» When animals attack...

Why Crash Helmets have visors
A good friend and myself were out for a day of high speed hijinks on our sports bikes and as it was a beautiful sunny day, i had my visor up and a pair of sunglasses on.

While barrelling down the M3, i hit a maybug while doing a shade over 140mph. It hit me squarely in the face. For anyone who is unaware these are twin engined armour plated insects the size of a childs shoe.

According to my friend Tom, it was like watching the JFK assassination tape. Loud crack, my head snapped back and i nearly dumped the bike. Due to the (admittedly stupid) speed i was doing at the time, if i had dropped the bike i would have been lucky to get away with a slight case of death.

When i finally did pull over, my nose had swollen almost shut and i had to pick several pieces of insect carapace out of my face. Which is like digging out shrapnel covered in snot.

Insect bastards.

Apologies for length, but it gives me something to punch the holes in doughnuts with.
(Thu 2nd Jun 2005, 10:46, More)

» Petty Sabotage

Medical Supplies
Having lived in shared accomodation, i have experienced the strange phenomenon of having all of my food, milk, aftershave etc going missing on a regular basis.

Now, i am not a tightwad, but this was starting to take the piss as we were all working and i would be out of food an hour after going shopping.

So, as Mrs Flinglish is a nurse, managed to get hold of a fecking huge syringe and filled it with TCP. Then systematically injected all of the sealed food in the fridge. Stuff stopped going walkies after that....

First Post (with added woo and yay).
(Mon 9th May 2005, 11:16, More)

» Insults

Getting a chance to use a fantastic insult...
crops up rarely i find. However, the perfect opprtunity arose during a sales meeting at the firm i work for.

Imagine 20+ salesman in a room all of whom think they are an erudite mix of Ned Sherrin and Blackadder when it comes to taking the piss.

I was having a disagreement with one of the said chaps when he decided to skip all of the preamble and go straight for the nuclear arsenal of insults. So, in front of everyone and bearing in mind you could hear a pin drop, he delivers in a deadpan voice.

"You are a CUNT"

I smiled and replied "I know. I believe the saying is you are what you eat. Which would make you a dogs cock" delivered in the same bored tone. After several seconds of uncomfortable silence he started to form a half arsed retort and i just spoke over him in the same bored voice

"I used to fuck guys like you in prison"

I have never seen a grown man fight back tears like that since i accidentally shot my father with an air rifle. Happy Days.

Oh and my cock is average.
(Fri 5th Oct 2007, 13:00, More)

» Injured Siblings

Evil B*stards
My brother and i have always fought like cat and dog, but my father and uncle take the prize for true evil doing.

When they were 6 ish, my uncle Bill took my fathers cheap tin cap gun, and held it over the hob with a pair of tongs until it was practically white hot. He then called my dad in and handed it to him, causing the gun to practically weld to his hand.

My father, being the unimaginative chap that he is, waited until he was healed up, took a length of stovewood and hit my uncle Bill across the face with it with absolutely no warning one morning at breakfast. It hit him so hard, it levelled most of his top row of teeth off at the gum line.

So, in retaliation, my uncle shot him in the neck with an air rifle. So my father, (who despite being youger, was twice his size) wrestled the rifle off him and smashed the butt in to his face until he was sparko.

They still hate each other to this day and at family events i keep expecting a fight to the death.

Length, Girth, PAH! It is all about the flavour.
(Fri 19th Aug 2005, 11:02, More)

» Workplace Boredom

Ridiculous Office Games
Like many others B3tans, i too have felt the soul crushing monotony of being an office drone and decided to make a stand to regain my sanity.

Out of this my Colleague and i developed the game of Pipe Hairball.

The rules are simple. While facing each other at desks about twenty feet apart, each contestant puts a pipe in their mouth and declares the game ready by shouting "Lanyard PULL!". The aim is for the first player to throw a balled up piece of A4 (or the tramps knuckle as it came to be known) at the other player with the intention of hitting their hair. Not their face, or upper torso. Only a direct hit to the hair (A syrup dipper) would score a point. First to five wins. If at any point one of your shots hits the opponents pipe (Briar Strike) they then have to Riverdance furiously for ten seconds. Also any flinching or dodging results in lost points.

This seemed to be a perfect way to brighten up a slow day and improve hand/eye coordination.

It also seemed perfectly logical and it is not until i have written it down and read it back that i realise quite how retarded it sounds. Bugger.

Length? You wouldn't want it as a wart on your nose....
(Mon 12th Jan 2009, 10:36, More)