» Unexpected Nudity

Unexpected cock-slap to the face
I dont wear pants...Havent done for years.
I was helping my brother in law a while back with some DIY. we were fitting new plasterboard to a small bathrooms ceiling. I was crouching on a small scaffold, my B.I.L passed me the sheet of plasterboard and I held it in place. He prepared to climb up onto the scaffold next to me, and as it was a very small scaffold, had to get pretty close to do so. He was leaning in towards me preparing to hoist himself up when the crotch of my tracksuit trousers failed with a comedy ripping noise and my cock n balls, which had been squished up a bit due to my position, burst forth and slapped my brother in law firmly across the nose.

He hadnt been expecting that.

I laughed so hard I had to drop the board.
(Thu 28th May 2009, 21:23, More)

» DIY disasters

locked in
Im converting the old barn opposite me into a house just now. I have got the upstairs floors in and recently put up all the partition walls and internal doors upstairs.
I had been sanding and treating the floorboards in the bedrooms. Its tedious stuff - sand, hoover up dust, apply varnish, wait for it to dry, sand, repeat for 3 more coats.... I just got on with it and let my mind wonder far and wide.

I was in one of the bedrooms merrily sanding away, and I came to the bit behind the door. I shoved the door shut and it snicked closed. In that millisecond of the echo fading away, I knew Id screwed up.

I have recently installed the doors.

I have not yet fitted the door handles.

I was confronted with a closed door with just a wee square hole where the handle would fit. No handle. No tools, nothing to force the mechanism. I was trapped in the room. The door opens in towards the interior of the room, and I had done a nice solid job of fitting the frame to the studding of the wall, so forcing it would require a big effort and would destroy the frame, door and probably a decent bit of the partition walls I had just fitted. It has lift-off visible hinges, but the door has to be open to lift it up.

ah.

The window.....
I live alone here and am quite isolated. Nearest neighbour is maybe 1/4 mile away and with the wind blowing, well outside shouting for help range. My dog was in the garden, but lacks Lassie-like skills in retreiving help. The road is access to my house and the neighbours only - no passing traffic to scream at.

damn.

The window... yes, it has a handle fitted and is big enough to fit through....
But im the equivelant of slightly over 1.5 storeys up and the ground below is rocky. Im no stuntman or paratrooper so dropping would have likely resulted in broken bones.
My van was parked maybe within leaping distance, but my chunky body landing on its flimsy wet roof from such a height would likely result in a badly dented van and broken bones.

"I need a rope" i thought. No rope present.
Inventory check....
electric sander with cable - hmmm possibly. Nope, too thin, too short.
broom. err?
me, fully clothed. now there is an idea -

Braced the broom handle diagonally across the window frame. Tied one sleeve of my fake AllBlacks rugby top to it and let the rest out the window. Hmmm not long enough. Trousers.... off came the shabby old shell-suit bottoms. One leg tied to the free sleeve and the other dropped. Hmm, that looks manageable.
I was commando under the trousers though, so am now sporting just a t-shirt and trainers. ssssssexy.

The isolation saved my dignity though. Only my dog was faced with the sight of my flabby, semi-naked self fearfully shuffling over a window ledge, turning round baring my hairy arse to the world and daintily decending the rope*

*Barely controlled slide.
(Thu 3rd Apr 2008, 18:44, More)

» Stalked

clingy
Im being stalked by a dog. No, thats not derogatory, a proper dog with 4 legs and fur.
I found her living rough and starving near my sisters house. I went back and gave her some dog food, so she followed me home.
I never let her in the house, but she refused to leave, just sitting in the garden staring at me through the glass door.
She didnt move for 2 whole days, sleeping in the garden at night and spending all day looking through the door.
I gave her more food and water while she was there, but didnt let her in the house untill it started raining. She just sat there in the pouring rain, looking even more miserable. Im a sucker for animals so had to let her in. She was overjoyed. The intention was to feed her up a bit and find a new home for her.

Four months later, she isnt officially "my dog", but I am definately "her master" whether I want to be or not. She refuses to let me out of her sight, and when I put her outside she sits against the door shivering with anxiety untill either I let her in or go outside too.
Being in the same house isnt enough for her though, she has to be in the same room as me. Even going for a crap means having to leave the door open. If I close it, she leans against it and makes it rattle with her shivering untill i open it again.

I am currently away on business, so left her at my sisters house, where she had a very anxious day when I left, and seemingly she just spends all day lying on her blanket in a deep miserable sulk.

I like dogs, so having one is fine, and I guess Im stuck with her now, I just like to be able to choose my dog though, not the other way round!



Need to work on the separation anxiety issues though.
(Fri 1st Feb 2008, 9:25, More)

» Festivals

fluff
I have nothing to add, having never been to a festival before.

My cat had a kitten last night though.

Which was a surprise.


She had another, but it was stillborn, hairless and freaky-shaped. :(
(Fri 5th Jun 2009, 19:02, More)

» Guilty Secrets

I sent an innocent man to prison
I used to be mid-managemnt in a shop a few years back. We always had trouble with shoplifters, but one was particularly nasty. when confronted, assuming he wasnt too wasted, he would always turn violent, spit at people and try to bite. Turns out he has hepatitus and was trying to infect us. Thats the kind of charming gent he was.
Previous to the following event, he shacked up with a slightly dim but very nice girl who also worked with us in an effort to get her to steal from the till for him. Within weeks he had her hooked on drugs, infected with god-knows what and we had been forced to fire her when her clumsy efforts at theft were discovered. He fucked her life up good and proper.
He came into the shop a few months later, rather stoned and making a poor effort at shoplifting. He was thrown out. He came back 30 mins later and was thrown out again. this continued hrought the morning till I came in to work for the afternoon shift. I confronted him and with one of the other staff who was a bit of a hard-case, we subdued the scumbag and took him to the office. It should be noted that he hadnt actually stolen anything at this point.
I pressed the panic button which summons immediate police assistance in the case of emergency. We had the guy tied to the desk with cable ties so my workmate asked wtf I had pressed the button for. While waiting for the police I explained my plan, which he was happy to go along with.
I got an old Stanley knife from the shops tool kit, wiped it clean and we pressed it into his hands, covering it with his finger prints. When the police turned up (tyres screeching, sirens blaring, rolling over the bonnet like a proper cop-show!) we told them we had repeatedly warned the guy off but he had returned with a knife and tried to stab us. The scumbag obviously denied this, but it was our word against his.
The police commented that although he was known scum, knives were very out of character for him, but reckoned he must have been desperate for his next fix.
Charges went ahead and a trial was set.

I stood up in court and lied.

We stuck to our story and there were plenty of corrobarative witnesses who had seem him being repeatedly thrown out during the morning. The knife had his prints on it. He was already on parole for shoplifting and had a string of previous offences.
He was sent to prison for 2 years.

Legally, what I did was very wrong. Morally? I think I was right. Do I feel guilty? yes, I feel guilty about lying in court.
(Mon 3rd Sep 2007, 23:02, More)