» DIY Techno-hacks

Marmalade or Butter sir?
Back in the sixties, yes I am that old. My father had a Philips 'reel to reel' tape recorder, Here's a pic I found of one
http://images.trademe.co.nz/photoserver/tq/8/99243408.jpg

As it got older and older, the valves in it started to deteriorate. It used to take 10 mins to warm up. So he took to keeping it in our central heating system to keep it warm.

The problem with this is that the rubber belt on the motor stretched due to the high temperature.

So he rubbed marmalade on the belt to make it sticky. Oh, oh, he used too much and the machine stopped dead. Unperturbed he proceeded to add butter to it until the stickiness was just right.

It worked great for about another 5 years.
(Thu 20th Aug 2009, 20:47, More)

» Guilty Laughs

Showing her knickers
I used to work with a lady who was really prim and proper. She was in her late 50’s and even words like bloody would offend her.
One day I was getting off the bus with her on the way to work. I huge gust of wind grabbed her full length tweed coat. Lifting her coat and skirt above her head, the wind threw her to the floor. So now she had shown her knickers to everyone on the bus and her workmates getting off the bus. We picked her up and took her to the company’s ambulance room.
Here’s what cracked me up. She had grazed both knees. So it looked like she had been shagged roughly from behind. Once I got to the shopfloor, I just fell about laughing. All my mates called me sick.
(Thu 22nd Jul 2010, 20:35, More)

» Encounters with Royalty

Army Hospital
When I was a Squaddie I was off sick for a few weeks. We were visited by Prince Charles in hospital. The sergeant major gave us all a warning.
“If he asks what’s wrong with you be honest”, he said.
“If he asks what the cure is, be honest”, he continued.
“But if he asks what your ambition is, tell him you want to get back to active service to serve her majesty”. He insisted.

Well I was third in line so Charlie asked the first guy, “What’s wrong with you?”
“Piles”, replied the Squaddie.
“And what is the cure?” asked Charles
“A good scrub around with a toothbrush dipped in Dettol.” replied the Squaddie.
“Have you any ambition?” asked Charles
“Yes”, said the Squaddie, “to get back to active service to serve her majesty”.

Charles then approached the guy next to me (second in line)
What’s wrong with you?” asked Charles
“Gonorrhoea”, replied the Squaddie.
“And what is the cure?” asked Charles
“A good scrub around with a toothbrush dipped in Dettol.” replied the Squaddie.
“Have you any ambition?” asked Charles
“Yes”, said the Squaddie, “to get back to active service to serve her majesty”.

It was my turn next.

What’s wrong with you?” asked Charles
“Bleeding gums”, I replied.
“And what is the cure?” asked Charles
“A good scrub around with a toothbrush dipped in Dettol.” I replied.
“Have you any ambition?” asked Charles
“Yes”, I said, “to get the toothbrush before those two dirty bastards!”
(Thu 3rd Aug 2006, 18:59, More)

» Stupid Tourists

Same Old Questions
I went to the States (Chicago) in 1999 on business. While I was chatting to an American colleague I mentioned that a common joke in the UK is the one about being asked if you know the Queen, and that although I live in a city of over 500,000 people will ask me if I know Steve or whoever.

The guy nodded knowingley and then said, "So you're from Sheffield? Do you know a guy called Paul? I don't know his second name but he has dark hair."

I just shook my head, the guy couldn't understand why I was smiling.
(Tue 12th Jul 2005, 23:16, More)

» The generation game

Just call me Methuselah
I knew I was getting long in the tooth when I realised that I started work at this company 5 years before my boss was born and 15 years before her boss was born. 
(Mon 25th Apr 2016, 22:15, More)