» Strict Parents

Not me but...
In my youth I was good friends with a lad who had quite old parents, who were often quite strict or a bit odd about things.

Anyway, one time I was around his house playing Mortal Kombat II or whatever we'd recently been addicted to, and he was called downstairs for his dinner. He made a big point of telling me not to come downstairs whilst he was eating or his parents would get mad.

After a while curiosity got the better of me and using my best 12 year old stealth skills I poked my head at just the right angle to spy him eating his dinner... to discover that he was sat awkwardly in a rather small baby chair - the sort with the fixed tray or whatever.

Now, I'd always noticed this was in his living room, but he'd always swore he never used it and his parents just kept it for some nostalgic reason or something.

The scary truth was out! Though he completely denied it when I revealed this discovery to others as revenge for some playground mockery.

We drifted apart as we got older, I was a geek and he was all about football, not the best social mix at school. The last I heard he'd got quite fat and is now a gay.

Length? Just big enough to squeeze into something child-sized I guess.
(Sun 11th Mar 2007, 21:17, More)

» Best Graffiti Ever

Well
A few years ago I was taking a three mile walk home from a night of rather heavy drinking. This route took me along a fairly busy main road out of town, which at the time was having a bit of redevelopment done to cope with the congestion - roundabouts and traffic lights being added, that sort of thing.

I guess the workers had assumed they were far enough from civilisation to fear anyone meddling with their site, and had been a bit slack on tidying away all their equipment.

One of the items they'd left there to tempt a drunken eye was a can of the yellow paint that they use to put those markings on tarmac.

How could I resist?

For ages afterwards I feared seeing myself on some comedy security video clip - some drunken idiot very carefully spraying "CUNTS!" in yellow paint across a main road.

I felt quite ashamed the day after, the usual hangover guilt that follows a night on the booze I guess. In the years since this act seems to have achieved some sort of legendary status.

I still have yellow paint on my DMs...
(Wed 9th May 2007, 11:49, More)

» Teenage Parties

Aaah so many
One thing that became a fairly regular theme at our student house parties was a drinking game by the name of 'Touch The Cup' - this involved attempting to flip a coin into a cup in the centre of the table, in which had been poured some of everyone's drink. If you got the coin in I think you got to nominate someone to drink all their drink, if you failed I think you had to drink the contents of the dirty cup. I can't remember what else happened but it always resulted in one person getting absolutely fucked.

This one time the victim was a tall Nathan Barley type, who perhaps as an act of revenge then proceeded to completely redecorate our bathroom in vomit. Covered the entire floor, and half the walls. Making matters worse, he attempted to clean this up using my towel - by using it to scoop up as much of his lumpy expulsion as he could before collapsing somewhere.

Everyone was too drunk to deal with it by this point, so people just pissed in the garden and eventually went to sleep.

Now, our bathroom was very small, and had poor ventilation, this meant that by morning the stench within the room had become somewhat unbarable, and no one dared go in to clean it up.

For the next... maybe four weeks, we all had to hold our breath whilst jumping over the vomit and dashing to the safety of the closed off shower cubicle, and then take a very quick shower whilst holding your breath before retreating back to the safety of the hallway. Yes. Vomit left in our bathroom for at least FOUR weeks.

Eventually I gave in and managed to vacuum the now dried-up vomit.

Students eh?
(Sat 15th Apr 2006, 7:44, More)