» Voyeurism

Once upon a time in a city in Engerlaaand
I got hideously drunk dressed as a Scout. I managed to lose all my mates (who were all dressed as boy Scouts and Brownies), and stumbled around looking for people. My memory of the evening kicks in at about the point where I was slouched in a doorway, 'pleasuring' a girl with my hand down her knickers, slobbering into each others mouths when a riot van with 6+ coppers in pulls up, the passenger window goes down and the friendly copper in the passenger seat says "Steady on Sam, you don't know where he's been." Que the blue lights, siren, much laughing and the riot van speeds away. Poor old Sam the Policewoman has been caught by her co-workers being fingered by a 22 year old drunk man dressed as a Scout.
(Fri 12th Oct 2007, 8:06, More)

» Heckles

Sorry another one so soon..
Back at Reading 2000, Daphne and Celeste announced that they were going to play on the main stage. The organisers knew nothing of this, but as a laugh, gave them a 30 minute slot between Blink 182 and somebody else.

More people came to see Daphne and Celeste than Blink 182 (who weren't great), to do one thing - throw stuff at them. They were on stage for approximately 3 minutes, where they were subjected to heckling and bottles of piss being thrown at them. They ran off crying, soaked head to foot in other peoples urine.

Later on at the signings tent, a crowd (including myself) had gathered to see if Daphne and Celeste would dare to come out into the open again. When the security guards noticed a distinct lack of teeny-boppers and instead a large number of sweaty, black t-shirt clad bottle weilding rockers, they announced that they wouldn't be coming out to sign anything. Many disheartened souls started to walk off, but for some unknown reason in my drunken haze I started to chant 'DAPHNE AND CELESTE!' over and over again, until everyone in the crowd joined in. 5 minutes later Daphne and Celeste stroll out to the signing desk all cleaned up wearing lip gloss, only to be faced moments late by a hail of piss filled bottles and mud.

Oh the beauty of that moment will remain with me always.
(Thu 6th Apr 2006, 23:54, More)

» Heckles

I'm never brave enough...
...to heckle, but the best I ever heard consisted of just one word.

I went to see '28 Days Later' the day it came out in a cinema in Cambridge. We watched the introduction, all giggled when it mentioned that the psycho monkeys were unleashed in a lab in Cambridge, and then came the long, top down, drawn out shot of the naked man lying on a hospital bed. I felt uncomfortable, like any man would, looking at another fella's todger, and there was an uneasy silence throughout the cinema until someone shouted...
"COCK!"
Que much sniggering... It wasn't that funny, but I did have to bite my tongue to silence myself.
(Thu 6th Apr 2006, 23:21, More)

» Stupid Dares

Smoking CAKE.
Once upon a time at a party having watched the Brasseye episode of 'Cake' (the spoof yellow drug), the drunken conversation was struck up of how to illicitly take genuine Mr Kipling style cake. Injection was ruled out, eating it was considered far too normal... Que myself and a certain chum rolling crumbled up dry birthday cake into a spliff with people betting up to ten pounds that we wouldn't be able to smoke it. 15 minutes of hacking, spitting, coughing, and dry sicking later, we returned teary eyed and red faced to the room having smoked the lot, and having inflicted massive damage to our lungs. We raised a cheer, got horrendously drunk and promptly forgot to claim the money. What a pair of numpties.
(Thu 1st Nov 2007, 16:20, More)

» I met a weirdo on the interweb

Not me personally but I did get to meet it.
A couple of years back my mate Jay invited someone who he'd met on the internet to come out drinking with a group of us on Haloween. We made the usual jokes about the fact that she'd probably be a complete weirdo, but he vouched for her, saying he'd been talking to her for years. Anyway she came out to the local rock club where everyone was dressed up as Zombies, corpses, doctors etc and she attempted to chat up anything with a pulse, man, woman, werewolf etc...
By the end of the night she had thoroughly embarressed herself and pissed off nearly everyone there. However when we got back home, Jay refused to let her stay in his room and she ended up sharing the spare bedroom with me. She got the bed, I got the floor. I tried to avoid talking to her, but she had to drunkenly waffle on about her numerous sexual conquests and how everyone who went out the night was an absolute bitch/bastard... Fortunately I managed to get through the night without being raped by the said monster, and I was a little bit annoyed with Jay the following morning for him abandoning her to us. But then he explained why. Earlier in the night she had a drunken heart to heart with Jay where she had openly admitted to regularly licking out her little sister. All I can say is that the event took place in Lincolshire - Enough said.
(Mon 20th Mar 2006, 16:07, More)