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» Family codes and rituals

Two apples...
..and a banana. It's a guarantee that if left in a room with a fruit bowl in it, and there are two apples and a banana a member of my family will magically arrange the fruit to look like your fruit and veg.

I'm pretty sure this started with my mother (she's turning into a sort of modern day Nanny Ogg) and that tells you about all you need to know about our family!
(Sat 22nd Nov 2008, 11:41, More)

» Beautiful but Bonkers

Not me,
but a friend of mine. He seems to have a knack of finding them. They're all good lookers, but all a bit bonkers (although they'd probably have to be to be with him!).

Funniest bonkers moment would have to be when we were all out in the pub, just having some beers on a friday after work. At this time, I was due to get married in about three months time or so and she asked me what we were doing for a stag night.

"We're having a stag weekend, not a stag night" says I.

"Where are you going then?" she asks.

"We going to Amsterdam and I'm gonna get me a hooker" says I.

A look of horror spread slowly accross her face.

"You're not serious are you" she asked, shocked.

"Of course I am" says I, winking at my mate, her fella.

She turns to her bloke and tells him in no uncertain terms that he is not coming with me.

"If you went to Amsterdam with him you'd wake up in the morning with some dirty tart next to you!" she shouts as he tries to pursuade her he should go.

"Oh, come on" says he " I'm more of a man than that!"

She starts to calm down until he follows with:

"I'd wake up with two!"

God bless him, everyone laughed. It was a funny line and he delivered it well. The whole conversation was obviously a joke from the start but she didn't seem to understand. She was convinced we were serious and warned me she'd tell my fiance what I'd been saying.* Que tears and toilet for at least half an hour while we all stand around trying to figure out what just happened. I thought it was hilarious, but there's only so much madness you can take and she had to go.

* The missus got used to the Amsterdam and hooker stag do joke and used to play along. She knows what I;'m like and has a sense of humour too.

On the tit size question, any more than a handful is a waste. My wife used to be a gymnast and has a very thin, taught, toned, firm, flexible figure with smallish breasts* which are pert and soft. This is how I like them.

* It was at this point that I came in my left hand while typing with my right. I do hope this adds a new dimension to what you have just read. I feel dirty, but that's not necessarily a bad thing...
(Thu 23rd Nov 2006, 15:30, More)

» Stupid Tourists

To all the proud English out there...
It's fairly obvious that the yanks are top of the list when it comes to being the stupid tourist. However, we brits have a secret weapon: Prince Philip.

en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Prince_Philip,_Duke_of_Edinburgh
(Sat 9th Jul 2005, 0:36, More)

» Sexual fetishes

My Brother



reads this, so I'm saying nothing...
(Thu 22nd Oct 2009, 22:41, More)

» Common

What vs. Pardon.
Definitely What = Common.

What is short for "what did you say?"

Pardon is short for "I beg your pardon, I didn't hear you"

Which of these extended phrases do you think you'd be more likely to hear a chav saying?
(Wed 22nd Oct 2008, 18:15, More)
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