» Horrible things I've done to a loved one

My worst/best easter
My then girlfriend and I had not long bought our first house. We were both earning but not great amounts so times were hard and we didn't have a lot of spare money. It was coming up to easter and we'd agreed that since neither of us really gave a shit we wouldn't bother with easter eggs. Nice and simple, we didn't need to go spending money we didn't have and neither of us would be disappointed on easter morning.

So, along comes easter sunday. I get up and head to the bathroom for a piss. I come back to the bedroom and there's my wife, sat up in bed holding a present out to me. 'Happy easter!' she says. Sounds lovely, but I've got her nothing, just as we'd agreed, and she'd spent money, even though we'd agreed not to. 'FFS' says I, 'well pass it here then'.

I took the parcel, sat on the bed and started to unwrap it. Little silvery confetti-type stars started to fall out of it, all over the bed and the floor. This didn't help my mood as I knew who'd get the honor of picking them all up off the carpet. I look at the missus and she's just grinning. I pull the rest if the wrapper off and turn the box round to see my gift.

It's a chocolate easter egg in the shape of a sports car. It has the words 'Will You Marry Me?' in a lovely icing script on the windscreen. I take one look at it and relax, she's obviously got it at a bargain knock down price because someone had it done and then changed their mind. I told her of my relief that she'd saved a bit of cash with a second hand egg and shuffled off to put the kettle on. As I was leaving the room she just said 'I asked them to write it...'

Have you ever felt completely incredible and utterly wretched at the same time? Yeah, it's strange.

For a while I'd been thinking of how to propose to her. Id' bottled it as I was so worried she'd say no. She was and will always be the most beautiful person I've ever met and my closest friend. I was so scared of asking her to marry me as I felt it would somehow break the spell and I'd lose her.

This Angel who had let me share her life for a few years was now taking the bold step of asking me to be with her forever. Committing to our love and wanting to be with me. It was all of my dreams come true.

And my response was to call her a cheapskate and offer her a cuppa :o)

To this day that moment still haunts me. She found it in her heart to forgive me and we've been married nearly five years now. Please click if you can find it in your heart to forgive me too. I promise you I have never been so sorry in all my life!
(Mon 20th Jun 2011, 20:32, More)

» Cars

No funnies I'm afraid,
but I hope this will make life easier for someone sometime.

A few years ago I was driving home down the A5 near Coventry and Rugby. It's a busy road that alternates between dual and single carriageway (it's single carriageway at this point). It's commuter time and it's busy. A massive line of cars, but we're all moving, albeit plodding along at about 50. There's a lorry infront of me and just a line of cars behind. Everyone's just trying to get to work.

All of a sudden there's a sickening crunch/bang. The lorry infront of me swerves violently to the right into a gap in the oncoming traffic, it's rear tyres on the trailer locked, screaming and smoking and I'm now heading straight for a stationary lorry which was infront of the one that swerved. I'm sensible in queues like this so had time to stop.

There's been a crash. I'm already out of my car and running to see if I can help, I'm first aid trained and that's all that's in my mind. The lorry which swerved has now stopped awrkwardly across the road but I'm ignoring that.

I was behind three lorries. The first one had stopped, suddenly. The second hadn't noticed and just drove straight into the back of the first. The third swerved out the way and is blocking oncoming traffic. I'm stood in the middle of the road now, looking at the crash which happened somewhere around 20 seconds ago.

I see the cab, squashed. I see oil and glass. I can smell diesel, the road is covered in it. I see blood. Blood dripping from the cab, out from under the door. The driver in the crushed cab is slumped over the wheel. Blood is pouring from his head and covering him.

I look back to my car and I see the most horrific thing I think I've ever seen. I see just my car. It's still running and the driver's door is open, I literally just jumped out and ran to help. And I see a queue of traffic. That's it. I see a queue of traffic as far back as I can see the road. I see people. Lots of people, all just sitting in their cars and I freeze. There's very little sound. The cars are all stopped and the crash happened probably 40 seconds ago.

I'm the only person who thought to help. I'm now stood in the middle of the road watching a man die and I'm the only one who cares. I'm still frozen. I look back to the injured man and I'm trying to think, trying to do the right thing. All sorts of things are running through my head. I'm looking for hazards, am I going to make myself a victim? I'm trying to figure out what to do, I'm tryng to think. Should I go and get my first aid kit or should I be trying to get him out of the cab? My head is full but I can't think straight.

I'm the only one and all of a sudden the pressure is all on me. And I can't think straight and I don't know what to do.

This time when I look back up the road I see a man running toward me. He was maybe 25 cars back in the queue and he's running to help, running past all the other people who are just annoyed by the delay. The spell breaks and I get my phone out. Dead. I run to the car behind mine. There's a young lady in a suit who winds her window down. I tell her to phone for an ambulance, that there's a man trapped, alive but bleeding badly. She says her phone is out of credit and I reminder her that she can still call 999 and she does.

The man running to help is here now and together we get my first aid kit and go to the truck. As it happens there's very little we can do. The door is crushed shut and we can only reach through the window. We clean up some blood from his face and he starts to come round. He's semi conscious now and breathing heavily and trying to scream. I'll never forget that.

