» Foot in Mouth Syndrome II

I almost got away with it.
I was chatting to the female half of a nice young professional couple who had just moved in next door. She had taken in a parcel for me and I was reclaiming it, trying to act like a normal person - chit chat and not being a complete tit, that sort of thing. I was apologising in advance for the amount of noise that our two kids make, trying to make it sound like I was joking, before the subject moved on to jobs. Her partner was a surgeon and she worked at Great Ormand Street Hospital. "Oh right", I trilled, "so you'll be used to the sound of crying children."
(Fri 17th Aug 2012, 21:00, More)

» Encounters with politicians

I wiped cat poo on a politician
We have three cats, one of which is a horrible great ginger sod who shits in our garden, on the grass, and makes no attempt to bury it. If I want the kids to play in the garden I have to go out with a roll of plastic bags and pick up all the turds. One of my sons' friends is over, and I was clearing the garden so they could play. Most of the shit went in the bags, but I got some on my hands. It really stank; my wife keeps feeding him cheese which gives him the squirts. Gagging a bit, I finished up and went to wash my hands. Just before I got to the sink the door bell went, so I diverted to the front door, making sure I didn't touch anything. My younger son opened it for me so I wouldn't get any poo on the handle. Standing there was the Liberal Democrat candidate for my area.

My wife is really getting into this election malarky, developing an interest in the process and candidates' policies. Interestingly, it seems there is a (very) remote chance that the Liberal Democrats might oust the Tories here. She did a tweet that she hadn't got a leaflet from the LDs and one of the LD people tweeted back that if she'd like to help deliver leaflets then they would be most grateful. She agreed, so there was the Liberal Democrat candidate on my doorstep with a bag full of leaflets. Hello he said and thrust his hand towards me. I hesitated a second, torn between not sounding like a lunatic or "sorry, I can't shake hands I'm covered in cat shit". In the end I thought "fuck it" and gave him a firm turdy handshake. Sorry Mr. Liberal Democrat candidate. You seem like a nice bloke.
(Thu 7th May 2015, 14:17, More)

» The Best / Worst thing I've ever eaten

Pot Noodle Sandwich
Curry flavour Pot Noodle sandwich. Simultaneously the best and the worst thing I've ever eaten.
(Fri 27th May 2011, 19:42, More)