» Housemates from hell

porked
I first moved out of home and in with some boys from my australian rules team. A high level of practical jokery such as cutting the arse out of peoples fave tracksuit pants went on continually. I was left alone until the long weekend in july when the housemates all went home to visit their olds. I invited my parents over for a pork roast. That morning I couldnt find the roast and presumed someone had knocked it off and had to get another which was a dud. Several days later I was lying in front of my telly watching my favourite, the wide world of sports and continually gagged at an offensive smell which seemed to be emanating from my telly. After several hours and in sheer desperation I grabbed a screwdriver and began removing the back, It was one of those old wooden cabinet tellys my nana had given me. Yes those bastards had put my pork roast in the back of my telly.
(Wed 11th Apr 2007, 14:07, More)

» Putting the Fun in Funeral

funeral.ppt
Father John at my local parish does not allow powerpoint presentations of the dead persons life to be played at funerals in our church.
(Thu 11th May 2006, 11:56, More)

» Sacked

Not sacked but should have been. Every word is true.
I worked for a major govt agency here in Australia for 8 yrs. Due to outsourcing my work day in the last 3 yrs shrunk to around half an hour email activity. So I spent my time hanging out in a utility room I equipped as my own personal batchelor pad with bar fridge, company laptop rebuilt as a cleanskin for pron surfing and dvd watching and reasonably comfy foam mattress. I was the only keyholder. I also booked out spare cars from the car pool as required and had some lovely day trips. I also used my position to convert unused office equipment into cash used for frequent prostitute visits. I always had my extension switched through to the company mobile and acted promptly whenever anything was required of me - usually once a week, except of course if I was at the movies our out on a sightseeing drive or visiting a working lady.
During this time I had three different line managers, none of whom made any effort to restrain me. Then one fine day I was summoned along with 150 others to a national video link up where they gave us the redundancy spiel. After all I took them for they paid $46 000 to get rid of me. I took the laptop and the bar fridge as a memento, and still haven't touched the money.
(Sun 26th Feb 2006, 10:59, More)

» Intense Friendships

My imaginary friend and I
I have had an intense relationship with my imaginary friend Greg Branigan for many years. He has had both a successful and turbulent life as a champion rugby league player, lover of many women and a penchant for strong drink. Some of his greatest conquests have been winning the State of Origin series for Queensland single handedly on repeated occasions, being engaged to Just Shoot Me star Laura San Giacomo, a relationship with Changing Rooms host Suzie Wilks, having a one night stand with pregnant All Saints star Melanie Blatt. He subsequently fled back to Australia after being hounded by Fleet St. His footy career ended with a life threatening injury and he has subsequently gone on to a successful radio career after dabbling in racehorse training. He pursued his one true love Karen, married and they had twins. They are now divorced as he prefers his own company. He has divested much of his wealth into trusts for his children and is taking up a position as football manager of a team in the south of France starting next season. It will be the first time in 32 years my imaginary friend and I will be apart. In a way I will be sad but the memories are golden.
(Wed 2nd Aug 2006, 12:44, More)

» Shame

Sinful Skinful
By some quirk I ended up managing a large retail outlet of the kind where they make your glasses in an hour. When I wasn't stealing from the till or stealing stock, I presided over a major infatuation with one of my staff members, a delightful 20 year old lass. One day we were slouching together on the back counter of the shop and she mentioned to me that she was peeling after getting sunburnt. I asked her to peel some skin from her back and show me. She busied herself under her blouse and produced a sizeable piece. I then issued her with the only direct command I had given her as I usually let her do what she wanted as long as I could drool over her. Eat it I commanded. She did.
(Fri 25th Nov 2005, 12:31, More)