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bollocked if I'm giving out a profile

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» The most childish thing you've done as an adult

Morning farts
I'm in the habit of doing loud farts after getting out of bed in the morning (Mudskipperess doesn't appreciate dutch oven pranks). A few days ago, I rattled out a particularly euphonious effort while making Daughter #2 (aged 6) her breakfast. "That disgusting, daddy" she said (she has a slight speech impediment).
I promptly blamed the budgie.
Far from finding that funny, Daughter got angrier. "No, it you! You do fart! Stop lying!!"
I responded by doing another fart.
I blamed the budgie again, and to compound the hilarity I wafted the smell over the Daughter and the caged bird.
By this time, Daughter is close to tears.
What's a loving father to do?
If you're me, a final, hideously rancid fart, this time while wordlessly pointing an accusing finger at the budgie.

It took a few minutes to regain my daughter's love after all this.
(Fri 18th Sep 2009, 10:24, More)

» The Onosecond

Bitch pig slave meets foul whore
For years my mate and I have had this twisted in-joke going where we email one another stalker-type threats and S/M rantings eg "describe your faeces to me bitch and do not lie for I WILL FIND OUT" etc. Well we think it's funny. Anyhow a few years ago I was in the process of trying to gently retire a girlfriend via email (the old "it's not you its me" business)...
You can see where this is heading, can't you?
Cue to mate sending me one morning "hoho today my stool is ripe and sweet, foul slave, open your bitch mouth and gag". Christ, it's like Gandalf meets Roy of Finland. Well I can beat that, can't I: "Foul whore, moan while I roughly impale you on my proudness"... now just tap "send" and ...


I hadn't used Reply, just typed out a new message, and Mr Freudian Slip had filled in the address. Well, that's one way to end a relationship, I guess.
When my mate found out, he tried to cheer me up with an email threatening to piss in my anus.
(Thu 26th May 2005, 12:56, More)

» Losing Your Virginity

Bye, bi
age: 18.
Wake up.
Sore arse.
Yukky tasting mouth.
Big fat hairy snoring male in my bed.
Decide I prefer girls.
(Thu 3rd Mar 2005, 10:01, More)

» Too much information

Po ho ho
At the age of 3, daughter proudly emerged from the bog to tell me she'd done a poo shaped like Santa.
(Tue 11th Sep 2007, 8:29, More)

» School Projects

Dinosaur poos
When I was about 9 my class did a big project on dinosaurs, which basically involved getting into groups and doing big pictures of dinosaurs. Naturally the boys did fierce T-Rexs while the girls concentrated on gentle looking herbivores with My-Little-Pony eyes. Colour schemes were left open to the imagination, so the boys did their creations in greens and camos while the girls' efforts were, well, more girly. This filled us hearty lads with contempt.
One girlosaur was so contemptible - pink, big eyelashes etc - that a nameless boy decided to correct it the next day by drawing a row of round brown plops coming from the creature's bright pink arse. The result was sidesplittingly funny, especially when the teacher found it and went ballistic. She decried the "grubby little boy who drew these silly ... things ... coming out of its bottom."
To which one boy, the culprit I assume, replied "They're not things, Miss, they're poos."

Disclaimer: It wasn't me. I wish it had been.
(Thu 13th Aug 2009, 23:57, More)
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