» Guilty Secrets

poor cat
when i was about 7 i kicked a cat round the side of the house and it died. It didn't just drop dead either, it did this horrible death-yawn stretch silent scream and then dropped dead. And I actually really like cats, don't even know why I kicked it. I think I threw it over the hedge and pretended to not hear my Dad when he said a few weeks later 'Jaysus something stinks round here'. :(
(Fri 31st Aug 2007, 13:34, More)

» Voyeurism

oh yeah
i forgot all about this one, circa 94

i've just turned 17, and I'm staying with my uncle in Germany with his hot German missus. She has an even hotter, younger sister. We're all at the wedding of their Dad, a lovely fella who likes the odd beer (Germans can be cool you know).

One of the hot sister's hobbies is belly dancing. For some reason, part of the wedding afters included a show by her and her equally hot mates who all have the same belly and ass shaking interests...

So the night wore on and I've pretty much destroyed 1 of the 3 kegs on hand. The belly dancing is about to begin. Outside having a smoke with my uncle he gestures up and in a 2nd story window can be seen what can only be described as a full harem of stupidly fit women all disrobing and getting changed for the belly dancing show.

Subtlety is not one of my talents. When I was 17 and hammered I was about as blunt as a rusty brick.

So in front of all the wedding guests I start gesticulating wildly hollering something that probably sounded like 'uuuurrrgh titsssss holy shiiiiit, look, holy, fugggin hell, jaysus, nakedness' and so forth. Made a complete tit of myself in front of most of the wedding guests who had come out to see what the ruckus was about.

The best bit was when this granny came over to me and said, in a beautifully clipped Bavarian accent, 'You know young man, ve normally have to pay for peep shows in Germany.'

She was right too.
(Fri 12th Oct 2007, 12:11, More)

» Fancy Dress

hate
fucking dressing up for owt, yes i am a grumpy old git

my mate Pete is of the same opinion - last halloween, on the way to the party (both of us in regular clothes) he shows me this piece of cardboard with 'FUCK THAT' written on it. I only understood the full majesty of this idea when we arrived and people straight away were saying 'how come you didn't dress up?!?'. Shown the card. Classic. I got one of my own for next year.
(Fri 13th Jan 2006, 16:48, More)

» Shame

last christmas
i went home to see the folks with girlfriend in tow, got hammered on a bottle of whiskey and proceeded to look around the house for skins of some kind with which to roll up the little bit of doob i had...i was informed the next day I got really angry at my dad for not letting me make a pipe out of an empty can, massive row, decided in a huff to *walk* the 40 miles or so back to my flat in Dublin, got dragged back in the front door by my mam, and put to bed. Amazingly I didn't piss or puke anywhere other than the toilet! Go me

The shame part is my parents were totally fine with me the next day, as was my girlfriend. Top people!

No more whiskey for me though.
(Tue 29th Nov 2005, 17:27, More)

» Expensive Mistakes

in my first 5 days
working in a multi-storey car park i was left alone twice, while my boss when on lunch.

The first time: arsehole on a rented moped drove straight through the barrier, breaking it off at the mechanism. Not entirely my fault really but I still got an unmerciful bollocking. Approx cost: 800 quid

The 2nd time: I go out to remove the cash from the pay station thingy. Broke the cash box off of its bracket when it wouldn't come out peaceably and I employed the brute force method. Another almighty bollocking. Approx cost: 600 quid.

Not bad for my first week eh?
(Thu 25th Oct 2007, 17:12, More)