» The Onosecond

jetlag equals dodgy spelling
I send a lot of update emails to family and friends as I live and work overseas. So, one fine day en route back home I sent one out innocently asking them to ignore any spelling mistakes as my jet lag was pretty bad.

I quote; 'my internal cock is screwed'

Much amusement when I got back home and some worried looks from my ultra conservative dad.
(Fri 27th May 2005, 17:02, More)

» Petty Sabotage

More than petty
My personal account is minor: a few keyholes glued shut with a concoction of wet toilet paper, stealing important transparencies from my teachers and binning them, putting the birth control pill into my (male) history teachers drinking water, drive by 'eggings' onto various cars and businesses, you know, fun stuff.

My best fried, however, has the award for most expensive act of vandalism ever. One drunken evening she came home to discover that her hated next door neighbour had just repaved his driveway. So, in her brilliance, she removed the paving to a more suitable location.

The body of his car.

It was quite an expensive car too. Bless her, she's such a lovely girl.
(Fri 6th May 2005, 13:26, More)

» When animals attack...

Too numerous to list
Here goes:

A cat clawed its way up my face to escape the dog. Nearly took my eye out

I was badly bitten on the fingers by a goose (nasty creatures those damn geese)

I was stung repeatedly on the inside of my lip when a wasp found its way into my cooldrink and I tried to drink it with said wasp inside

A donkey tried to mate with me (thank got for the intervening fence)

I was thrown off a horse and repeatedly trodden on

I narrowly avoided being savaged to death by my friends rottweiller a few times(it managed to eat my glasses during one escape)

My mom takes the cake with having been charged by a Rhino while she clung to a Landrover roof.

Funny though, we all really love animals. Damn things.
(Mon 6th Jun 2005, 15:19, More)

» It was a great holiday, but...

Damn English Camping, Damn It All To Hell
On my first ever trip to the UK my mother decided it would be a good idea for us all to go camping. In September.
I shared a tent with her, and she snores. Her geriatric old friend came with us, and she snored so loudly that other campers would move their tents in the morning. But the worst moment was a storm which occurred (somewhere aroung Blackpool, what a great place to camp) shortly after I had gotten into my inadequate sleeping bag for another night of no sleep due to being freezing cold and surrounded by snoring old ladies. The whole tent flooded within minutes and my mother and I have to dissasemble it, in the dark, in a muddy field, and pack it into the storm lashed car which we subsequently had to sleep in. For some reason, it now rains every time I go camping, in every country I have ever been to. And the worst is I truly frigging HATE camping, it's always my damn family who outvotes me.

Apologies for length, I have always wanted to admit how much I hate sleeping 'outdoors, under the stars' Give me a damn big bed with a warm duvet...
(Thu 21st Apr 2005, 10:51, More)

» The last thing that made me cry

On the train back to London from a party
After a spectacular argument with my boyfriend on the train platform, I followed up with muffled weeping with my head covered in my jacket. I had been drinking a lot of gin that evening. I would also like to point out that I had a bottle of beer in my hands the whole way through the argument and aftermath. Such class...
Otherwise, for a girl, I don't really cry very often. Just when the demon drink has me in it's clutches.

Note: Ok, I just saw that PETA video and I misted a bit, so I am a total girl
(Thu 14th Apr 2005, 16:34, More)