» Airport Stories

hmm
Couple of years back I had a run in with those mr big bollocks security guards.

I like to play a bit of tennis when im abroad usually with my sister so I packed our raquets in a suitcase and decided to put 2 balls in my handluggage as usually the pressure at high altitude fucks em up lots so its better to keep em in the cabin.

So right I get to the airport fine and I shove my bag on the x-ray machine and go through the scanner with no beeps, so imagine my surprise when one of the guards calls me over.

"Hi sir, did you pack this bag yourself"

"yes, why?"

"well it appears you have some items that could be considered dangerous on a plane, could you please empty your bag?"

so I did, and he pointed to the tennis balls and a bit of string.

"You see those, well you cant bring them onto the aircraft?"

"Why mate, you cant stab anyone with a tennis ball"

"No but you could put that bit of string into the tennis ball and swing it over your head as a weapon"

"you are having a laugh right?"

"no sorry sir we will have to confiscate these"
----

What kind of fucking terrorist takes over planes with a ball and string? I'm surprised they didnt ask me to chop off my fingers as I could use them to poke out the cabin crews eyes and swear at them.

Apologies for length, put a tennis ball with it though and it could be dangerous.
(Sun 5th Mar 2006, 16:19, More)

» Losing Your Virginity


I lost my virginity to your mum, in your bed.

She loved the girth and length.

/Me gets coat and goes to fuck your mum again
(Fri 4th Mar 2005, 0:55, More)

» I met a weirdo on the interweb

Oh and
Anyone who has the word "Sexy" in their online handle probably has a face that makes my penis cry.

Toodles, Baz -x-
(Sun 19th Mar 2006, 14:31, More)

» I was drunk when I bought this

Drunken Purchase Ended Up Costing Me £100 More
Right, a year back I went to the fabulous bournemouth and had a massive binging lads weekend, saturday night our final night on the lash before we went home on the megabus on sunday I decided to go all out.

And when I say all out, I mean all out. 13 Pints of Lager and what must have been 16 shots of crap vodka mix things and as I only weigh 11 Stone needless to say I was fucking ill, I proceeded to walk back to our dump of an apartment on my own, sloshed out of my box and pass out behind the sofa.

When I wake up at 3am, ive gone from "nearly dead drunk" stage to just "rat-assed pissed". So me and my mate neck some absynth and decide it would be an excellent time to visit the local kebab man. Naked.

So we run down the road with our clothes in our bags and run into the kebabsy we purchase a mixed donner and to bide the time we do some star jumps to the amusement of everyone assembled in the shop the kebab bloke in a lovely accent of his finds it all funny, my mate decides that being bored of waiting for a kebab he had paid £7 for so he throws a football at the kebab blokes head and you just hear the biggest clatter and dirty kebab flying all over the shop, awesome. So we run for out lives out of the shop and a police van pulls up, they get out and chase us. At that stage I was quite fit so I could run miles, but then the dogs came out and started chasing me and not wanting my bollocks bitten off I decided to give it up while my mate runs and gets taken down in spectacular fashion by a hungry dog. Yum.

So me and my mate ended up paying £107 for a kebab we never ate + fines and ended up with a nice assault and criminal damage on our record.

Oh well gets wiped in 5 months, we were only 16 at the time.

Length & Girth, Your Mum Fucking Loves It The Slag
(Mon 13th Jun 2005, 19:08, More)

» I met a weirdo on the interweb

All I can say is :
General rule of thumb for meeting people on teh interweb.

1) Get Picture
2) Add 10 Years
3) Add 10 Stone
4) Add Cellulite
5) Add a smidgen of annoying facial hair on women.
6) Add oddball personality.
7) Add obsession with something really odd eg. Barry Manilow Anal Fetish Nights
8) Expect everything they say to be a glorified lie (Bob : Yeah I work as a manager for Microsoft when in fact he wipes dogs asses for 10p an hour)

Then pretty much you will have a good idea of how good they are going to be (usually have a screw lose or a paedo/serial killer)

Toodles, Baz -x-
(Sun 19th Mar 2006, 14:30, More)