» Conversation Killers

TomTom
A couple of years ago, I was at a mate's funeral. It wasn't a happy occasion; he'd hit a tree, and because he was divorced and his firm kept no records of his ex or kids, they hadn't got to his bedside while he was still conscious.

So far, so bummer.

But: someone had brought his satnav in, as Grimsby Crem is noted for scrotes doing cars during services. Just before his son got up to the reading, a disembodied voice said "You have reached your destination".
Dead silence, followed by muffled snorts from half the congregation.
(Thu 12th May 2011, 20:37, More)

» Flirting

Truckstop Brief Encounter
Couple of months back I pulled into a services on the A1 for my 45 minute tacho break. I set the alarm on my phone and went for a coffee.
As there was no one else about, I hung around near the cashier to keep her company in a non-stalkery fashion (these services get the odd grab and run by the scrotes).

We chatted. We chatted some more. She told me a few things. I returned the courtesy. I bought her a coffee. She told me she finished in 10 minutes, and could I walk to her car. Nothing if not a gentleman...and when we got there, she raised an eyebrow.

And the countdown timer went off.

Me "You know I'd love to, but: I've got 23 tonnes of peas in the back, and my wedding ring is getting hot. So is yours, I'll bet."

Her "First time in 17 years I forgot it was there. Shake my hand, once, and don't look round as you go."

Triumph? Disaster? I'll never know. I'll never go back there either.
(Thu 18th Feb 2010, 22:40, More)

» Shops and Supermarkets

In the back
I've delivered to many supermarkets and the back door staff usually contain the same two guys, Brian and Darren. They don't work the floor for reasons that will become clear.

Brian is a big lad, very strong very tall and very very slow. But he wouldn't hurt a fly.

Darren is the opposite. Scrawny, foulmouthed, he lives to bark orders at Brian and act the cunt.

On one glorious day, I saw a Brian retaliate. Darren was snarling his usual filth "get a move on you fat useless bastard" and so forth.

Then, as Brian wasn't getting any quicker (Brians have only one speed in case they lose count of their feet) he shouted "you'd move quicker if yer mum wanted fucking".

Brian picked him up and shoved him into the refuse chute headfirst. Darren now had a problem: the chute had a one-way flap,and the skip at the bottom had no other exit.

I told Brian's disciplinary hearing quite a lot of lies, and he kept his job.
(Wed 16th May 2012, 18:38, More)

» Being told off as an adult

Tailgating
I was driving down the M11 very early one morning in my artic, far too close to the artic in front. I was tired, but it isn't an excuse.
Anyhoo, Plod lit me up and pulled me over. Instant acknowledgement of crime and fervent grovelling. He grunted, and then said this:

"Do you carry a picture of a loved one on you, sir?"

"Er, yeah"

"May I see it please?"

Hoick out piccie of LittleScars, who was about 3 then.

"Try and imagine the look on her face when she hears her daddy isn't coming home. Drive safely , Sir".

Size? I could 'ave crept down a mousehole.
(Mon 24th Sep 2007, 16:45, More)

» Spoilt Brats

Not spoilt any more, oh no!
Our child is now the nicest person you could hope to meet, but 7 years ago it was VERY different.

Ever wondered why spoilt brats get like that? I'll tell you. Have kid late after years of trying, then Dad proceeds not to rock the boat while Mum is spoiling child because he likes living under a roof, then let it all get really out of hand by working insane hours to keep up with demands for unnecessary crap.

It all came to a head on a holiday abroad. After Mum spent 2 HOURS to get child out of bed, offering her food from a kneeling position, having it spat back at her, I'd had enough.

"I'm going for a shave. When I get back, she will be up, dressed, and eating at the table. You will not help her. You will instruct her. I married a woman, not a slave to a fucking little bitch. Yes, LittleScars, I mean you. (Howls) If it doesn't happen, I will cycle to the nearest station, get to Paris, take the Eurostar home, and the first one there changes the locks. Ten minutes, starting now."

I've been scared before and since, but never like that. Still, I got back, LittleScars was eating nicely, MrsScars was pale but calm, I nodded at both of them and we started our new life.
(Thu 9th Oct 2008, 21:45, More)