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Profile for dieselmonkey:
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Dieselmonkey is sponsored by Fender, Marshal Amplifiers, Guinness, Land Rover, and the Izhmash Small Arms Works, Izhevsk, Russia.

** Dieselmonkey uses and endorses heroin **

Recent front page messages:

i'm not racist!
please don't crash a plane into my house

honest i'm not. i just find religious lunatics of any persuasion annoying...
(Mon 6th Feb 2006, 15:47, More)

Best answers to questions:

» Vandalism

When i was very much younger...
About 14 or so, back in the mid-80's, and at school in a small town, we used to do the usual routine of hanging around in the evenings and getting drunk on cheap cider and thunderbirds in a graveyard. To liven weekends up, we used to have an informal competition on fridays, where we all chucked a quid or so into a pot, and the person who stole the 'best' thing and bought it back to the graveyard just before the offy shut got to spend it all on booze.

It started off relatively innocently enough, with garden gnomes, traffic cones and the odd roadsign etc, with the stuff usually even getting put back at the end of the night, until it got out of hand.

One evening, i came back (with something like a sack of spuds in a wheelbarrow, or something equally pointless like that) to find that someone had stolen an entire, freshly laid turf lawn from some poor sod's garden, and re-laid it neatly on the car park that backed onto our meeting place, complete with table, chairs and an umbrella. That made me take it up a notch.

The final straw, after which we had to call it off, was when i was prowling a building site, looking for something interesting, and noted that some dozy prat of a builder had left the keys still in a lovely, bright yellow JCB. Seeing a golden opportunity to win a bottle of cheap vodka, i decided that'd be good for a win, started it up and swiftly learned to drive it. Badly. Very badly as it turned out, even for a 14 year old, JCB's are bloody complicated things to drive.

After driving it through through the fence, and onto a road, i got it all the way to the car park, trailing bits of chainlink fence, before not managing to stop it in time, and embedding three feet into the graveyard wall. After that, we had to start meeting somewhere else, as that car park had a police car sat in it for weeks afterwards...

I won the vodka though, and for years afterwards, was known as 'the guy that nicked the JCB'.
(Fri 8th Oct 2010, 15:52, More)

» The Worst Journey in the World

driving to london down the M1.
in a battered old beige metro, when i start to slowly overtake a wooden framed morris traveller driven by a pensioner with i presumed his wife in the passenger seat, doing about 45mph.

Not having much more power and going up a long hill, this takes some time, and as i'm just about level with them, something in their drivechain siezes solid and their car stops literally dead in the slow lane. Unfortunately the lorry tailgating them doesnt, and goes practically through the car, crushing it to matchwood, inches away from my car, showering it in bits of debris.

I pull over, and have to hang around for the next few hours while the Fire Brigade retrieve the bodies, the Police take statements and I'm treated for shock.

Fortunately, the Fire Brigade hosed down the side of my car to remove the bits of pensioner adhered to it...

Yeah, that was a shit journey, but not as shit as theirs...
(Fri 8th Sep 2006, 12:48, More)

» Have you ever paid for sex?

No, and this is really quite shocking...
the amount of you lot that have! i thought paying for sex was the seedy resort of the middle aged singleton...

ah, that explains it.

Closest i ever got was walking home pissed at 3am past a 'lady of the night' who asked me, 'looking for anything tonight, sir?' i laughed and said 'no ta', and then asked her if she wanted a chip.

Turns out she did.
(Thu 19th Jan 2006, 16:23, More)

» What's the most horrific thing you've seen?

a couple of things...
firstly a repost of my 'worst journey' post:

Driving to london down the M1, in a battered old beige metro, when i start to slowly overtake a wooden framed morris traveller driven by a pensioner, with i presumed his wife in the passenger seat, doing about 45mph.

Not having much more power and going up a long hill, this takes some time, and as i'm just about level with them, something in their drivechain siezes solid and their car stops literally dead in the slow lane. Unfortunately the lorry tailgating them doesnt, and goes practically through the car, crushing it to matchwood, inches away from my car, showering it in bits of debris.

I pull over, and have to hang around for the next few hours while the Fire Brigade retrieve the bodies, the Police take statements and I'm treated for shock.

The truly horrific part was the state of my car, which, before the Fire Brigade hosed it down, was covered in bits of wood and pensioner...

and secondly, seeing the body of my girlfriend at the time, after i woke from the drug-induced coma that she didn't. Somewhat harsh being a 16 year old, I thought.
(Fri 22nd Jun 2007, 16:01, More)

» Going Too Far

School erm, experiences.
best days of your life? bollocks. I utterly detested school, and spent most of it avoiding people, occasionally skipping it and spending the latter years experimenting with alcohol, weed and solvents. I rarely got any hassle, except on two really notable occasions.

The first time, someone took a dislike to me, and so i got the usual pushing around, threatened with being beaten up etc etc, that went on for a few days, usually on the way home from school and started getting worse. I decided to resolve this one way or other, and went for a rummage in my dad's garage, finding an 18" long inch diameter metal pipe that conveniently fitted into my army-style school kitbag.

The next day, the trouble was just as bad, highlighting in this twat spitting at me during lunch, covering me in his drool. At that point i decided enough was enough. On the way home, where he met up with me to continue his tirade of abuse for no apparent reason, i swung the aforementioned kitbag (complete with pipe) round on it's strap, catching the guy unawares and full pelt on the back of his head. He dropped, face first like a stone, totally unconscious, leaving me stood next to him, surrounded by a group of instantly silent and shocked looking 14 year olds looking at me. For good measure i gave him a kick or two in the ribs, then walked off.

That got him a fractured vertebrae and a neck brace, and several lost teeth from when the ground came up to hit him, and me a weeks suspension, but also got me a reputation as a nutter not to be bothered, which was great.

The other time i got any hassle, it involved explosives, so i'd probably better not say too much...
(Thu 16th Nov 2006, 16:51, More)
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