» What's the hardest you've tried to get dumped?

I told a girl I didn't want to go out with her...
At uni, a girl who I had the misfortune of being drunk with and pulling, big mistake, asked me out in the kebab shop later that evening. I told her no. She asked again. I told her no. This went on for a while until I eventually caved, thinking, "well it's about to be the Easter holidays, I'll dump her without ever having seen her."

This was all well and good, and I got on the train the next morning home. A week of her texting, and me replying sporadically and ignoring her phone calls, I was thinking I was doing an ace job of putting her off me.

One evening, I did happen to answer her call, the conversation went something like this:
Her “What are you up to?"
Me “nothing much, working tonight, got tomorrow off, working the day after."
Her “That’s good; I've booked a train to see you tomorrow!"
Me"..."
Her ”hello?"
me"...Err, that sounds... nice..."
Hang up.
Me "Fuckbeans..."

The next day, she arrived, and I showed her round my home city (Oxford), doing my best to not give off 'I fancy you' vibes. These consisted of:
Not touching her
Answering her very abruptly
Buying a drink and not offering her one
This list is by no means exhaustive!

Anyway, come the evening, I take her to my place of work, in the hope that if we were surrounded by friends, then she wouldn't be able to get her lady claws into me. This worked, and I eventually had to take her to her train.

"Yay!" I think, "I have finally gotten rid of her"

Until I get a phone call ten minutes later, "The train you put me on is delayed, and I have to come back, which will be too late for the last train. Can I stay at yours?"

Of course, being a gent, I say this is fine, I don't want to leave a girl stranded in an unfamiliar city, no matter how little I want to go out with her. So I go and pick her up, and take her back to my house, where a couple of friends are waiting to laugh at me. The plan was to get her drunk so she passed out, and I didn't have to talk to her anymore. The plan worked a charm, and the next day I carted her off to the train station and got her on the correct train.

A few texts about how she enjoyed herself later, and I feel pretty pissed off, she should have hated it!

Then, one night I get a text.

Her “this isn't really working as well as it used to, is it?"
Me “not really, although, I never really thought it was working"
Her “well you could have said something earlier; anyway, it means I can make it official with someone here at home."

I left it at that. But it did make me feel slightly aggrieved, that while I was doing my best chauvinist pig routine, to get myself dumped, she was cheating on me!

The Bitch!

Length? About two weeks, sadly, at the time my longest ever relationship, even though I spent the whole time trying to get dumped...
(Thu 5th Jun 2008, 11:09, More)

» I don't understand the attraction

Someone has already mentioned Apple computers...
But I'd like to add into the mixer, Ipods and Iphones.

They do not instantly make you cool. They do not mean you are better than anyone. They do not mean that you know more about technology than anyone else.

They mean you have been suckered into a brand, in the same way that you mock fat people for loving McDonalds, or stupid people for loving the Daily Mail and Jade Goody. You go wherever Steve Jobs goes, and spread his bible, unthinkingly, like his little minions.

Go fuck yourself and your stupid pretentious piece of plastic (or metal depending which 'gen' you bought) crap. It's probably made easier by there being an app for fucking your smug, cunt-like faces.

*Enter Apple fans stage right, for a jolly good flaming!
(Thu 15th Oct 2009, 16:21, More)

» Banks

I have, very recently, got my first mortgage!
The guy who sold it to me, was a guy about my age, and pretty friendly.

We would chat about this and that while he filled out all manner of forms. Then he mentioned that he was to either be sacked, or get a big promotion. He was sick of having to ruin people's dreams and deny them money, and, let's face it, the finance sector is in a bit of a pickle at the moment!

Anyway, as he was probably going to leave, he didn't care about comission, and just gave us the truth.

One Conversation went like this:
Him "Have you sorted out life insurance?"
Me "Errr... not yet, we were going to get it with the mortgage."
Him "Don't, it's too expensive. In fact, only buy your mortgage from us, everything else is a rip off. Make sure you go elsewhere."

He even managed to get us more than we were technically allowed as the bank manager wasn't in that day to veto the application. He also tried to get my entry for a competition for a trip to see the Lions in South Africa sent as the only entry from that branch, but that didn't work.

He was a nice guy, the only nice bank person I've ever known. He is now embarking on a career in wine. That's the kind of career I want.

The final great thing he did?! He got me a badge that says "Ask me about mortgages". I'm now the coolest kid in town... Ohhhh yeah...
(Thu 16th Jul 2009, 14:36, More)

» Helicopter Parents

Does this count...?
Yesterday morning, I was doing the washing up, whilst my kittens played in the garden, climbing trees, eating grass, crawling under thorn bushes etc... They've only just been let out on their own, and we have to watch them, but I turned around for one second, and all of a sudden they both burst through the door screaming.

I was a bit shocked and nearly dropped a plate. I looked out the window, and saw a massive black tom cat by the back door had chased them in and was about to come in himself.

Being the over protective proto-parent, I chased it down the garden brandishing a flip flop.

If I see him again, I'm gonna throw rocks at him. However, does this mean my cats will grow up as wimps, or did I do the right thing??
(Mon 14th Sep 2009, 10:29, More)

» School Projects

Not so much a project...
Way back when I was a young nipper (12/13ish), my best friend and I were pretty much the smart kids in class. We didn't have to try particularly hard, and we'd get by (of course, this plan of action lead to A-level resits, but that's another story).

We turned up for a Geography lesson one day, only to be informed of an impending test on everything we had learned that term. Obviously, we had received prior warning, but me and my friend hadn't been paying attention, and so were shitting ourselves. Now, we weren't shitting ourselves at the thought of another botched test, more that the teacher was the worst kind of teacher. Everyone had one, the one who shouts and screams like a academic banshee...

The test was 100 questions, one of them being which motorway links London with the industrial South Wales? And others of that ilk. I guessed that one, and quite a few others...

A week later, we go back for the results, and the teacher announces to the class

"Well done on the test everybody, I was very pleased with the results. There are two people I am very happy with, Laura and Charlie got 100%, congratulations!"

*Round of applause*

"There are also two people I am no so happy about, James and Huw. You sit around in class, every week, laughing and joking, and not paying attention, and then you get 100% in the test, how do you think that makes everyone who works hard feel?"

*Shock*

So, we got told off for getting 100% in a test? (We didn't cheat, we weren't sat next to each other). How on Earth can anyone get told off for doing perfectly? Surely it just means we are too capable, rather than deserving a telling off?

To this very day, me and my friend are still bitter about this.

Damn you, Ms. Chapman, damn you to hell!
(Tue 18th Aug 2009, 9:56, More)