» The worst sex I ever had

Dripping Wet
When I was a younger man with greater stamina I was a young girl's first partner. Every time we had sex we had to stop some minutes in because she thought her bladder was going to explode. Being of only slightly more experience I reassured her that this pressure was the sign of a beautiful orgasm and she should go with it.

I had no idea matresses were so expensive
(Fri 15th Jun 2007, 11:58, More)

» Stalked

mistake
I was once working on a boat in the Atlantic. From this boat various camera crews filmed pieces about Sperm whales and their dirty habits. One crew had a dumb blonde flirty busty presenter whose audience you could tell wouldn't give two hoots about how deep a whale can dive, they'd be too busy looking at the 2 hoots in the wetsuit. Talking to her it turned out her dad was a bit of an East London geezer who, more than once, would give her a stash of Gucci bags to sell to her 13 year old school mates.

Anyway, when she started in the presenting game she began to frequently see an older man sat on the wall of the house opposite her new pad of a morning. Convinced of impending dangers she told her dad of this filthy man. The next morning the man was there again so her dad, who was lying in wait, went over and kicked the shit out of him, apparently breaking his arm. After taking this slightly scary story on board, and finally wrestling my eyes from her bustier for the first time since i met her, i jokingly asked if there was a bus stop outside her place. She paused. Thought hard. And said there was. As the penny still hadn't dropped her producer had to explain to her that she'd probably been the cause of the capping of an innocent commuter. She still thought he was a stalker...

That wetsuit though.... Oooo
(Thu 31st Jan 2008, 20:06, More)

» My Greatest Regrets

Heavy Object
I regret looking after my friend's two gerbils. They escaped one day, and while it was easy to find one, the other evaded capture for hours. After the nth time of lifting the sofa, there it was. I was so surprised I dropped the furniture. On it's little head. The burning swell of shock, horror and guilt was astounding.

What do you do? You're absolutely right, you do the decent thing and buy another one that looks the same. I slipped it in the cage. The 2 rodents squared up like they were in the thunderdome and fought to the death. My friend was now the proud owner of a mental death machine that could bite through leather gloves.
(Sat 7th Oct 2006, 14:03, More)

» Road Trip

Customs don't work
It was on my return from a trip around South America, emptying my backpack in the kitchen table at my mothers' house, when the 5 inch pure Columbian bifta fell out. Result! Then I realised since Columbia, I'd also visited Panama, Costa Rica, Nicaragua, back to Cost Rica, the US, then England. I'd been through customs 6 times and taken 4 flights.

Despite being a bit dry, I wanted to smoke it in celebration of my freedom. My mother was well cross and confiscated it.
(Mon 18th Jul 2011, 16:51, More)

» Mums

Stiff Upper Lip
My mum's as middle class as a picnic in John Lewis' barbcue department. This means utter cherriness in the face of adversity (burglary, alcoholic husband, chronically ill children), but getting a parking ticket will make her as psycho as a cat in a bath. One time at Waitrose in Richmond (see?!) she'd stayed 15 mins over the 3 hour parking limit, increasing her stay from about £2.00 to £20.00, she totally wigged out, demanding to see the manager, take her custom away and leaving her paid for trolley of shopping in a lift door. As she left she hollered...

"And you've moved the marmite! 2 years ago!"

Waitrose called her mobile as she went to the car and said that she could come back for the shopping anytime. As she sat in the car I had to go and get it. Parking was free. Somehow I think they were used to this kind of behaviour
(Wed 17th Feb 2010, 14:29, More)