» When were you last really scared?

stoned nonsense
After deciding to take a job abroad for six months, I had a going away party thrown in my honour, to which all of my friends showed up. Even my boyfriend's sisters came along to wish me well.
So what was the lasting memory I left with everyone?
A smug but eloquent speech? Nope.
Their lasting image will be of me stoned out of my tree and clinging to my bloke whilst hiding my face and screaming "Get that fucking sock monkey away from me. It's got no fucking EYES!"

I was hysterical and cried with fear.
I have absolutely no idea why.
(Fri 23rd Feb 2007, 22:52, More)

» Best Films Ever

two of my favourite films are ...
Full Metal Jacket and
High Fidelity...

and my brother's reasons for disliking them

Full Metal Jacket: too much death

High Fidelity: "that could have been anyone's life."
(Fri 18th Jul 2008, 5:34, More)

» Phobias

clowns again
This may be a wee bit long. Sorry.
Let me take you back to a few days before my story. I'd been reading an online article about clowns. For example, did you know there's a group called Clowns Without Borders who go around conflict areas to lighten the mood and do gigs at refugee camps and stuff. Total opposite to www.ihateclowns.com and it prolly makes things worse for the refugees with coulrophobia.
There's also a fetish for clowns which has led to Clown Porn. (sorry if anyone puked on the monitor)
I know this 'cause a new group who ran www.StopClownPornNow.org were the subject of the magazine article I was so interested in.
Now,
I have a massive moth phobia - can't stand the sound they make when they batter off the walls but worse is the thought of accidentally squashing one onto my clothes and being covered in the blood and gore. *full foetal cringe* So when it got to my boyfriend's sister's birthday and we discovered that hallmark had made wind up butterflies that fly like dervishes from ordinary birthday cards, I was fucking unnerved throughout the meal.
I become the subject of fascination. How could I be so scared of anything so harmless? And no-one else has a phobia.
"Now that's not true," pipes up boyfriend's mum, "you've got a thing for clowns," she says, indicating boyfriend.
"No Mum, having A THING for clowns is something entirely different," says the other half.
"Oh yes," I say, "cause there's that website..."
You could have heard a fucking pin drop. Then I got so embarrassed I couldn't speak. Who knew people will actually freeze with their forks in front of their mouths.
To this day, they still believe that I look at clown porn - and there's no way I'm bringing up the subject again. Maybe they'll just forget...

length? Three years later it still gives the bloke a chuckle when he thinks on it. the bastard.
(Wed 16th Apr 2008, 6:38, More)

» The Worst Journey in the World

shittylink
my best friend nickie was six hours late meeting me in Glasgow, having been thrown off the Dundee bus halfway for disturbing the other passengers. At this news, I was unsurprised as she can be a bit lippy... then she let me in on the whole story...
The driver, keen to keep the trip as short as possible, had refused to let one guy off the bus when he was "bursting for a piss."
In the mind of a chav, the easy solution to this problem was to piss into a carrier bag and push it out of the bus through the sunroof. Only it's difficult to manage on a speeding bus when you've been knocking back the finest drink that monks can brew. When Nickie sprung to the aid of the urine soaked woman opposite, she was told to sit down then was eventually left at the nearest service station for letting the driver know what she thought of him.
Sitting beside a teenage mum and her screaming offspring, on the next bus that came along which had a spare seat, she heard a nasal braying from several seats behind her, bellowing into his mobile that "ahm comin intae glesga, and ye ken whit that means... break oot the buckie!!!"
Last bus she ever took.
(Wed 13th Sep 2006, 20:13, More)

» Singing the wrong words

Papa Roach
My Brother's drunken embarrasment when he was told the real lyrics to Papa Roach were slightly less funny than hearing him sing
"cut my eyes into pieces, this is my last retort..."
A week or so later, I was singing GreenDay's Deadbeat Holiday "...granddad's in a two-plate soup fight. But you're living on a landmine..."
when my friends cut up laughing.
Seemingly the line is actually "Grounded in a duplex to find/That you're living on a landmine." Damn!
I hope to god that we don't pass this trait on to our children!
(Mon 31st Jan 2005, 4:16, More)