» Apparently I'm a sex offender

Wrong thing to say...
Back in the day before I had children of my own, I would occasionally visit a friend who had a little girl called Lauren who was about 4 at the time.

One day, while wandering through town, my friend announced that she needed to pop into the post office, and asked would I wait outside with Lauren. While her mother was gone, Lauren decided that I *needed* to know that she was wearing some new underwear.

"Would you like to see my knickers?" she asked at top volume outside a very busy Post Office. Flustered, and not wanting to be seen in public looking at a young girl's knickers, I replied "No, let's wait until we get home".

Possibly not the right thing to say judging by the looks of passers-by.
(Wed 23rd Aug 2006, 12:31, More)

» Your Weirdest Teacher

Two Teachers
Mr Coops was a 'Motor Engineering' teacher. I'm still not sure why our school had motor engineering as a subject - something to do with it being a comprehensive, I think. Something of a 60s casualty, he'd been a roadie for Pink Floyd and you could tell.

Winnifred Moss was the deputy headmistress. A part time rally driver, you can guess her nickname. She ran the school with a rod of iron, measuring the girls skirts, demanding the removal of earrings and makeup, and smelling the fingers of shifty smokers. Everyone was terrified of Miss Moss.

One fateful day, Mr Coops had been fixing a pushbike, and to test the repair he decided to ride it down the corridor.

On the second floor.

Just as he approached the turn to the staff room, Miss Moss appeared round the corner and stood right in his path. He pulled the bike to a stop in front of her.

Fixing him with a steely glare, Miss Moss said "Mr Coops. Do you realise there's a boy in your form who's not wearing his tie."

"Oh", said Mr Coops, "I'll go and sort it", turned the bike round, and pedalled back up the corridor.
(Tue 15th Nov 2005, 19:19, More)

» Worst Nicknames Ever

It's...
When my 3 year old gets really excited (usually about Thomas the Tank Engine) his eyes open *really* wide and his mouth gets pulled into a grinning rictus.

So now he gets called 'Cardinal Fang' due to his resemblance to Terry Gilliam's reaction to the comfy chair.

Sorry. A bit geekier than I realised.
(Fri 19th May 2006, 11:59, More)

» Your Weirdest Teacher

Oh, and of course
The was the french teacher, Mr Mercier. He would wander into class, and pronounce either "I am the Bishop of Bombay" or "Mrs Ashworth has very big boobies".

One of those statements was true.
(Tue 15th Nov 2005, 19:25, More)

» Putting the Fun in Funeral

A graveyard, a shovel.... what more do you need.
My grandfather's funeral had been in May, but because the family wanted a good piece of Devon granite to mark where the ashes had been buried, we reconvened in November to lay the stone.

After the original internment of the small wooden box containing the ashes, the location had been marked with a small plaque. When we finally got the stone, we went back to the plaque, and I was given the job of removing the top couple of inches of turf so that the stone could be inset.

Not feeling entirely comfortable about digging in a graveyard, I set about my task with a real unease. A feeling that got worse when the spade hit something buried not very deeply beneath the surface.

It seems that the ash caskets have quite a shallow burial - I presume because they don't hold the same health hazard as a decaying corpse. So the top of the box was very close to the surface, and I began freaking out because I was digging up my Grandfather's ashes.

...except that when I peeled back the turf, there was a brass plaque on top of the box informing me that the contents belonged to someone called Doreen. Sometime between May and November my Grandfather's marker had been moved, and I ended up digging up somebody else's ashes.

In the end, I have no idea if the stone we laid is anywhere near the actual ashes, and to honest, I didn't care much.
(Fri 12th May 2006, 9:52, More)