Profile for Fuiru:
Let's see, I'm a Brit, started working in Japan, followed a Canadian bird back to her country of birth, now live in Toronto doing shitty jobs, getting rejection letters from upscale magazines and attempting to write the next great humourous book. It's probably going to be the next Dinnerladies, only without the comedy stylings of Victoria Wood.
I have a humourous blog. It lies here: The Imaginary Review. If you liked Charlie Brooker's TVGoHome site, you might like this. I review things that don't exist, with hilarious results!
I just got a copy of Photoshop which I'm playing around with at the moment. If I make anything that isn't shit maybe I'll post it on B3ta.
This is me:
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- a member for 4 years, 5 months and 10 days
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- has posted 35 stories and 4 replies on question of the week
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Let's see, I'm a Brit, started working in Japan, followed a Canadian bird back to her country of birth, now live in Toronto doing shitty jobs, getting rejection letters from upscale magazines and attempting to write the next great humourous book. It's probably going to be the next Dinnerladies, only without the comedy stylings of Victoria Wood.
I have a humourous blog. It lies here: The Imaginary Review. If you liked Charlie Brooker's TVGoHome site, you might like this. I review things that don't exist, with hilarious results!
I just got a copy of Photoshop which I'm playing around with at the moment. If I make anything that isn't shit maybe I'll post it on B3ta.
This is me:
Recent front page messages:
none
Best answers to questions:
» The Police
Unlucky mate
Until last year I lived in a nice town north of Liverpool called Formby. This leafy suburb had a problem with rowdy youths coming from dodgy parts of Liverpool, drinking in the parks and causing trouble.
The local constabulary were always on the lookout for out of town rogues, and if any kids were walking the streets they'd get stopped by the police and asked a series of questions, to determine if they were local.
This process backfired when a couple of my mates got stopped after going to the off licence late at night. The copper asked my mate James the usual questions. Unfortunately, his - completely true - answers sounded a little too 'made up'.
Copper: Where do you live?
James: Formby.
Copper: And what school do you go to?
James: Formby High.
Copper: Uh huh, and what street do you live on?
James: Er, Formby Street...
Copper: Get in the car.
(Fri 23rd Sep 2005, 7:54, More)
Unlucky mate
Until last year I lived in a nice town north of Liverpool called Formby. This leafy suburb had a problem with rowdy youths coming from dodgy parts of Liverpool, drinking in the parks and causing trouble.
The local constabulary were always on the lookout for out of town rogues, and if any kids were walking the streets they'd get stopped by the police and asked a series of questions, to determine if they were local.
This process backfired when a couple of my mates got stopped after going to the off licence late at night. The copper asked my mate James the usual questions. Unfortunately, his - completely true - answers sounded a little too 'made up'.
Copper: Where do you live?
James: Formby.
Copper: And what school do you go to?
James: Formby High.
Copper: Uh huh, and what street do you live on?
James: Er, Formby Street...
Copper: Get in the car.
(Fri 23rd Sep 2005, 7:54, More)
» Scary Neighbours
Scary Neighbours
My next door neighbour used to be a middle-aged woman who was a science teacher at my school. My bedroom window gave me a perfect view of her sunbathing topless in her garden.
Now THAT was scary.
(Sun 28th Aug 2005, 9:21, More)
Scary Neighbours
My next door neighbour used to be a middle-aged woman who was a science teacher at my school. My bedroom window gave me a perfect view of her sunbathing topless in her garden.
Now THAT was scary.
(Sun 28th Aug 2005, 9:21, More)
» Pet Peeves
Loud car music
Why is it that some people think that the whole world wants to listen to the pedestrian R n B shite that they have playing in their car? "I know," they think, "I'll turn the volume up REALLY LOUD and wind all my windows down while I drive really slowly through the town centre. That'll brighten everyone's day! Everyone loves listening to the same tepid syncopated-beat-that-sounded-really-modern-in-2000-shit as me! What a lovely human being I am!"
Fuck you, dick. Just fuck off.
(Fri 2nd May 2008, 19:00, More)
Loud car music
Why is it that some people think that the whole world wants to listen to the pedestrian R n B shite that they have playing in their car? "I know," they think, "I'll turn the volume up REALLY LOUD and wind all my windows down while I drive really slowly through the town centre. That'll brighten everyone's day! Everyone loves listening to the same tepid syncopated-beat-that-sounded-really-modern-in-2000-shit as me! What a lovely human being I am!"
