» Weddings

Shocking speech
I used to work as head barman at a venue which hosted weddings. Come the speeches I would gather the barmaids to listen to them and then we would decide on how long we gave the marriage before it broke down in acrimony - the shortest was about an hour when one of my staff caught the groom in the beer cellar with a bridesmaid.

Anyway, one wedding staged with us was obviously a bit of a rush job, the bride's father oiling his (no doubt Purdey) shotgun.

The groom came from what can only be described as a salt-of-the-earth (ie chav) background, while his bride was from a very posh family.

The reception was a lovely affair, the chavs only occasionally had to be prevented from stealing our fixtures and fittings, and the toffs being thoroughly amused at their working class antics - until the speeches.

The groom made a lovely, respectful and eloquent speech, before rounding it off with: "Thanks everyone for coming and making this special day so wonderful. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to fuck the missus."

Half the room erupted into cheers, the other half's jaws hit the tables simultaneously.

First time poster. Apologies for length, but some of you like it.
(Sat 16th Jul 2005, 14:51, More)

» Toilets

Scared the crap out of me
Being a commuter with a habit of getting caned on schoolnights, I often find myself having to use the facilities at Victoria station on the way to work in the mornings.

I know the Government seems to want to encourage cottaging by decriminalising it, but personally I find predatory homosexuality in the toilets of one of the capital's major railway stations at 8.15am to be a bit beyond the pale. How are you supposed to crack the bowl in comfort when people keep knocking on the door and asking if you would like company? Anyway, I digress.

One morning while emptying my bowels of a particularly noxious substance which seemed to resemble gravy being pumped through a firehose, I took a breath (a potentially fatal mistake) grabbed a piece of bog paper to wipe the beads of sweat of my forehead and settled down.

In the pause, I noticed a slight movement by foot. It seemed that during my efforts to expel foulness I had had an audience of a single perv who had been watching me by holding a mirror under the partition between cubicles.

I immediately kicked the mirror as hard as I could with the witty reply of 'Fuck you fucking bender'. Potentially not the wisest thing to say but I was a little, well, distracted.

I was incredibly angry and, had I not been rendered unable to go and adminster a sound leathering by the fact that I had a shitty arse and my trousers around my ankles, would have been out of that trap like a flash.

Once I had finished I spent the next few minutes stomping around the toilets looking for someone to kill. For once the predatory queens did not look at me with quizzical interest as I growled around looking for the sicko who I felt had violated me.

Thinking about it , I suppose the perv's got a good racket going on there. I mean who's willing to rush out without wiping?

NB// I actually like gay men. They dress better than us straights and are great fun to get drunk with. I just resent having to drop the kids off at the pool while trying to convince them I am in a toliet to have a dump and not for some rought trade.

Oh well.
(Sat 3rd Sep 2005, 22:35, More)

» That's when I knew it was over...

I knew it was over...
When, in a nightclub, as I was buying her a drink and talking to her, she got chatted up by a fat shortarse and then snogged him WHILE I was waiting to hand her her drink.

Unbelieveably, I waited until they had unlocked lips so I could give her her drink. I'm that polite.

Still, I have plans for her little sister soon. Then she will know what it is like to be f***ed over.
(Sat 23rd Jul 2005, 16:41, More)