But we're functioning. We get the medics on the phone and we're told the air ambulance is on it's way. I'm on an adrenaline high and shaking but we're doing the right thing and helping. The air ambulance arrives and everything is OK now. They get the guy out the cab. He's fully conscious now and actually hobbles to the helicopter and is taken to hospital. He survives, unlike his truck which is almost unrecognizable.

The police turn up in a bit and we give statements. This takes a little while and then we're on our way. I worked with my family at the time and had called quickly to tell them I'd be late. When I get to work I'm all ready to give this big story of drama and heroics but as soon as I see my mother I break down. The adrenaline has gone and I've got nothing left.

It was a horrible crash but the worst thing was that I was the only one who tried to help. Until the other guy came running from his car right up the queue to help I was the only one who cared. All the pressure was on my shoulders and I froze.

So, how am I hoping this will make someone's life easier? Simple. If you see something where you could help, for fuck's sake help. Even if someone is already there and you don't know first aid or whatever you wouldn't believe the difference it makes knowing you're not the only one and the pressure isn't all on you. I don't know what I would have done if the other guy hadn't come to help.

Sorry for the lack of funnies. I cried a lot writing that because if what could have been. It still haunts me that so many people could just ignore another person like that. No words can describe the sheer emptiness I felt when I realised no-one else cared.

I hope you b3tards are better people than the commuters on the A5 that day. Please just do the right thing and help.

I'll be back in a bit to check for spelling and grammar etc, not feeling up to it at the moment so I apologise for any smelling pistakes.
(Tue 27th Apr 2010, 19:21, More)

» The Best / Worst thing I've ever eaten

On my honeymoon...
When I married the current Mrs. Dog we already owned a house together and had lived there for a couple of years. Hence we had everything we needed for the home. So, for wedding presents we just asked for contributions toward our honeymoon. This meant we could afford an awesome holiday.

We went to Kenya on safari and I can't recommend the country - or safari holidays anywhere in fact - enough.

We got to Nairobi in the early morning and were taken to our hotel. we were only stopping in Nairobi for one night, then moving on to the game reserves. After we'd settled in a little and had some awesome Kenyan coffee to wake us up they asked if any of us fancied booking dinner at the Safari Park Hotel just out of town. We didn't know anything about the place and were knackered after the overnight flight (no time difference, just I don't sleep well on planes). A few of the other people on our tour expressed an interest, and we'd been getting on well so thought we'd give it a go.

The drive there - across Nairobi at night - was awesome, exciting and terrifying all at the same time. They use the same highway code as India! Once we got there our group was shown to it's table near the stage and we ordered a round of Tusker, Kenyan beer and very good. The place started to fill up and the atmosphere was warm and friendly. Then the waiters came out and explained how the meal worked. Basically you got a baked potato and a bowl of salad in the middle of the table and the meat was bought round by the servers. We just had to call a server over and he'd get us some more meat.

When the potatoes came out they were small. Kenya is still very much a third world country and we assumed that this was the best they could get. Then the stage show started, which was a local dance troupe. Superb tumbling routines mixed with traditional dance and song. It was fantastic, but the main even was the meat.

We had a choice of buffalo, goat, mutton, crocodile, ostrich, camel or boar. It was cooked over a BBQ pit using swords as skewers through huge lumps of meat. The servers would go round with a sword of meat in one hand and a machete in the other! Your plate was a slab of slate, and they'd serve you by standing behind you, putting the sword over your left shoulder to the point rested on your plate and then reaching over your right shoulder with the machete to chop chunks of meat off onto your plate.

The meat was brilliantly cooked, with the crocodile, ostrich and goat being my favorites. We soon learned that the reason the spuds were small was so you didn't waste space on anything that wasn't meat. There was so much of it, and a seemingly endless supply of cold Tusker. The company was great, it was my first evening in Africa and it was a sensationally good meal. The night ended with me sharing some nice whiskey with our waiter who took some time to join us and welcome us to Kenya.

Everything about it was superb. The setting can make so much difference to a meal, and that was one of two meals I'd love to be able to re-do. The second was on our second to last day in Kenya. We were in the Masai Mara and got up early for a sunrise balloon ride. This was great, with hippos, lions, elephants and jackals all making a showing on the plains. We landed next to a tree (it was surprising how much control the pilots had over where we went) and had a champagne breakfast watching the sun rise over the African savanna. The guides cooked us breakfast on a gas stove and while I may have eaten better food, I've never had a better meal.
(Fri 27th May 2011, 15:12, More)

» How clean is your house?

There are two kinds of people in the world...
Those that wash up before they have a meal, and those who wash up after. I fall unfortunately into the former category.
(Mon 29th Mar 2010, 14:03, More)

» Family codes and rituals

Two apples...
..and a banana. It's a guarantee that if left in a room with a fruit bowl in it, and there are two apples and a banana a member of my family will magically arrange the fruit to look like your fruit and veg.

I'm pretty sure this started with my mother (she's turning into a sort of modern day Nanny Ogg) and that tells you about all you need to know about our family!
(Sat 22nd Nov 2008, 11:41, More)