» My first experience of porn

Well...
At a very young age, me and my siblings used to go and get in my parents' bed on a weekday morning. In hindsight it must have really pissed them off, but it always seemed like a good idea at the time.

So I reached down the side of the bed (possibly aged about 9) and found one of my dad's magazines. I pulled it up onto the bed, and saw all the pictures inside, and probably, if memory serves, asked 'Why aren't these people wearing any clothes?'.

I think the experience, the embarassment, my parents' reaction and going to a boy's school later on probably explains the dreadful state of my sex life for the last decade, and that single event probably shaped my whole young adulthood. That and my father's dwarf porn videos, discovered when I was 14.
(Thu 25th Jan 2007, 23:13, More)

» Accidental innuendo

My favourite one
But off the TV. Apparently a Fanny Craddock programme was teaching people how to make doughnuts. Roll credits.

Continuity announcer - "And I hope all your doughnuts turn out like Fanny's."
(Fri 13th Jun 2008, 8:47, More)

» Pet Peeves

I started to think, we have
all these expectations on women to wear makeup, shave armpits, remove facial hair and so on. And though most of the expectation comes from women and the images of women in the media, a lot of men seem to think it's to be expected too. But should I, as a man, trim my pubic hair? Or my chest hair? Or do ladies like chest hair? And moisturiser... should I have soft, forgiving skin on my hands, or do thick working men's hands do it for ladies? Just because someone is well spoken doesn't mean they vote conservative. Though if they sound exactly like Boris and have ginger hair, the odds are definitely well stacked. Which is worth more, a straight flush or four of a kind? And does it depend on what variety of poker you're playing? And why don't more young people play bridge? It's a very mentally challenging game yet we seem to leave it until we're senile to learn to play it. Global warming? Personally I think it's colder this May than it was last year, but last year I was in Australia, so it doesn't count. Is this thing on? One. Two. Onetwo.
(Fri 2nd May 2008, 14:23, More)

» Mix Tapes

When I was seven...
I fell into the boot of the car when we were picking fruit and was trapped there for twenty minutes. I thought I would be there forever. Now I'm in Australia, but it's raining. In February of last year I went out with some friends and drank in 19 different pubs in one day, and asked an American couple if they were trying to recruit me for a threesome. On the way home I chatted to a pregnant lady on the bus, telling her pregnant ladies were attractive, because you know they work, from a Darwinian perspective. In 1982 I fell off a pony. I was two. Why was I on a pony when I was 2? I'm never going to be a teenager again, and I did such a bad job of it the first time. Oh, I get to play Warcraft III all night on Thursday! Sometimes I wonder if the strange people I met at Glastonbury in 2003 are ok, or if they drowned at the festival two years later. It's at a time like this I wish I had listened to what my mother used to tell me when I was young. What did she say? I don't know what she said! I didn't listen! Do you think I ate too much fruit for breakfast this morning? I'm going to make a coffee now. Bye!
(Wed 13th Feb 2008, 0:40, More)

» The most childish thing you've done as an adult

I proposed on a big bunny rabbit
Ok, there's more to it than that. My now-fiancee had seen a picture of this on the internet. It's here, in a tiny village in Italy. And I thought, we're never going to take an entire day to visit a giant pink bunny rabbit hundreds of miles from our home ever again, and it's precisely this kind of crazy that I've been looking for all my life. I'm going to keep this one, and I'm going to ask her when we see the rabbit.

We were staying in a chalet in France, about an hour from Geneva. We drove to the rabbit. This took about 5 hours, and about Eu50 in tolls, and would take the same on the way back. Then we saw what Google Maps (at the time) couldn't show you. The pleasant field that the rabbit appeared to be situated in was less flat than we imagined. In fact, it was at the top of a ski slope.

By this time it was about 5pm, and the sun was dipping below the mountain peaks around us. So we set out to climb the mountain to look at the big bunny rabbit. It took us an hour and a half to get to the top, which made me wonder how anyone learned to ski before the ski-lift. And, as we were arriving about three years after it had been made, we saw this (edit - link changed, this is the blog I stole the image from).

We'd spent the best part of £150 on fuel and tolls, 2-3 hours up and down a mountain, 10 hours in the car and a day out of our holiday, to see a big lumpy grey thing.

Still, we're getting married in March, and so it wasn't all in vain. And it's the only time I've ever been to Italy. And maybe in the future we'll take another road trip across three countries to a giant decaying cuddly toy. On an anniversary perhaps?
(Fri 18th Sep 2009, 10:20, More)