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» Darwin Awards
The Yodelling Kettle
In 1970 a young and fresh-faced Vambo began working in the laboratory at a cardboard mill. My duties (as well as testing cardboard and industrial effluent) included making the tea. Now the kettle in the laboratory was old and slow (a bit like our boss the curmudgeonly Dr Murdoch) and this meant that the kettle had to be filled and plugged in at 9.30 in order to get a reasonably warm cuppa.
When the kettle finally died, a suitable sum was extracted from petty cash and a new kettle purchased. The new kettle was chrome and domed - rather like the top of Dalek. The kettle had no lid and was filled via the spout that had lines on the back plate that indicated how full it was. The new kettle was a wonder to behold! It boiled in a minute or so and its chrome dome was lovingly polished by the womenfolk and it was admired by all.
Disaster struck in the form of Pete. Pete was another Laboratory Assistant and whilst getting off the lab work bench he was sitting on, managed to knock the cord of the chrome wonder. The kettle slid to the end of the workbench where it teetered for a second before landing on the concrete floor. A mortified Pete picked up the kettle and was horrified to see a large dent. Gladys and Marilyn the self appointed polishers of the chrome dome were upset and moaned and shouted at Pete for despoiling their precious!
Pete told me he was going to fix the kettle. “Great!” I said “How?” Pete replied "It’s easy I’ll use pressure to push it out from inside!”.
A few days later and we have the lab to ourselves at lunchtime. Pete measures the kettle’s spout and proceeds to carve a large cork. It was an exact fit. As mentioned the kettle had no lid and was filled via the spout so Pete figured part filling the kettle and blocking the spout would produce sufficient pressure to push out the dent when it boiled.
After filling the kettle, ramming the cork tightly home and winding a few turns of tape around the spout Pete switched on. I had a kind of bad feeling about this and retired to a safe distance, Pete however stood close by so that he could switch off when the dent popped out.
Minutes ticked by and suddenly “WHAM” and the cord shot out and snaked across the bench. A horrid “Yueeergh” kind of noise erupted from the kettle closely followed by a resounding “POP” as the cork flew out of the spout and hit the far side of the lab. A huge jet of steam shot out of the kettle, hit the ceiling, condensed and fell as rain over the workbenches. At the same time the kettle shot backwards at an amazing speed and clobbered Pete fair and square in the bollocks!!!
Apart from the sore ‘nads Pete also had a burn or two on his legs and worst of all the chrome kettle acquired another dent!!
(Tue 17th Feb 2009, 17:35, More)
The Yodelling Kettle
In 1970 a young and fresh-faced Vambo began working in the laboratory at a cardboard mill. My duties (as well as testing cardboard and industrial effluent) included making the tea. Now the kettle in the laboratory was old and slow (a bit like our boss the curmudgeonly Dr Murdoch) and this meant that the kettle had to be filled and plugged in at 9.30 in order to get a reasonably warm cuppa.
When the kettle finally died, a suitable sum was extracted from petty cash and a new kettle purchased. The new kettle was chrome and domed - rather like the top of Dalek. The kettle had no lid and was filled via the spout that had lines on the back plate that indicated how full it was. The new kettle was a wonder to behold! It boiled in a minute or so and its chrome dome was lovingly polished by the womenfolk and it was admired by all.
Disaster struck in the form of Pete. Pete was another Laboratory Assistant and whilst getting off the lab work bench he was sitting on, managed to knock the cord of the chrome wonder. The kettle slid to the end of the workbench where it teetered for a second before landing on the concrete floor. A mortified Pete picked up the kettle and was horrified to see a large dent. Gladys and Marilyn the self appointed polishers of the chrome dome were upset and moaned and shouted at Pete for despoiling their precious!
Pete told me he was going to fix the kettle. “Great!” I said “How?” Pete replied "It’s easy I’ll use pressure to push it out from inside!”.
A few days later and we have the lab to ourselves at lunchtime. Pete measures the kettle’s spout and proceeds to carve a large cork. It was an exact fit. As mentioned the kettle had no lid and was filled via the spout so Pete figured part filling the kettle and blocking the spout would produce sufficient pressure to push out the dent when it boiled.
After filling the kettle, ramming the cork tightly home and winding a few turns of tape around the spout Pete switched on. I had a kind of bad feeling about this and retired to a safe distance, Pete however stood close by so that he could switch off when the dent popped out.
Minutes ticked by and suddenly “WHAM” and the cord shot out and snaked across the bench. A horrid “Yueeergh” kind of noise erupted from the kettle closely followed by a resounding “POP” as the cork flew out of the spout and hit the far side of the lab. A huge jet of steam shot out of the kettle, hit the ceiling, condensed and fell as rain over the workbenches. At the same time the kettle shot backwards at an amazing speed and clobbered Pete fair and square in the bollocks!!!
Apart from the sore ‘nads Pete also had a burn or two on his legs and worst of all the chrome kettle acquired another dent!!
(Tue 17th Feb 2009, 17:35, More)
» Stalked
Me a Stalker?
It was 11.20 at night and I was travelling home on a bus having just finished late shift. As I got up to ring the bell a rather pretty nurse gave me a smile.
