» Your Weirdest Teacher

not quite a teacher but
imagine, if you will, a primary school, where a hundred children between seven and eleven years old look out across a large lawn. on this lawn, we witness a bloody fight between a cat and three pigeons. eventually the pigeons manage to see the cat off, but one is mortally wounded. The caretaker is called in to deal with the unfolding carnage, and comes out with a sack to put the pigeon in while the RSPCA are called. He puts the pigeon into his sack and retreats to his caretaker hut, returning with a spade a few minutes later. despite shouts from my class teacher, he proceeds to bring the spade down on the sack. repeatedly. it went a bit red. said the girls "urgh!". Said the boys "cool!".

said the headmaster "you're sacked."
(Sat 12th Nov 2005, 3:50, More)

» Will you go out with me?

it was kind of protracted and happened twice but its all true
I went on a holiday to holland when i was a younger flynntoff with my family and met this girl. When we got home, i chatted with her and some of her friends on MSN back when it was cool, and particularly got on with one of her friends... Even though she lived miles away we would meet up at weekends and kiss in a disgusting teenage fashion. However, this arrangement was doomed to failure (by me, oops) so eventually we broke up.

Fast forward six years of no contact whatsoever and i am at a party at a mutual friends house, too drunk to stand up and she turns up... win! I end up walking her home somehow and kissing her goodbye, but in the cold sober light of day, she decides that this is the booze's fault and it goes no further, but at least we're back talking if not actually meeting up.

Fast forward another year and we're at another party at another mutual friends house, shitfaced and snogging like teenagers. Again.

Fast forward another month, and we meet up for lunch in london.

Me: "So does this make you my girlfriend then?"

Her: "I suppose so"

Me: "Guess I'd better tell my girlfriend back home then..."


I didn't have a girlfriend back home, that was 5 months ago.
(Sat 30th Aug 2008, 20:39, More)

» Best Graffiti Ever

incomprehensible
for several months someone wrote a lot in various places around Weybridge, in a very childlike hand "pooslice!"
what is a pooslice?
(Fri 4th May 2007, 19:17, More)

» Airport Stories

i was very very lucky
to get one of the most innatentive customs officers ever at gatwick. having gone to a party the night before leaving for france, and got fairly merry, i completely forgot that i had purchased a small quantity of marijuana and wrapped it, in my wisdom, in tinfoil. as i idly rummaged through my jeans in the queue for customs, i came a across it again. the metal detector went off, i went white as a sheet, and the customs officer looked over.

"ah never mind, it's probably just your belt."

thank fuck.
(Wed 8th Mar 2006, 17:06, More)

» Essential Items

i have an
arresting and complex array of keyrings, to whit - BMW, Ford and Jaguar things (Don't drive and never have), two lego yodas (or yodae, not sure) two strange square shouting fluffy brown things, and three bottle openers, of which only one opens bottles (how can a bottle opener not work?)

getting into my house is tiring.
(Fri 28th Oct 2005, 13:37, More)