer shorts out in front of him and jump into them.

And failed.Spectacularly.

He missed both legs and split his head open on the bedside table.

Mother says she knows I wasn´t conceived then because the fit of laughter basically forced all his top-hatted swimmers out of her.Thankfully she gave him another chance.

She says that she knew he´d be a great father,there and then.33 years later and I absolutely agree with her.

Mind you ,he is a bit of a fuckwit and the fruit didn´t fall far from the tree...

Length??He got a second chance,so who cares......
(Thu 24th Jul 2008, 18:14, More)