The only thing on my mind was my full bladder, the two pints that I'd had during my "teabreak" were making their presence known.
The bus arrived at the stop and the pretty nurse alighted, with me following behind her. The nurse was headed in my direction, but at the time all I was thinking about was a pee!
As the nurse approached the flats where I live her pace increased and she made a few nervous glances behind her. Seeing me hot on her heels as it were,she began to panic.
I was gobsmacked when the nurse got out a key and entered my block of flats! The door was firmly slammed shut by the nurse!
I reached for my keys and opened the door to the stairwell, the nurse looked down at me with real terror. "It's OK!" I called out "I live here and I need to dash for the loo!".
I don't think she heard or understood what I said, because as I was dashing upstairs to avoid pissing my pants, the nurse's footsteps were getting quicker and quicker!
The nurse reached her floor and slammed her door behind her and I carried on to the next floor and just made it to the loo with my back teeth on shore patrol!
I saw my new neighbour a few days later! We had a bit of a laugh about the misunderstanding!
(Tue 5th Feb 2008, 13:03, More)
Me a Stalker?
It was 11.20 at night and I was travelling home on a bus having just finished late shift. As I got up to ring the bell a rather pretty nurse gave me a smile.
The only thing on my mind was my full bladder, the two pints that I'd had during my "teabreak" were making their presence known.
The bus arrived at the stop and the pretty nurse alighted, with me following behind her. The nurse was headed in my direction, but at the time all I was thinking about was a pee!
As the nurse approached the flats where I live her pace increased and she made a few nervous glances behind her. Seeing me hot on her heels as it were,she began to panic.
I was gobsmacked when the nurse got out a key and entered my block of flats! The door was firmly slammed shut by the nurse!
I reached for my keys and opened the door to the stairwell, the nurse looked down at me with real terror. "It's OK!" I called out "I live here and I need to dash for the loo!".
I don't think she heard or understood what I said, because as I was dashing upstairs to avoid pissing my pants, the nurse's footsteps were getting quicker and quicker!
The nurse reached her floor and slammed her door behind her and I carried on to the next floor and just made it to the loo with my back teeth on shore patrol!
I saw my new neighbour a few days later! We had a bit of a laugh about the misunderstanding!
(Tue 5th Feb 2008, 13:03, More)
» Putting the Fun in Funeral
Cheers Guys!
My mother in law's death was a pretty traumatic experience, she was riddled with the big C and unable to express her pain because of Alzheimer's had sought solace in the bottle.
I wasn't looking forward to the funeral.
The cortege started off at a snail's pace and wound it's way around the back streets of Islington. On a patch of waste ground 3 street drinkers were sat with their cans of extra strong mid morning lager.
As we drew level with them they all put their cans down, stood smartly to attention, removed their caps and bowed their heads with great reverence.
I swear I saw my late M-I-L smile!
(Tue 16th May 2006, 13:02, More)
Cheers Guys!
My mother in law's death was a pretty traumatic experience, she was riddled with the big C and unable to express her pain because of Alzheimer's had sought solace in the bottle.
I wasn't looking forward to the funeral.
The cortege started off at a snail's pace and wound it's way around the back streets of Islington. On a patch of waste ground 3 street drinkers were sat with their cans of extra strong mid morning lager.
As we drew level with them they all put their cans down, stood smartly to attention, removed their caps and bowed their heads with great reverence.
I swear I saw my late M-I-L smile!
(Tue 16th May 2006, 13:02, More)
» Food sex
Natural Yoghurt Substitutes
Recently Mrs V had a spot of discomfort below and she asked me to go to the shops for a pot of natural yoghurt.
I arrive at the supermarket to find it closed and only a 24 hour garage open to buy the yoghurt from and they didn't have the natural yoghurt she'd asked me to get, still I bought a few different types and went home hoping for the best.
Well we gave the various yoghurts a try but none seemed to work, Ski were very runny and had to be inserted using a funnel, the Cadbury's chocolate one was of the right viscosity to apply but we were unsure of where to put the small flake that came with it.
Least successful was the Muller corners, the jam type caused my wife's bum to stick to her pants and attracted ants when she sat in the garden, and we're still finding those little chocolate balls on seats wherever she's been sat.
__________________
(Wed 12th Aug 2009, 23:40, More)
Natural Yoghurt Substitutes
Recently Mrs V had a spot of discomfort below and she asked me to go to the shops for a pot of natural yoghurt.
I arrive at the supermarket to find it closed and only a 24 hour garage open to buy the yoghurt from and they didn't have the natural yoghurt she'd asked me to get, still I bought a few different types and went home hoping for the best.
Well we gave the various yoghurts a try but none seemed to work, Ski were very runny and had to be inserted using a funnel, the Cadbury's chocolate one was of the right viscosity to apply but we were unsure of where to put the small flake that came with it.
Least successful was the Muller corners, the jam type caused my wife's bum to stick to her pants and attracted ants when she sat in the garden, and we're still finding those little chocolate balls on seats wherever she's been sat.
__________________
(Wed 12th Aug 2009, 23:40, More)