Fuck you, dick. Just fuck off.
(Fri 2nd May 2008, 19:00, More)
» I Drank Meths (pointless teenage things you did to shock)
Page 3 walls
I covered my bedroom walls in all the pictures of page 3 girls, semi-naked bapsmistresses from Loaded and Maxim and London phone box 'this is me, honest' calling cards that I could get my grubby little hands on. It started out as a rebellious "I'll stick whatever the fuck I want on my walls" two fingers to my parents, but ended up as a terrible addiction. It really got to the point where I couldn't avoid bashing out a quick one at bedtime, even if I wanted to. It was as if Claudia Schiffer and Nell MacAndrew were expecting it of me.
My wall of pseudo-porn was taken down the day after seeing my first girlfriend's reaction to it.
Thanks for listening, I really feel like we've made some progress today.
(Wed 25th Jul 2007, 3:18, More)
Page 3 walls
I covered my bedroom walls in all the pictures of page 3 girls, semi-naked bapsmistresses from Loaded and Maxim and London phone box 'this is me, honest' calling cards that I could get my grubby little hands on. It started out as a rebellious "I'll stick whatever the fuck I want on my walls" two fingers to my parents, but ended up as a terrible addiction. It really got to the point where I couldn't avoid bashing out a quick one at bedtime, even if I wanted to. It was as if Claudia Schiffer and Nell MacAndrew were expecting it of me.
My wall of pseudo-porn was taken down the day after seeing my first girlfriend's reaction to it.
Thanks for listening, I really feel like we've made some progress today.
(Wed 25th Jul 2007, 3:18, More)
» Mix Tapes
A Noise Annoys
A few years ago when I was in uni, my then-girlfriend (who lived on the other side of the country) was in a house with a load of annoying bitches (in her words). They'd be loud, get pissed and sing karaoke in someone's bedroom when they knew she had exams the next day, had loud sex with their menfolk in the next room, and so on until the cows came home.
Being the romantic fellow that I am, I offered to make a lovely tape of my favourite sensitive singer-songwriter types for her, which she duly accepted, with thanks. She also asked for a nice, loud apewail of a tape, full of stuff that'll make her Eiffel 65-loving housemates shit their pants. The 'A Noise to Annoy' compilation was born.
Featuring Atari Teenage Riot (live in Berlin bootleg), Aphex Twin's Come to Daddy, as well as the Surgeon remix of Mogwai's Mogwai Fear Satan (6 minutes of white noise that gradually gets louder and louder) and some Boredoms for good measure, I made the tape and brought it round, the next time I visited.
Sure enough, loud moaning and banging noises started at around 2 am. I got up, put the tape in and Come to Daddy started, with its "I want your soul/I will eat your soul" lyrics and screaming. The banging stopped, and we went to sleep.
Every time her housemates did something annoying to her, my girlfriend would just press play on her tape player, and endure some unlistenable noise until she felt better. Eventually the punishment worked and they stopped doing as many annoying things around the place. Behavioural psychology at its best.
(Fri 8th Feb 2008, 0:59, More)
A Noise Annoys
A few years ago when I was in uni, my then-girlfriend (who lived on the other side of the country) was in a house with a load of annoying bitches (in her words). They'd be loud, get pissed and sing karaoke in someone's bedroom when they knew she had exams the next day, had loud sex with their menfolk in the next room, and so on until the cows came home.
Being the romantic fellow that I am, I offered to make a lovely tape of my favourite sensitive singer-songwriter types for her, which she duly accepted, with thanks. She also asked for a nice, loud apewail of a tape, full of stuff that'll make her Eiffel 65-loving housemates shit their pants. The 'A Noise to Annoy' compilation was born.
Featuring Atari Teenage Riot (live in Berlin bootleg), Aphex Twin's Come to Daddy, as well as the Surgeon remix of Mogwai's Mogwai Fear Satan (6 minutes of white noise that gradually gets louder and louder) and some Boredoms for good measure, I made the tape and brought it round, the next time I visited.
Sure enough, loud moaning and banging noises started at around 2 am. I got up, put the tape in and Come to Daddy started, with its "I want your soul/I will eat your soul" lyrics and screaming. The banging stopped, and we went to sleep.
Every time her housemates did something annoying to her, my girlfriend would just press play on her tape player, and endure some unlistenable noise until she felt better. Eventually the punishment worked and they stopped doing as many annoying things around the place. Behavioural psychology at its best.
(Fri 8th Feb 2008, 0:59, More)